Is this just my life now (after divorce) ?

[Glumcaregiver]

40, mum of 4 boys, divorced, ex husband moved out about 18 months ago. It was amicable as amicable as we could. I initiated the divorce I didn’t want to but has to. 12 years together 8 of those married and he didn’t want to change, didn’t want to even try therapy together or individually, spent money like it grew on trees he had/has a great job but he became impulsive, coke on nights out with his friends. We’d get a baby sitter and go out for his friends birthday and he’d get on if and be off his face pulling me to the toilets and wanting to fuck me in the toilets. He’s a great dad he’s involved and loves spending time with the kids we had a good time but I can’t beg a grown man to seek help I tried he didn’t want to. Since he moved out and bought his own place he’s had 3 different girlfriends it’s been hard because we he had his weekends with the kids I have them during the week and we alternate weekends it works out better for us that way. My kids have met 2 of his girlfriends and they’re only little I just feel hurt I want my kids to love their dad I wouldn’t jeopardise that but he makes it so difficult.

it’s a lot. So over the weekend he had the kids and I had no plans so I went on a dating app ok Friday and made an account and Saturday I had a date that kind of went too far. I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years and I decide to fuck the first guy I go on a date with and then to make it worse I cried after sex Good god my friends think it’s funny I’m slightly embarrassed.

Hey - try not to worry @Glumcaregiver You are going through a cycle of grief post divorce - it absolutely sucks but it's not forever.

I got divorced 8 years ago and I definitely had a few of weekends you're describing without the kids. It gets better - promise!

So you had a one night stand? pffft who cares?? It's ok to have some of that kind of fun - but it does sound like you're not ready for a relation ship yet - which is fine just be honest about what you're looking for - no need to get involved with men if you don't want to.

Gradually things will get easier. Find activities that bring you joy. Stop worrying about what everyone else might think - eg bumping into your kids friends - so what - I bet some of them are divorced too?

If you're getting lonely - try joining local groups that are things you enjoy.

When you are more settled and happier in yourself - then maybe try the apps again - but be sure you understand what you are looking for - and be honest about that - if it's just a bit of fun - fine - do that!

18 months might seem like an eternity to you given how much has happened and changed in this time, but it isn't much time at all to get over a long relationship. You will get to the other end, and this void on weekends without your kids is just transitional. I am nearly five years out and I am happier than I have ever been, and ever thought I could be. But, it really really helped to get therapy while I was in the phase you are in. There is a lot to process, and lot of positive choices you can make now that will help you through to the other end of the tunnel.

I can identify with the drinking a bit too much and wallowing on weekends. It is what I did when my DC was with his dad. I missed my child, hated that my choices had led to this for my child, drank too much wine, watched silly tv shows and got chinese takeaway. I don't beat myself about that phase. It is what it is and what I needed back then. But, I did start making plans with friends and got obsessive about yoga, etc. Maybe go out for a nice walk and brunch by yourself? Go see a movie in a theatre? Wine tasting events? Christmas market? You will meet people, have new experiences and gradually find your way to happier experiences...

Virtual hand hold and hug coming your way :)

You did the right thing. He probably shagged around when you were still married.

No. It's not your life forever. It's just your life now whilst you recover and grieve for your marriage.

I'm older than you but also ended my marriage. My ex seemed to move on straight away. Bought a house, got a GF and a new job. And I was still rocking and on the piss. Living in a shitty rental whilst I tried to buy again. Also with the guilt of what I'd done to my family and the thought always that I could have tried harder, stayed longer etc

My ex was a man child. Sure yours was too. Mine took drugs, refused to work, was abusive but charming to the world. And I wasn't happy. For years and years. But then it felt worse (like it does for you now) AND THEN IT GOT BETTER!!!! Which it will for you too.

You are a young spring chicken and have a wonderful family, an amazing job and sound comfortable. So you don't need a partner but one (the right one) would be nice.

Honestly I think it's just around the corner but it only happens when you wake up one day and think, if this is as good as it gets, I'm happy. Because being happy and content is attractive.

And now your ex isn't the last man you slept with so that is good too. Onwards. You are on that bridge to a new and better life with your integrity fully intact. you did the right thing.

By the way I remarried in May. Honestly it's night and day. You will see that too.

And try and ease off the wine a bit if you can. I did some guided walking and also a fitness holiday (no booze).

New year, new you, new life.

Much love to you OP.

Been there OP, don’t beat yourself up. It gets easier … might take a while.

I'm pretty sure that I have been to all the places you have post separation. It's a really lonely place at the start. What I would say is not to feel guilty about how you spend your time off. However I would maybe consider joining a gym or going to some exercise class, or something that takes you to a new community that you are doing for yourself and not your default mummy mode. .

"Men aren't good dads unless they are good to their children's mothers"

Where did you read this?This is a very dangerous statement to feed people. Albeit it maybe a case many times, this is not a factual statement at all. Many women here have reflected horrible husbands who are amazing dads.

My dad used to hit my mum for many years but she stayed because he was an amazing dad.

Same as abusive wives can be good mothers too,

Op - take a breath and then take a huge effort mentally to let go of shame and embarassment.

You took a risk - and did something new in having some casual sex - there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. You then had an emotional reaction which is ALSO just part of life, and nothing to be ashamed of!

Embrace it all as part of your journey towards feeling better - which I really really promise you can and will do in future

I am in my late 40s and have watched several of my friends go through very similar situations - men moved off, seemed to move on very quickly with younger women/ had lots of girlfriends or shiny new partners - while the woman who of course does most of the childcare still, is devastated, grieving , struggles to move on

The truth is - you are actually healing and grieving and your husband is not dealing with his pain properly. You are being a grown up and you will eventually recover and be ready for a better relationship if you want one.

I have seen it with some very close friends - enormous grief and pain and loss - but a few years down the line really happy, doing well, much much happier.

Your children will get older, it will be easier to leave them and go out - take advantage of your H having them to build new hobbies/ relationsihps/ friendships.

Op your doing your best go easy on yourself.
Your 40 with 4 kids under 10 i dont know how you do it but you are doing it.
Let the past be in the past.

I am trying for them. It’s very hard but I do try and that’s all I can do. My 2 eldest are now in counselling so they have a space to talk about mum, dad, divorce, having two rooms, not having mum and dad together for Christmas that sort of stuff and how they’re feeling. They’re my priority.

Oh OP your post made me cry 😢, probably like a few on here that have gone through divorce and raised children alone, we can so relate to those raw emotions and know how difficult it all feels, but wow, I know you can’t see it but you’re doing fine… this is all part of the process after a divorce and it’s going to take a while yet before you find your equilibrium again, but you will. 💐

I'm sorry your friends "think it's funny". I would never laugh at my friends if they were, understandably, upset.
Maybe try joining some groups so you can meet some caring, supportive friends. As for your ex, I can understand being worried about him with the kids if he was on coke, but as you say, you can't force an addict to get help (I know from my own family). Maybe one day he will grow up and get help, and then you can advise therapy.

That's really unnecessary! Have some compassion..

You’re being really hard on yourself. Ok, maybe you rushed it a bit with the date, but most of us have done that or similar. And it’s bound to hurt when you see the ex doing his thing, but you’ve made the right decisions where it matters. Tell yourself that, loudly and clearly.

Why not try to preempt the questions from family by asking someone to tell the rest not to ask about dates etc. DH and I had to do that years ago about infertility.

Give yourself a lot of grace and a massive pat on the back. Your boys will be ok, even if it seems tough now.

To answer your question OP , no this will not always be your life .
I’m 10 years separated , very similar story to yours , I’d be here forever & a day if I was to tell you .
I’m 50 since November . It’s shit for a good while alright , my kids were young also at the time .
Their father was always out taking shit aswel , in & out of rehab, me holding the fort , until I realised if we didn’t split , that would be my life , always holding the fort 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You’re doing super 🙌 .
Hang in there .
It really, really does get better .
I’ll give you one bit of advice though .
DO NOT dwell on what could have been . You’ll keep looking back for a while , but soon you’ll see you’ll look back less & less as the days go by .
X x