Should I leave my marriage?

[IsItOverxxxxx]

I’m too scared to discuss this with anyone IRL but need some advice.

Im a 45 year old mum of two teenagers and been with my husband since I was 21. My own parents divorced and had multiple partners/spouses and that has certainly influenced my feelings. Essentially I feel like I don’t know what a normal relationship looks like and I need some input.

My husband and I are stable. Neither of us is cheating and we get along ok-ish. But there are big issues.

We are very different people from when we first met as teenagers. Politically and I guess morally.

He has become hugely introverted and I am the one who entertains the kids, organises everything. Literally everything. We both work full time but he has a longer commute.

when we spend time on our own, I struggle to know what to talk to him about anymore
we have no sex life. None. I think we’ve had sex once in 9 months. Neither of us seem bothered by this.

He’s grumpy. He’s been on antidepressants for years but his mood has got worse. I’m often acting as a buffer between him and the kids.

we disagree on many fundamental issues and I think he’s totally lazy and a quite absent father.

he would probably say I’m bossy and I micromanage.

is this salvageable???

Im so scared to leave as having a long successful marriage has always been a hold of mine.

You can have a long marriage yes but this doesn't look like a successful one at all.

Have you told him you're thinking of ending the marriage?

A long marriage isn't the same as a successful marriage.

I think you need to talk to him and understand how he is feeling as well. It may be that you both agree it isn't working and can have an amicable split.

You're still young and you deserve to have a happy marriage. You say you don't know what one looks like but I would say a few things need to be present: mutual respect, interest in each others company, shared moral values, similar political views to name a few.

But it should also be fun and interesting and supportive and loving.

Good luck.

Thanks for posting. When I raise feeling unhappy he shuts me down by saying I always say it.
I tried to talk to him earlier and he said ‘I don’t want to discuss this’

The thing I’m scared is that I am a micromanager and it’s my fault.
I know I manage everything but it’s because if I don’t do it, he won’t.
I feel like I can’t see straight. Am I unreasonable? I just don’t know.

Well, it’s not fun or interesting and no shared views

If he is refusing to discuss it then you have 2 options - carry on as you are and continue to be miserable, or start taking steps to end the marriage. I'm not sure what else you can do if he refuses to even talk about any issues.

Hi there, life's too short to be shackled to someone you don't feel love and comfort with. I would say passion and excitement but not every day is going to be like that. Of course! Honestly, I'd rather have someone who I feel like I can count on, someone who will be there for me when I need help, someone who I like to be able to help. Someone who we work well together. We share what needs to be done so that it all gets done. If one person's better at one type of task, they do it, as long as the other person doesn't feel resentful, it's about being grateful. For instance if you do all the work that is associated with the children, then you have to make sure he's doing something that equal to the household, like for instance all of the maintenance all of the yard work perhaps all of the shopping for groceries?
One person feeling like they do it all is never good for the relationship.
And, one person being indispensable is never good for the relationship, what happens if you get really sick or injured and he has to take care of the kids and he doesn't have an absolute clue. Obviously he should be more involved with the children's care. Same with you, if he does absolutely all of the house maintenance, all of the yard maintenance all of the automobile maintenance, and something happens to him, would you know how to do any of that stuff?
I only bring up the workload because you brought it up too, and also because I feel that having an imbalance or perceived inbalance in the workload of the house often leads to marital strife.

The sex thing? That sucks But if neither of you seems bothered by it well, may not be so bad.
Sexual desire and drive do changes life changes. I think you should find out whether or not he's bothered by the fact no sex, if he honestly doesn't care and just finds it easier to sit back at the end of the day and not expend the energy, well, if neither of you mind, that's okay. Sex is not the be-all and end all to a happy marriage. Lots of couples haven't had sex for a lot longer And it's not a point of resentment.

But the other things, those are kind of bigger. You say that he's grumpy, on antidepressants and getting grumpier? That's not good. If you're noticing it, the kids are going to notice, and it's just going to get worse. Please trust me on this.
You say that he's lazy and unmotivated and completely absent from the children's care? You would think that if he had to describe you he would call you bossy and micromanage.
Would you agree with that assessment?

More than likely you feel that you have to manage everything and be bossy because he does nothing, right?
So what's up to you to make sure that everything gets done otherwise it doesn't get done. I can understand that and most women here can too.
If you've got things running well in the house, and so much that the bills get paid and the food gets on the table and the house gets clean and the kids are well taken care of, then you've got things running smoothly the problem is it's 100% dependent on you. He has to step up, if even 25%, to start. Because that means that you can reduce your workload by 25%. It should be 50/50, but it never is. 25% increase for him and decrease for you seems like a good start.
But you might have to learn to let some things go or let some standards be a bit lower, if you expect everything to be done to your level, more than likely it won't be, no matter how nicely you tell him the job wasn't done right, he'll be more grumpy and you already know what that's like.

I'm sure you know that divorce is not a simple or easy process especially when there are children involved.
It's a gigantic step and yet, plenty of people have done this same step, so you can get lots of advice.
How old are the kids, how much longer until reasonably you can expect that they might leave the house? And when they are gone, can you imagine living with your husband everyday just the two of you, him being lazy and you being bossy, no sex, and you disagreeing on many fundamental and political issues.

I would never recommend to jump into divorce. It's a gigantic step and you can't go back. But on the other hand, staying in a holding pattern in which you're unhappy everyday, that's not fantastic either.

The bigger issue is the lack of communication - because if you can't communicate effectively, it basically means things can/will never change, and will just get worse as the resentment builds up. Not a successful marriage at all, and longevity is no virtue - it just speaks to fear in this situation. Fear of change, of believing you deserve better etc.

As for micromanaging, I did/do that too - but it is understandable both because you have to do it to manage logistics, and because other things in your life (like the marriage) are not in your control so you control the things you can.

Try to get him to go to counselling and learn to communicate effectively, or start getting your head around a successful life rather than a long marriage.

I do think it’s salvageable.
May be look in marriage therapy if he’ll agree to something like that.
Definitely talk to him about the relationship phase you’re going through. If you feel like having sex, be proactive about it and initiate it.
Try a few hobbies together.
Many people report on running and other exercises to have helped them out of depression.

I wouldn’t give up just yet. Good luck, op.

It’s not micromanaging. It’s being the leader of the family and carry the mental load all the time. Be proud of it and own it.
We (women) can’t all be micromanagers, yet most of us have been told that.

Perhaps you need to ask him if he wants to stay married.
Ask him if he wants a sex life
Tell him you are lonely and isolated and if he doesn't want you, he needs to say so.

It’s not micromanaging it’s having all the mental load of a family and marriage . From what you’ve posted you seem on different pages and totally different personalities , life is very short

If you have got to the point of asking the question here, then I would say the relationship is over.

I would be planning to take action in the new year.

I don't know if you micromanage or not but him telling you to shut down every time you want to address the issues between both of you is a huge marco managing.
I think he doesn't care as much as you do about everything in general.
I would be leaving if I'm honest, I had a time when my relationship was like that. He ended cheating, leaving and blaming for it. I'm not saying that this will be your case, I'm saying the issue need resolving because leaving it like this won't work. Now and older wiser me would have been able to spot that he does want to address anything because he does no bother and I would leave saving a couple of years of drama.

Indeed a long marriage is not the same as a successful one. Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up; a lot of damaging lessons which will likely need a lot of therapy to start unpicking. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and truth is you still do not know.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with your H?. He is both emotionally absent and uninterested. It is not too late to start over and to all intents and purposes he has checked out.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would think your teenage children know far more about the state of your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken Do not continue to show your children such a poor example of a marriage for them to potentially emulate themselves in their adulthoods.

Well then don't bother discussing it with him further, you've tried.

Get Xmas out of the way and see a solicitor and divorce him. He's a dead loss.

You don't need his permission and you can do it for any reason you want including the fact that you are totally different people now.

Micromanaging? In this context,
older generations of men would have called you a nag. This is just what men call women when they don't want to listen or take notice of women. Its rubbish but a powerful way of making sure he feels comfortable not listening to you, and making you doubt yourself. And with the added bonus for him that you end up doing everything. It really sounds as if you dont like the person he has become and its a miserable and uncaring relationship. One thing I know got sure - life is not a dress rehearsal; you don't get to wake up at 70 and get to go back and live your life over again. Other posters have said talk to him; if he refuses to discuss it i don't see how you can.

This sounds miserable.
Is your end goal to look back at 80 and go, what a success, I was in a long, miserable marriage for 55 years or do you want to go, what an amazing life I led, following my own dreams. I chose plan B a while ago and have zero regrets. I used to put faaaaar too much weight on just being married and being a family unit because I never had that. I did my children no favours by staying too long. They prob don’t even like him by the sounds of it.

Thank you for such a detailed reply. So much for me to think about here. I’m going to read it again and take notice of what you’re saying.

This is something I never consider. It sounds stupid but I don’t actually ask him if he wants to be married. Definitely one to bring up.

Thanks for all of these replies. There’s a huge amount for me to think about in what you’ve said. I’m not going to respond immediately as I need to think about what you’re saying.
this has been so helpful so I promise I’ll return to the thread but I need some time to think about things.

Get some individual therapy OP so you can talk through your options with an independent person. Good luck x

I do think your marriage is salvageable but only if you both want to save it.

The sex thing is up to you both, if you are not bothered about it then leave it alone. But it does sound like you are carrying more of the load in the marriage and that is not good.

"we disagree on many fundamental issues and I think he’s totally lazy and a quite absent father." What kind of things do you disagree on?

When you say lazy, do you mean he doesn't do stuff around the house, or engage with the kids etc. That is not fair on you.

Re "We both work full time but he has a longer commute." How much longer? An extra hour a day, or more. It doesn't excuse him not being engaged at home but it does make sense if he has a much longer day out of the home.

On the one hand being in an unhappy marriage is not good at all, and I would want to get out, but I also feel you need to decide what you actually want.

So, I agree with SodiumNitritePlease

"Get some individual therapy OP so you can talk through your options with an independent person. Good luck x"

Of course he wants to be married. Otherwise he’d have to do his own laundry and cook his own meals. I’d say he’d have to clean his home too, but actually he might just not bother.

Just another thing to think about out: right now you aren’t actually married. Marriage is an institution of partnership, and you’re not in one of those, regardless of the ring on your finger.