Should I leave my marriage?

[IsItOverxxxxx]

I’m too scared to discuss this with anyone IRL but need some advice.

Im a 45 year old mum of two teenagers and been with my husband since I was 21. My own parents divorced and had multiple partners/spouses and that has certainly influenced my feelings. Essentially I feel like I don’t know what a normal relationship looks like and I need some input.

My husband and I are stable. Neither of us is cheating and we get along ok-ish. But there are big issues.

We are very different people from when we first met as teenagers. Politically and I guess morally.

He has become hugely introverted and I am the one who entertains the kids, organises everything. Literally everything. We both work full time but he has a longer commute.

when we spend time on our own, I struggle to know what to talk to him about anymore
we have no sex life. None. I think we’ve had sex once in 9 months. Neither of us seem bothered by this.

He’s grumpy. He’s been on antidepressants for years but his mood has got worse. I’m often acting as a buffer between him and the kids.

we disagree on many fundamental issues and I think he’s totally lazy and a quite absent father.

he would probably say I’m bossy and I micromanage.

is this salvageable???

Im so scared to leave as having a long successful marriage has always been a hold of mine.

If your DH has been on AD meds for years, get him to have a proper meds check at his GP, to see if he's on the right dose or if he needs to change them. He shouldn't be grumpy if he's on the right medication for his MH condition. They should be helping him live a better life than it sounds like he is.

You might be polarising each other. He's "lazy" and "absent" as a father maybe because he sees you as wanting things a certain way and controlling, "bossy" and "micromanaging", so what's the point of him trying to have input? So he withdraws and leaves you to it, and you feel that gap, and so take on more. It's a vicious circle. As PP have said, a long marriage is not necessarily a successful marriage. But what is essential to a successful marriage is communication. You need to talk to him. Kindly, calmly, respectfully. You need to talk, talk, talk and then talk some more. You won't change things overnight. It will take work and commitment. The fact that you're different politically isn't a deal breaker, as long as you're both tolerant and credit the other one with valid reasons for their perspective. It sounds like there's a serious fun deficit but that can be worked on. If your husband is on antidepressants he clearly isn't happy either. It may be that you throw in the towel, but I would give it my best shot first, especially as there are children.

Has your DH ever had his thyroid checked? Often overlooked in men, as low thyroid generally occurs more in women, but absolutely can happen to men. Simple blood test. Important diagnoised sooner rather than later. Generally a tablet a day corrects the issue.

Have you had a heart to heart with him?

I’m 48 and very recently separated from DH. I met him when I was 21 and we’d been married 20 years. I was unhappy most of my marriage for similar reasons to you. We have two teenagers and I just never felt it was bad enough to leave. We had marriage counselling and it was really apparent that there was nothing salvageable in the marriage. I needed that permission to leave.

I am much happier now. I don’t feel massively different tbh as I did everything in the marriage/family so my life hasn’t really changed. I have 100% custody of children as he just isn’t capable of meeting their needs. They don’t want to live with him.

I now look forward to my future and all the adventures I can have.

I was so worried about breaking our family up but my teenagers are actually happier. I wish I’d done it sooner.