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Original poster

Feel Like My Partner Is Hiding His Past

35 replies

MissDaisy1982 · 17/12/2025 08:36

Looking for some reassurance

I’ve been with a guy for about 9 months. It’s my first relationship after coming out of a very long relationship. I had a gap of about 2 years between the very long relationship and the current one

Everything is going great and I am
starting now to think of us more of a couple with a potential long term future together

the one thing that is bugging me is that his mates often make comments about how he is now “finally settling down” with someone after playing the field

there’s been so many of these comments and piecing everything together it seems like he is well known as the “player” who has had a lot of women whilst most of his mates have been settled with long term partners of wives for many years.

i’m getting the vibe that he was slept with dozens and dozens women in the past and is “famous” for it amongst his social circle and to be honest

we were at an event recently and after a few more of these comments from friends about how he has finally found “the one” after riding a carousel, the following day I asked him about them and he brushed it off.

I feel like he is being avoidant and hiding his past as he won’t talk about how many women he’s been with

if we are going to have a longer term commitment we need to be open and honest with each other. I’ve told him I had a childhood sweetheart and then one long term relationship so have only been with 2 guys but he won’t tell me about himself and how many women he’s been with despite clearly having a big reputation.

is this unfair? What is he hiding? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
FestiveBauble · 17/12/2025 08:40

I don’t think he needs to give you a number or a dissection of every past relationship he’s had, however an open conversation perhaps wouldn’t go amiss. Just explaining that yes he’s got a past (as most people have!) would be enough? His friends don’t sound very kind making that sort of repeat comment.

Prelim · 17/12/2025 08:45

They’re probably exaggerating as they’ve all been in long term relationships so any dating in his part will seem more to them. I don’t think he needs to give you a breakdown of his previous relationships. If a new partner was quizzing me about my past relationships I would see it as a red flag.

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 08:46

You do not need to know. A man forcing a women to tell him about his past relationships wouldn’t go down too well.

Mooninjune · 17/12/2025 09:03

How is his general attitude towards women? Does he display any misogynistic traits or does he seem to have a decent balanced attitude? I would think that is the important thing.
Because you don't have the right to quiz him about his past romantic and sexual relationships.

sammylady37 · 17/12/2025 09:04

Someone insisting I tell them about my sexual history, repeatedly asking me about it and accusing me of being avoidant if I didn’t give them facts and figures would be a huge red flag and I would run a mile.

There’s a current thread in relationships about this from the woman’s perspective and the answers are very clear.

Motnight · 17/12/2025 09:05

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 08:46

You do not need to know. A man forcing a women to tell him about his past relationships wouldn’t go down too well.

Yep - this is always described as a red flag on Mumsnet.

Endofyear · 17/12/2025 09:10

I'd be very uncomfortable with someone grilling me about my dating history and wanting to know how many previous sexual partners I'd had. If he's dated a lot, so what? If you're happy with him and he's treating you well and seems serious about you, I'd take him as you find him. Stop looking for problems when there aren't any.

Catza · 17/12/2025 09:26

Gently, you are the red flag in this.
Nobody owes you an account of their past. It's the past. While previous relationship history can give some indication of the future relationships, it's not a given. I myself had a very... adventurous... period between the ages of 20 and 32. But then I had two long-term relationships and am no longer interested in my previous lifestyle. Got it out of my system in my 20s. And no, it's nobody's business what my "body count" is. I am happy to talk about it but I am not going to justify it to a partner who is asking me from the position of judgement and relationship anxiety.
And that is the reason why I think you are the metaphorical "red flag" here. Because you don't want to know out of being curious about your partner's life. You want to know because you are looking for a confirmation that this relationship is doomed. Out of your own insecurities, perhaps. You are going to use this information to either subconsciously sabotage the relationship or to ask for constant reassurance.
Start with yourself. Figure out what's actually bugging you about the situation and learn to tolerate distress and uncertainty without roping your partner into regulating your nervous system.

BauhausOfEliott · 17/12/2025 09:39

What exactly do you think you’ll gain from knowing this? Your relationship is ‘going great’ so what does it matter?

What are you going to do, honestly, if he tells you he’s slept with dozens of women and you think that’s ’too many’?

He can’t win here. If he doesn’t tell you, you’ll keep going on and on about it and accuse him of hiding it. If he does tell you, you’re going to keep throwing it back at him because you think he’s had too many partners.

If someone kept quizzing me like you’re quizzing your boyfriend, I’d run a mile.

Izzyharrison · 17/12/2025 09:48

I was an escort for 18 month before marrying and having my DD.
Leave the past in the past

JudgeBread · 17/12/2025 09:55

Mate I've been with my husband for over a decade and I have absolutely no idea how many girlfriends or sexual partners he had before me. He doesn't know much about my past relationships either except the mad abusive stalker for obvious reasons.

What would be the benefit of knowing? Some things are better just left in the past. Openness and honesty in a relationship does not mean a total lack of privacy.

UpDownAllAround1 · 17/12/2025 10:08

I think you may be a red flag. Leave him alone. If he treats you well and is not a dick then all good

surreygirly · 17/12/2025 10:24

So what
He was a player and has found someone he is really into
Be happy
My hubby does not know my past
Neither of us have ever asked
It is not my business
In my past I had I have had bondage/fetish 3 and 4 somes with girls - he would I am sure be delighted tom know the details but it is my past
You need to leave it or he ill start to think you are to possessive and run

FatCatPyjamas · 17/12/2025 11:01

Everyone has a history. The only thing that matters is how he is now, with you. What would knowing things irrelevant to your relationship actually gain you, other than the opportunity to compare yourself to past lovers?

Littlebuddh · 17/12/2025 11:16

His past has nothing to do with you.
You past has nothing to do with him.
What happens while you are together has everything to do with you.

LaneCaneCandy · 17/12/2025 11:18

He is more than reasonable only sharing what he wants to share and that includes how many people he has slept with. You are not entitled to know anything about anything that happened before you met him.

Just because you have chosen to share your past relationship information does not mean he has to share his. It isn't being avoidant, that is how you are framing it.

You can only base going forward from what you two have together. It is pretty crass of his friends to keep bringing up his past and even if he was comfortable doing it at the time he may well regret it now.

beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 11:21

Well If he’s the last of his single mates those are going to be the normal comments he gets?

thers no need ask how many women he’s been with. That’s weird and irrelevant tbh. You are taking passing jokes from his mates and making a massive drama.

things come up in conversation naturally over time, but I can’t see what difference knowing his exact number of ex girlfriends will make.

FierceSilent · 17/12/2025 11:25

You're the red flag here, OP. He doesn't owe you an account of his sexual past. Focus on whether the relationship is good now, and take his friends' comments with a pinch of salt -- if they've all been settled in monogamous relationships for years, then him being single much longer is going to naturally seem to them like he's a bit of a Don Juan. You sound as if you would disapprove if in fact he has slept with a lot of women, and you're probably making that very clear to him, too.

Izzyharrison · 17/12/2025 11:27

You're entitled to ask him if it bothers you. Make a decision based on that, but he could lie to you. This is something you are going to have to work out between you.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 17/12/2025 11:38

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. Why does it matter?

When I met my DH he was that guy. All his friends were married and settled and he was the last one to settle down. Many of his friends would say things like 'oh at last' and 'finally you are settling down' but as far as I could gather it was more that he had just never met 'the one' but it wasn't for want of trying.

We have been married for 20 years and I have no idea how many women he slept with before me. I know snippets about his uni girlfriend and one other relationship but beyond that I literally have no clue. He knows about my exH but beyond that, again, knows very little about my sexual or relationship past. It really doesn't matter. Its in the past, over and done with.

I honestly don't think anyone needs to know this information about the other person. I would leave well alone and let it go. Concentrate on your own relationship with him rather than his past ones.

Growagardenmom87 · 17/12/2025 11:41

Agree with everyone else too.
If this post was a man demanding to know how many sexual partners his girlfriend had had before he got with her he’d be flamed.
I’d be more concerned by a track record of having relationships and cheating on them all than playing the field tbh.

Apparentlyitschristmas · 17/12/2025 11:50

A friend of mine didn’t meet the one for him until his early 50s , his male friends make all sorts of exaggerated comments about his past . It’s a line they trot out without really thinking . In my opinion he’s had a handful of shortish relationships and the odd one night stand . Nothing to justify the label and I think it’s almost vicarious - them enjoying the idea through him .

I would ignore for now . Hopefully you’re using barrier contraception anyway

OneShyQuail · 17/12/2025 12:07

The things they are saying are lovely if you flip the coin "you are the one" "hes settling down" could be taken as positive 🤷‍♀️
You wont gain anything by knowing about his past.....what are his actions like with you? Do you trust him? Does he look after you and value you? Are you on the same page about the seriousness of the relationship. This is what matters, the here and now, not his past.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/12/2025 12:17

If he treats you well, is respectful and it is a good relationship then that is all you need to be concerned with. His sexual past is not anyone’s business but his own, same as yours belongs to you.

secretrocker · 17/12/2025 12:25

sammylady37 · 17/12/2025 09:04

Someone insisting I tell them about my sexual history, repeatedly asking me about it and accusing me of being avoidant if I didn’t give them facts and figures would be a huge red flag and I would run a mile.

There’s a current thread in relationships about this from the woman’s perspective and the answers are very clear.

I read the other thread and agree.
Most posters agreed the man was being unreasonable and potentially controlling.