Feel Like My Partner Is Hiding His Past

[MissDaisy1982]

Looking for some reassurance

I’ve been with a guy for about 9 months. It’s my first relationship after coming out of a very long relationship. I had a gap of about 2 years between the very long relationship and the current one

Everything is going great and I am
starting now to think of us more of a couple with a potential long term future together

the one thing that is bugging me is that his mates often make comments about how he is now “finally settling down” with someone after playing the field

there’s been so many of these comments and piecing everything together it seems like he is well known as the “player” who has had a lot of women whilst most of his mates have been settled with long term partners of wives for many years.

i’m getting the vibe that he was slept with dozens and dozens women in the past and is “famous” for it amongst his social circle and to be honest

we were at an event recently and after a few more of these comments from friends about how he has finally found “the one” after riding a carousel, the following day I asked him about them and he brushed it off.

I feel like he is being avoidant and hiding his past as he won’t talk about how many women he’s been with

if we are going to have a longer term commitment we need to be open and honest with each other. I’ve told him I had a childhood sweetheart and then one long term relationship so have only been with 2 guys but he won’t tell me about himself and how many women he’s been with despite clearly having a big reputation.

is this unfair? What is he hiding? Is this a red flag?

Thank you for all the advice

I think I have let his friends banter get to me and make me feel insecure. I need to move past that

the best thing to do is just write it off as banter and eventually it will probably just stop

as someone said it’s probably exaggerated anyway as he’s the last remaining single one

the main thing is we are happy and yes I relaise this should not become a “thing” between us.

I shall not mention it to him again and I am sure it will just be lost.

instead I will focus on the positives of our relationship, and there are lots of them!

I appreciate all the advice.

You've had no problem telling him - but maybe as your number is so low he's embarrassed about how many he's slept with? Or be worried that it would put you off. Maybe ask him if it's over or under 100 to be clear that you're not expecting him to say 5.

I agree with pp that the talk of settling down and you being the one sounds pretty positive to me. I had a relationship when I was in my early 20's with someone who had no idea how many people he's slept with but thought it was 'probably' below 50. He was a good boyfriend though and was gutted when I moved away and ended the relationship. He married and has been with his wife for 20 years.

I agree with posters saying you need to afford him privacy about the details of his past.

However his friends sound tactless and vulgar which isn't helping you not think about it.

I think he needs to tell his friends that they nearly split you up.

That should stop the 'banter'

Oh and people on MN don't think anything should be shared with their DH let alone OH, whether it's the number of people they've slept with, their towel, their phone pin number or their toothbrush. And they should definitely not be opening each others letters.

It's a very odd place IMO.

If my partner asked me if I had slept with more or less than 100 people I would tell him, correctly, that it was none of his business.

Sharing a toothbrush is disgusting, and no, you should not open someone else's letters.

I have no issue with the towel though.

I think if he has been in dozens of relationships lasting several months or more the OP is entitled to know if she is just part of this cycle. Does he get into relationships and then just jump ship when it gets to a certain point each time? If he he's had lots of women he goes out with only for a few weeks then her relationship with him is totally different and she can think of it as a true lasting partnership (or at least a potential one). He doesn't need to tell her all the details she just wants to know if this relationship is more sustainable than the ones that went before.

The only thing you need to worry about is you both getting STI tests before ditching the condoms.

There is a difference between someone's long-term relationship history and someone's sexual history. I think it's normal to discuss previous long-term relationships. However, you don't need to know how many women he's slept with since being sexually active! He may have had several long-term relationships, but mixed in could be women he dated briefly for a couple of months and women he's solely had sex with. You also need to bear in mind, that his friends might have guessed or made assumptions and may not actually know everything. He may have let them think he's a bit of a 'player' because it's easier than trying to explain otherwise. Of course there's a possibility he's had more women than you've had hot dinners, but unless he's treated them like crap and is awful, then what does it matter?! Does he treat you well? Is he respectful? Can you have a conversation with him? Does he make you laugh? Do you have shared values? All these things are the important stuff, not how many women he's had sex with.

Exactly.