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Original poster

Dating in your 50’s - do illnesses put you off

41 replies

coronade · 16/12/2025 23:29

Hi just wanted to get others opinions. Im not sure if I’m overthinking or looking for outs or if my thoughts are valid.

Have the joys of online dating in my mid 50’s but quite a few of the men I have met, have a list of health complaints. It really puts me off. I’m trying to keep myself as fit and active as possible as both my parents died of dementia and I lived with it for 19 years between the two of them.

I know you can’t guarantee anything and I could meet someone super fit who I fall in love with who then has a serious illness 6 months later but knowing from the start concerns me.
Ive had two dates with a nice man who has been retired 7 years (took it at 50). He has arthritis in both shoulders, hips and knees and rheumatoid arthritis in his hands. He does not do a lot of exercise from what I can tell and his social life is very much centred around drinking. He definitely has a growing beer belly but is currently fit and able, But I’m already thinking he’s just going to get slower and bigger and will need hip and shoulder replacements etc. I’ve just lost 2 stone and go to the gym and eat well and I’m worried if I continue seeing him I will slip back into my old ways and undo all my good work too.
I was also a carer for many years for my parents and really don’t knowingly want this in a relationship. Am I being unrealistic and shallow at my age of dating??

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 16/12/2025 23:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Know what you want, and go and get it. Look for.someone similar to you with whom you can have a good time and enjoy life.

WrylyAmused · 16/12/2025 23:41

I think that's entirely reasonable on your part, and not shallow at all to want a partner who can enjoy active pursuits with you.

I'm mid 40s. Partner is 50. He's 100% slim and physically healthy, but before I met him (some years ago), I was convinced I'd have to start dating younger for the physical health issues and the mentally old-before-their-time, sitting-around-in-pipe-and-slippers mentality I was finding in 40+ men. I still do active/extreme sports & want someone who both can keep up, and more importantly, wants to join me in those kinds of things!!

JadedVeryJaded · 16/12/2025 23:42

You are free to choose who to date and who not to date. Personally I’d run a mile from a man like this who has serious health problems but who drinks a lot.

Glitchymn1 · 16/12/2025 23:44

You don’t sound well matched, he’s more sedate and you’re active.

BauhausOfEliott · 16/12/2025 23:46

My DP and loads of my friends are in their mid-50s (I’m 49) and none of them are either arthritic or retired!

You and this man don’t sound compatible in terms of your lifestyles and it doesn’t sound like you fancy him really. You don’t have to settle for someone just because they’re nice. You can do better!

Soonenough · 16/12/2025 23:47

You don't want to be a nurse with a purse.

tikkl · 16/12/2025 23:48

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

Yes, they could be fit and get hit by a bus tomorrow, yada yada. But we're talking probabilities here. Why sign up for a life which will probably be significantly worse?

Personally, for example, I wouldn't date a smoker, and I think that's entirely reasonable. This is just another version of the same thing.

tlofmlwcharlie · 16/12/2025 23:53

He has arthritis in both shoulders, hips and knees and rheumatoid arthritis in his hands. He does not do a lot of exercise from what I can tell and his social life is very much centred around drinking. He definitely has a growing beer belly but is currently fit and able, But I’m already thinking he’s just going to get slower and bigger and will need hip and shoulder replacements etc. I’ve just lost 2 stone and go to the gym and eat well and I’m worried if I continue seeing him I will slip back into my old ways and undo all my good work too

You aren't compatible. It's not the illnesses which would put me off but the difference in interests. You go to the gym. I still do a lot of long-distance hiking and cross-country skiing. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who had a more sedate lifestyle. But if I was someone who preferred to do more sedentary activities at home the arthritis wouldn't bother me.
However, the drinking would.
Also it would put me off that he was already retired. I wouldn't want to be having to work another 17 years in my case while my partner was retired. I'd prefer someone who was also working so that I wouldn't end up being resentful of having to go to work while he was enjoying his retirement.

As for the other men you've talked to on online dating, I think it depends on what the illness is. It's about compatibility and whether they and their illness can fit in with your lifestyle or not. And from their point of view, the other way round applies too. Do you match up with their interests and needs?

reversegear · 16/12/2025 23:55

I’d be dropping the age range maybe, find a younger man who can keep up, for me 50 and retired would be so dull, I’d want a man who’s still active mentally and physically.

Original poster
coronade · 16/12/2025 23:59

Yes, I find it really hard when they are nice and like me. I did really enjoy our dates but I ultimately want a long term relationship and yes him already being retired for 7 years is also off putting as I still work.
His lack of desire to try and keep fit when he has so much free time is also very telling. I think if he walked and or swam a few times a week and was trying to keep mobile and healthy it wouldn’t be bothering me so much.,

OP posts:
jsku · 17/12/2025 00:04

Not at all unreasonable.
I’d certainly be looking for someone who has similar attitude towards healthy eating and lifestyle.
Sedentary man, who doesn’t take care of himself and considers drinking as his entertainment - is not a great long term partner.

And, sorry to say - if arthritis in most of his joints hasn’t pushed him to take care of himself - what will???? What is his plan - die young? Or is he rich (retiring at 50?) to afford having a live in carer…

I’d rather be on my own than with someone like that

SecretWitch · 17/12/2025 00:04

Date younger. I am 60 and my husband is 44. He is very active and healthy.

BruFord · 17/12/2025 00:05

After 19 years of caring responsibilities, I can completely understand why you don’t want to take on a partner who isn’t trying to look after themselves in their 50’s. I’m 51 and I wouldn’t take on a couch potato either!

BravebutBroken · 17/12/2025 00:11

This made me a little sad. I'm in my 30s and try to look after myself as much as I can, however I have a string of health issues. Not self inflicted so perhaps a little different. Thankfully I'm married to a very supportive and loving husband. But not nice to know id be that undesirable to so many people. 😟

Original poster
coronade · 17/12/2025 00:16

It’s not so much the health conditions it’s the fact he isn’t helping himself by staying active and healthy especially as he has lots of free time. The heavier he gets the worse his arthritis will be and less he does. It’s a vicious circle.
If I met someone, fell in love and they became ill of course I would support them.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 17/12/2025 00:21

coronade · 16/12/2025 23:29

Hi just wanted to get others opinions. Im not sure if I’m overthinking or looking for outs or if my thoughts are valid.

Have the joys of online dating in my mid 50’s but quite a few of the men I have met, have a list of health complaints. It really puts me off. I’m trying to keep myself as fit and active as possible as both my parents died of dementia and I lived with it for 19 years between the two of them.

I know you can’t guarantee anything and I could meet someone super fit who I fall in love with who then has a serious illness 6 months later but knowing from the start concerns me.
Ive had two dates with a nice man who has been retired 7 years (took it at 50). He has arthritis in both shoulders, hips and knees and rheumatoid arthritis in his hands. He does not do a lot of exercise from what I can tell and his social life is very much centred around drinking. He definitely has a growing beer belly but is currently fit and able, But I’m already thinking he’s just going to get slower and bigger and will need hip and shoulder replacements etc. I’ve just lost 2 stone and go to the gym and eat well and I’m worried if I continue seeing him I will slip back into my old ways and undo all my good work too.
I was also a carer for many years for my parents and really don’t knowingly want this in a relationship. Am I being unrealistic and shallow at my age of dating??

OP you’re not compatible at all !
Aside from him not wanting to stay as fit & healthy as he can be , the whole drinking thing would have me run a mile being honest , fuck that , that lifestyle should be left behind years ago .
Dinner & a few drinks is nice obviously, but from what I’m picking up from your post is , he’s a drinker .
I am also in the dating game , I’m 50 , like that zero interest in men who like the pub life & not into keeping fit .
Don’t have to be gym bunnies or anything, but walking , cycling , swimming, whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Have interests & hobbies very important.
We want someone to enjoy life with , not looking at someone nursing a hangover every weekend.

BruFord · 17/12/2025 00:22

BravebutBroken · 17/12/2025 00:11

This made me a little sad. I'm in my 30s and try to look after myself as much as I can, however I have a string of health issues. Not self inflicted so perhaps a little different. Thankfully I'm married to a very supportive and loving husband. But not nice to know id be that undesirable to so many people. 😟

@BravebutBroken What’s unappealing is the fact that he’s not taking care of himself and potentially adding to his existing health problems with drinking and lack of exercise.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 17/12/2025 00:22

OLD is horrible as it is so I’d maybe try to focus on active social groups, like hiking, walking, etc.

I also agree with dating younger.

cupfinalchaos · 17/12/2025 00:25

Dh and I are late 50’s healthy thank gd, still work out most days and still go skiing. We’re doing it to have as many healthy years as possible. I would find someone who wasn’t likeminded an unattractive proposition.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2025 01:16

Early 50's here and this is why I have decided to embrace singledom.

The cost of caring for the sake of companionship is just not a sum I can make work for me. And the chances of finding a man our age who doesnt have something going on are slim to none, so I officially signed out.

Most recent partner (of five years, I ended it summer 2024) was/is 4 years younger and had an enlarged prostate....didnt take his meds, work place injury hearing loss....wouldnt wear hearing aids, needed reading glasses....which he refused to wear.

Nah. Someone else can have that one to deal with.

DramaAlpaca · 17/12/2025 01:18

Not at all unreasonable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2025 01:22

BravebutBroken · 17/12/2025 00:11

This made me a little sad. I'm in my 30s and try to look after myself as much as I can, however I have a string of health issues. Not self inflicted so perhaps a little different. Thankfully I'm married to a very supportive and loving husband. But not nice to know id be that undesirable to so many people. 😟

The difference is that you are doing all you can to make sure you can have the best life possible within your health limitations. The man the OP posted about isnt doing any of those things.

You see your health issues as a reason to be as healthy as you can be, he seems to be using his as an excuse to do as little as possible "Oh but.....arthritis stops me going to the gym so I might as well go to the pub".

FlyMeToTheMoonJupiterandMars · 17/12/2025 02:49

I’m 53 (F) and wouldn’t go for someone like that either. I know plenty of fit and active men in their 50’s. Like you, I had caring responsibilities for parents for years so totally understand where you’re coming from.

Meadowfinch · 17/12/2025 05:17

There's a difference between self inflicted ailments caused by alcohol or a junk diet, and actual illnesses.

I'd date someone as long as they were taking steps to improve their health. Someone who eats themselves into needing hip replacements, or drinks like a fish is going to need a nurse, not a partner.

hattie43 · 17/12/2025 06:24

If you haven’t got a man by 50 leave him be . IMO after 50 they become too curmudgeonly too set in their ways and too inactive . It’s like they arrive at gods waiting room . Go younger , someone engaged in life .