Dating in your 50’s - do illnesses put you off

[coronade]

Hi just wanted to get others opinions. Im not sure if I’m overthinking or looking for outs or if my thoughts are valid.

Have the joys of online dating in my mid 50’s but quite a few of the men I have met, have a list of health complaints. It really puts me off. I’m trying to keep myself as fit and active as possible as both my parents died of dementia and I lived with it for 19 years between the two of them.

I know you can’t guarantee anything and I could meet someone super fit who I fall in love with who then has a serious illness 6 months later but knowing from the start concerns me.
Ive had two dates with a nice man who has been retired 7 years (took it at 50). He has arthritis in both shoulders, hips and knees and rheumatoid arthritis in his hands. He does not do a lot of exercise from what I can tell and his social life is very much centred around drinking. He definitely has a growing beer belly but is currently fit and able, But I’m already thinking he’s just going to get slower and bigger and will need hip and shoulder replacements etc. I’ve just lost 2 stone and go to the gym and eat well and I’m worried if I continue seeing him I will slip back into my old ways and undo all my good work too.
I was also a carer for many years for my parents and really don’t knowingly want this in a relationship. Am I being unrealistic and shallow at my age of dating??

Alcohol is about the worst thing you can add to a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. Exercise is critical. You are not dismissing him simply on health grounds, you are recognising that he is severely neglecting his health situation and making it worse!

I was dating someone who had prostrate cancer before I met him PP , it made everything in the bedroom different .
The whole thing for me would be if someone had health issues & weren’t doing the best by themselves to improve their health as best they can 🤷🏻‍♀️.
In OPS case he drinks too much , eats what he likes & no physical activity, he’s not looking after himself & letting himself go .

Date men you find attractive. (If their health or lifestyle puts you off, just swipe.)

But make a vow that you will never, ever, agree to live with any man, under any circumstances.

That way, their physical or mental decline will never become your responsibility or burden to deal with.

It’s an easy rule to follow.

Not unrealistic. Find a parkrunner or a MAMIL

Yup. To be fair, probably applies to women too. I wouldn't date me.

BUT with men there is the added expectation that their new woman will help look after them. As others have said, ending up in that role after 30/40 years of marriage is one thing. But going into it, seeing it in front of you isn't exactly an aphrodisiac (and despite their age and infirmities, they'll still want you to be gagging to shag them).

Fucking hell. I ran a marathon 3 days after I turned 50. An arthritic retiree would not be for me. He’s not even trying to manage his conditions. He’ll be arthritic and diabetic by the time he’s 60!

To be honest, the man the OP describes is clearly only on the apps because he’s interviewing for a nursemaid.

He needs to be open about that.

Not unreasonable at all OP.

Obviously some people do retire at 50, and suffer with arthritis… But, as so many men lie about their age when dating it does make me wonder if he’s really in his late 60s rather than late 50s?

I have very little trust in men tho!

Kindly, this thread isn’t about you. I’m physically fit and able but I have chronic depression (managed with medication) and adhd. Lots of people would hear that and immediately be turned off rolling their eyes. Those are not my people.

There are some women the their 50s who are not interested in an active lifestyle but there are also those of us who have spent years caring for others and don’t want the certainty of doing it again in the next few years.

Men in their 50s are a strange breed. They all assume that they are catch of the century while constantly clearing their throat, carrying an awful lot of extra timber, have hair growing out of weird places and having erectile dysfunction!

I mean, it’s not all of them but …

This isn't the same thing though!! this man is doing NOTHING to help himself and his only hobbies are the pub and he doesn't look after himself properly.

You say you do your best to look after yourself!

Why would someone actively chose to spend their life with a man who choses to drink and get fat on purpose and does no exercise - she'd end up a carer for him in a few years and its basically self inflicted!

Last date i went on was with a 35 year old man.
I couldn't fault him he was lovely.
No ex wife no kids no baggage.
Really down to earth.
Caring, none drinker lots in common.
No health issues.
But I just couldn't get past one thing he had a tiny head.

Yes I know two men aged 66. Fit as a fiddle. One does tai chi the other does diy. They both eat very healthily.

I think they are unusual though.

I would avoid someone who drinks a lot personally. Otherwise it depends on the health issue, how they are handling it and their attitude around it. (Speaking as someone who has a chronic health condition).

😂😂😂😂😂

It’s very different if your long term partner develops age onset health issues compared up choosing your enter into a new relationship with someone.

I have hereditary arthritis in my knees which k know will get worse in time but I manage my condition and still stay active and social. I just know when I hit my wall and need to rest.

Unfortunately the pool of eligible older men out there is shallower than a puddle and they all think they’re Brad Pitt’s sexier brother despite looking like Ran C Nesbitt

Not looking after themselves is more of a turn-off than a lot of actual health conditions, imo.

If they haven't learnt to take responsibility for that by the time they're in their 50s, then when exactly are they going to learn it?

It seems all part and parcel of the kind of man who believes it's someone else's job to take care of him. A woman's job, obviously. And if you're his partner, it's going to be YOUR job. No thanks.