Comfortable relationship, but unsure about the future

[cosynight]

I’m 38F, my partner is 44M, together nearly 2 years. Our relationship is calm and comfortable. We get along well, spend most weekends together, have good chemistry, and support each other in daily life. He’s caring, helpful, and affectionate.

However, I feel increasingly unsure about the future of this relationship.

We don’t live together, and despite our age and time together, there’s been no clear progress or plan. Whenever I brought it up, he spoke vaguely about timing or “having a plan,” without specifics. He would be moving into mine (I own, he rents) and said if it was me moving in with him, we would have been lived together after first 6 months. But because it is my home, he was waiting for me to initiate. I did gently do that a few days later, only for him to change the subject.

I also struggle with feeling invisible. He’s never publicly acknowledged our relationship (no posts, photos, or status), while he was very open on social media with his ex.

When I express hurt or discomfort (e.g. about certain comments or behaviors), he tends to minimize it or say he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. After serious conversation we had a few weeks ago, things quickly went back to normal without much follow-up.

He’s kind in everyday actions, but emotionally avoidant when it comes to commitment and future planning. I’m starting to wonder if I’m in a comfortable “here and now” relationship rather than a future-oriented one.

How do you tell the difference between someone who cares but is emotionally avoidant, and someone who’s simply comfortable and not fully invested in building a future together?

They are the same thing. Sorry, OP, but if he is not sharing a photo of you/his relationship status on SM after 2 years this is going nowhere.

It's here and now from everything you have said. I think you need a big conversation.

Aaww OP I sympathise with you massively here as I was in a similar relationship for 2 years and it was so damaging. This relationship ended 6 years ago now and I am still reviving from the hurt of being treated in this way. From what you are saying, he definitely appears to be avoidant. Do some research on avoidant attachment and see if this fits. If so in all likelihood he will continue to breadcrumb you….. will give you small pieces of himself to make you think there is potential but never actually progress anywhere.
Have you met his friends and family? With me aside of the refusing to talk about a future plan and not wanting me to have a presence on his social media, he also never introduced me to his friends and family and whenever I would suggest either me meeting his or him meeting mine, he would give an excuse not to so this relationship let me incredibly hurt and damaged feeling that I wasn’t enough and I was the secret no-one was allowed to know about.

I would insist in a full and frank conversation about the future, making it completely clear what you want to happen and don’t let him squirm his way out of it. If he continues to try to do this then you do have your answer, which sadly I fear that you already do.

I sympathise with you here and you need to bring it to a head and get an actual plan with him. You're in limbo now and he's treating you like a holding place - I've been there and it feels awful, I really sympathise. My ex would be lovely in the moment and keen to talk about plans way in the future which we're all pie in the sky. Plans for the immediate 6 to 12 months, wouldn't commit

That’s what I’m afraid of, and it would break my heart if this ended up being the reason we break up.

I’ve met his mum once. She lives abroad. He suggested we visit her together this year. Other than that, there’s no family, and he has two best friends. I’ve only met one of them twice. Meanwhile, I’m very close to my friends and family, and he met all of them quite early on. We spend a lot of time with them.

I told him about all the issues I see in our relationship two weeks ago. He didn’t know what to say and kept repeating that he didn’t understand why I saw these things as problems. He couldn’t sleep that night, but fast forward to today nothing has changed.

He’s posted on social media since then, but I’m still not there. We went on holiday last month, and I thought maybe he was waiting for that, but the only photo he posted was of himself, one I took, without even mentioning that we were on holiday together.
@bluedabadeedabadoo
whs that the reason why your relationship ended?
I'm not sure if I want to be pushing him to do anything. I feel like I already said what I wanted to say to him and now I want to distance myself. The timing is bad - we have a lot of plans for Christmas, with my family of course. They all like him too and get on very well which makes it more difficult.

@coolcahuna This is exactly how I feel, like a placeholder. He keeps saying how great our relationship and life together are, and how much he loves me. But the lack of progress, no real plans, and being kept hidden from the world are slowly killing my feelings for him.

it ended because I confronted him about all the issues I have spoken about here, how this made me feel and said that for me there needed to be at least some vague plan for the future. He said he couldn’t commit to that. At one point he said he thought living together would progress naturally where with 3 kids between us which we both co-parent and living in bought houses 30 mins apart, that would never be the case. And the other excuse was that he didn’t see himself living with someone whilst his kids were so young (they were 12 and 13 at the time) but at the start he didn’t mention living together which I think felt safe for him when it wasn’t really a possibility but something he pushed away when it wasn’t. He could never tell me why he kept me so separate from the rest of his life.
Well if you feel you have your answer already I suppose your options are to accept it’s a ‘here and now’ relationship with the future never actually arriving or walk away x

I think you do want different things, yes.

Honestly I know how horrible this feels but unless you're happy to settle for his version of the relationship, it's unlikely he's going to change. I get the social media thing, it's like he's not proud to be with you. I've also had that same thing when they are posting on social media like they are at this place on their own ?! It sounds silly to get annoyed but it's not. What happens when you post and tag him in stuff? Sorry you're feeling like this so close to Christmas

I had a guy like this. I felt like I was secret. It became obvious he wanted to carry on like this indefinitely. I didn’t want a living together type relationship, but I also wasn’t just accepting everything all on his terms. I ended it after 8 months as the feelings of being hidden and like I wasn’t good enough was starting to mess with my head. Best thing I could have done was get shot of him. He was a classic dismissive avoidant, so there were a whole host of other issues. Idk about your guy, but if he is also an avoidant he isn’t ever going to give you anything emotionally or even practically.

Thank God I’m not losing my mind!

On a practical level, he’s brilliant. He helps with everything without being asked, does all the DIY, cooks, fixes things. Since we started dating, my life has genuinely been so much easier. On that level, he’s a solid 10/10.

That’s why I’m still here, hoping he’ll eventually commit and that this relationship isn’t a dead end. But I also feel naïve and stupid for putting up with it for so long.

I think I’ll need to carry on until after Christmas to avoid drama, and then gradually phase out of his life.

You're not stupid or naive. Its easy to get pulled in. At least you've realised now.
You're more invested than him. Don't waste your time. It's precious.
Someone on another thread mentioned a link to something called "fuck yes/fuck no" which talks about this. Sorry I don't have the link. If I find it I'll come back unless someone finds it first!
Good idea to put it out of your head until after Christmas. I don't think any amount of talking is going to change his attitude. The difference between sm and you and his ex tells you everything. He may be putting you on the backburner until someone better (in his eyes) comes along. You don't want someone so shallow in your life. I detest people that waste others time in this way.

I'm going to go against the grain here..

my partner who I have been with 6 years and have a child with (2yo) are very solid and happy.

he is my perfect match but when we first got together he was moving at a slow pace, wasn't keen on moving into my place (I own) so quickly and wanted to get to know me properly before rushing to the next level. he did tell me he loved me and painted a picture of the perfect relationship for me.

everyone around me commented that he wasnt interested, was bread crumbing me and gas lighting. but it was actually that he's introverted, quiet and sensible.

I didn't put pressure on him although I felt similar to how you describe I just sort of trusted him and his words. he never has posted me on social media or even our child. I honestly don't think it's that deep. I didn't meet his family until after a year. I haven't now ever met his friends.. he has met mine but again he's very introverted and doesn't see his friends much and I am very extraberted so we have different ideas about friends and how important that aspect of our relationship is.

we are fully commited to one another, engaged, live together, never really argue and id say it's my healthiest relationship IV ever had.

its not always black and white and men aren't always just trying to have their cake and eat it. some are just different in personality and actually want to take it slow because they care.

this is my experience anyway!

HTH

also just to add about being emotionally unavailable or people saying hes not invested.

communication is key! I think people can feel how they feel and it's valid but not everyone thinks and feels the same or experiences things the same way.

he may come across emotionally unavailable because lots of people want their relationships to jump from one milestone to the next and he may just want to savour and enjoy each step and that doesn't make him unavailable.

id also be inclined to think it's pretty decent he isn't rushing to move into your house your own most mumsnetters will be quick to call him a cocklodger if he was and it shows he's not interested in you for what he can get out of you..I think it's a green flag.

This is extreme, but what made me see the light so to speak, was his reaction when he realised his teenage sons were at the cinema. He was so terrified they would see me he actually tracked their phones! Now, I had no desire to meet them tbh, and I wasn’t looking for a living together blended family type situation anyway, if I hadn’t know their mum who he split with ten years ago wasn’t married and totally moved on I would have assumed the relationship wasn’t over. But that insane reaction really did it for me 😅

This relationship is comfortable for him, not for you. He minimises your feelings, wants and needs. He knows you're hurt but doesn't care because he is happy with the way things are. If you want a relationship - go and find someone who values you

It's not you, or anything about you OP, it's him. You have correctly identified that he's avoidant. He shifts responsibility to you - the not living together is a good example (his excuse for being passive and ignoring you when you talked to him about moving in). In my experience, it gets worse and not better. They are most highly motivated at the start of the relationship. As time goes on, the avoidance only increases. It's especially callous of him to post on social media about your holiday, but editing you out of the situation. People with this attachment style are hard to break away from because they are experts at breadcrumbing and making you doubt yourself.

I think you deserve better because it's reading to me like he is auditioning to be a good housemate rather than this is a romantic relationship. The fact that he was different with his ex shows his behaviour with you is a choice. You are young, you have a house, you can learn to diy.. those perks can be replaced. You deserve a partner who cherishes you and is proud of being a couple with you.

What did he say about his ex? I can't see those comments from OP, but may have missed them.

His ex had it all. Their photos together are still on social media, four years after they broke up, on his old Facebook profile, which he claims he’s asked moderators to delete multiple times. There are also old declarations of love to her.

In that relationship, they moved in together quickly and he was able to commit. They tried for a baby for a few years. She cheated on him, then came back saying she was pregnant with his child. He took her back, they had baby, and he provided financially while she didn’t work, by his account, they had a very comfortable lifestyle.

She cheated again four years later and threw him out of their flat. She’s now with the OM, they’re engaged and recently had another baby.

Part of me thinks he’s never fully moved on from that relationship. I’ve mentioned it twice, but he’s assured me there are no feelings and that it’s a closed chapter of his life.
I get that is a lot. But this is different relationship now

That doesn't sound like a great relationship at all, @cosynight . The reason I asked is because glorification of the ex/previous relationship is an absolute standard of avoidant partners. They make you feel like you or your relationship could never live up to the previous one. It's a move to justify avoidance and withdrawal and it leaves the person on the receiving end feeling rubbish. I think you're right to question whether or not he's over his ex, but it could just be a strategy and not necessarily a conscious one.

I sort of agree with this. my partner was not treated well in a previous relationship so was trying to take things slow not because he loved his ex still but because of his experience. I think everyone on here seems so quick to say he's not invested and doesn't want the same but I think everyone reacts differently to situations and he's probably just taking it slow so not to make similar or the same mistakes. his last relationship sounds rushed so it probably wasn't a right fit for him so ended. where as with you if you take it slow it could very well work out as you can get to know eachother well then move in, marriage, kids whatever you decide just if it's slower it's well thought out and you can actually get to know the person before trying to do all the usually milestones and realising later it isn't the right relationship or person for you. @cosynight

Oh yes, the ‘phantom ex’.

Wow, 2 years and he won’t even post a photo of you together.

Really sorry to say but this probably isn’t going to end in any satisfaction for you. It sounds like you’ve tried to initiate a conversation but it’s not improved anything.

I can only see ongoing unhappiness for you.

It doesn't sound that 'calm and comfortable' if he's emotionally avoidant, commitment-phobic, regularly does things that upset you and then refuses to talk about it when you bring it up.

But you don't say anything about what you want -- do you want to live with someone? Do you want to have a child? if so, I'd move on.