Struggling with moving on..

[LittleTulips]

I’m feeling really sad that I haven’t been able to move on. I’m a single mum and I’ve been on my own for almost a decade. The kids don’t see their dad, so I don’t get any free time at all. Yes, I could spend a lot of money on babysitters, but the truth is I don’t have that kind of money, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep it up for the long period of time it would take before I felt comfortable introducing someone to my children. And honestly, even if money wasn’t an issue, I don’t like the idea of leaving them with someone I don’t really know.

All of my single mum friends seem to have moved forward new partners, new babies, some even remarried and here I am feeling like I’m stuck in the same place like I’m living in the past. My ex was the last person I kissed and the last person I slept with, and I hate that, nearly ten years later, he’s still the last. I haven’t even kissed another man in all that time.

I know I’ve moved on emotionally I don’t want to be with my ex but it feels like I haven’t moved on physically, and that makes me feel stuck. Has anyone else been in this situation? I’d really appreciate any words of wisdom.

When I split briefly with my Husband and father of my child I remember thinking, I should get with other men, I should be playing the field, I'm single, I'm still lovable.
What I did in real life was drink wine, play songs in my kitchen, feel utterly alone, go to bed and wake up and do it all again.
Until I had healed, until I had stopped thinking about him.
It took two years and then we got back together and have been together another 15 years.
The IMPORTANT bit is have you started to see him as an ex.
I ever did, he was always going to be back in my life sooner or later.

I’m not sure how old your DC are now but after 10 years they are almost able to spend a couple of hours without babysitting, perhaps during school time if not, just start with one date once a week just for an hour or so, particularly with first dates don’t spend too long with them. Then if you meet someone you really like, perhaps it will fall into place when you have time. It’s difficult for you, but even if it’s still not the right time now, there will come a time when you are free again.

My youngest is 8 and a half so not quite a decade but not far off, ive thought about the school thing but realistically what men are going to want a woman that’s only available 10-2 a couple of times a week! One looking for one thing I would imagine I don’t see how anyone would manage a relationship like that

It really annoys me when people say ‘just get a babysitter ‘ as if you can build a relationship with someone only seeing them once in a blue moon especially when you need to know them long enough to introduce children to.

I did have a relationship after my divorce but he wasn’t what he seemed and it fell to shit. Now my exh night moving abroad so I’ve resigned myself to never being in a relationship again as I’ll have ds every weekend .

Don't try to solve problems you don't yet have. The only thing that limits you is your limiting belief. Granted, there aren't many me out there who are available for a date between 10am and 2pm but there will be some. Don't let fear stop you from trying.

All you need to worry right now is finding a good man to take you out for lunch. You don't need to plan the entire relationship with all the logistics. I am currently seeing a single dad who lives 90 miles away. He works from home so can nip out for lunch and we meet half way between us once a week. At this stage. I have no interest in planning how we are going to problem-solve our future. It's enough that I enjoy his company in the early stages of dating.

How do you maintain a relationship only seeing someone at lunch time? Sounds like I’d only attract men who want one thing or are in a relationship sneaking out on their lunch break!

Yep exactly, professional babysitters cost a fortune, my friends date whilst their kids are at their dads house, I don’t know anyone that would hire a sitter to do this it would cost a fortune.

The same way you maintain a relationship seeing someone every day. You meet up, do things together, talk, share. Loads of phone conversations and messages in-between.
For contrast, me and my ex lived together and we did none of these things. And we couldn't maintain a relationship. At all. So it's not about proximity or time. It's about how well you use the time you have.
You don't know what kind of men you'll attract because you already decided in your head that this is not going to work so you are not even willing to try. And I totally get it but, in dating, you need to have an open mind and "let's just see" attitude. You literally have nothing to lose by trying.

Can’t you offer to watch your friends’ kids and they return the favour?

I also work full time and use all my annual leave during the school holidays
tbh I just wish I had more friends in the same boat but it’s actually harder than it sounds to find other single parents who want to / have the time to socialise

Well I wouldn’t date someone in my situation (if I wasn’t) so I wouldn’t blame any man for feeling the same.

They are not interested their exes are involved and they have family support, they would in an emergency but not as default childcare

I have single parent friends but I don’t relate to them their kids dads are all involved and they often meet up without me because I don’t have childcare

Then accept your situation and move on. There is no point feeling sad about something that you can't see a way of changing. Use this time to build a fulfilling life in a different way.

But it is worth remembering that just because you wouldn't date a man in your situation, doesn't mean all men feel the same way. I am quite content seeing my guy because it's low key, low pressure and leaves me with loads of time for my own hobbies, interests and friends. And, if all goes well, there will be plenty of opportunities down the line to be more involved in each other's lives. But there is no rush to think about it just now.

Thing is you don't know if you don't try, some times we can self sabotage before even try. There could be men in a similar position to you, I'd give it a go, you have nothing to lose x

Yes they’d date me casually for sex, I’m being realistic if I started a thread on mumsnet asking how many women would date a single dad who only had 10-2 available I don’t think there would be many women saying they’d be up for that, I don’t think I couldn’t find a man for sex but not to build a relationship with.

I think at the moment you need to try and focus on the nearer future and what you want that to look like, rather than imagining how you'll deal with something that might happen.
You seem quite down on yourself, which is understandable, I was a single parent for 4 years, I had a nearly 2 year old and 8 year old, it was incredibly hard, they only saw their dad every other saturday for 4 hours so barely any free time either. The mental weight as well as physically doing everything is so tiring.
After about 2 years of focusing on myself and my girls, feeling independent and content, I tried a bit of OLD briefly, found Hinge to be pretty good, met some lovely people but no one I wanted to progress with. So I left it, as it is draining and time consuming the endless chats etc.
Then out of nowhere I met someone in the regular face to face way and out of nothing came something very unexpected. Im firmly of the belief that if its meant for you, it will happen and you'll make it work. Dont over analyse things that might never happen, focus on yourself and not what others are doing, comparison is the thief of joy.
The right person is out there for you dont give up hope

I get ye, I hear ye, I felt the same as I was on my own and always got the 'just get a sitter' thing off people who turned out not to be my friends anyway. My youngest was 12 when i started dating again having been alone all of the childs life as we split when I was pregnant. Now the person i dated for 2 years turned out to be an arsehole but I did get to date for two years. I am now single again and think I am happier now than ever. I know myself more and just do 'me' things now. Your time will come, hang in there.

Who had your child for you to date can i ask?

Their dad, on a saturday.
If things had progressed further than date 3 or 4 then I could have asked my parents to help but they are elderly so cant take the mick.
I never had an issue with men not understanding my availability, I was always very transparent about where my priorities and commitments were. Some didn't progress because I couldnt give them the time they wanted. Others I ended as I didnt feel anything.
When I met my now partner of a year, everything just fell into place, as we met in real life it has just been easier to sort everything and as things progressed he would come to mine when kids in bed etc. I had always thought id never be able to make it work round my children and busy life but he just fitted right in. Obviously weve been together a while so now he helps with children etc.

Oh ok thats a bit different then as my ex doesnt see our children and my parents wouldnt babysit

This is where you're going wrong.

I have a theory that's been reasonably popular when I've brought it up before.

I'll give you the short version. Men and women date for different reasons.

Women date to find someone to spend their lives with. Men date to find someone to spend an evening with. And my theory for why disparity exists is that womens biological clock ticks faster than men.

For women, at the back of their heads there's always "I need to be having kids by 35, which means I need to be married by 32, so I need to find a man worth marrying by the time I'm 30." That makes every single relationship a big risk. Are you wasting time with this guy when he's going to let you down. Every first date involves you thinking about the future.

Men don't have that pressure. We don't need to settle down until we're 50 if we don't want to. So we don't spend that first date trying to evaluate whether we want to spend our lives with the person opposite with us. The furthest we're looking into the future is "Would I like another date with this person". We're not looking for someone to spend out lives with, we're looking for someone to spend next Tuesday with, and then if that goes well, maybe Saturday, and then Sunday, and then... Long term relationships aren't something we go looking for, they're something that happen to us almost by accident.

And it means dating for us is fun! And I don't just mean the sex bit, but the actual date bit. It's fun to spend a few hours out for a meal or in the pub or out for a walk, getting to know someone new, finding out you fancy them, finding out they fancy you.

Ok, that wasn't really the short version.

So here's the thing. You want to date, but you're trying to date to find someone to spend your life with. You don't have time for that, and won't for a good 5 years or so yet. But ironically, the very thing thats stopping you finding your partner for life, is the thing that's freed you from your other time constraint. You've had your kids, you don't have that biological clock ticking down to 0 any more.

And that means you don't need to date like a woman any more, you can date like a man, for the sheer fun of it.

There are plenty of men who will be happy with a lunchtime date once a week, and not just shit men either. Men who don't have a lot of free time, men who have their own caring constraints. Men who work weird hours.

Are any of these likely to turn into the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? Probably not. But you don't need them to be, you've got years to find "the one". For now, you can just date for fun, spend an enjoyable afternoon here and there. Most of them might only last 3 or 4 dates before you or he get bored, but why does it matter, you don't have time for a proper relationship anyway. Maybe you find someone you want to kiss, maybe even have sex with after a couple of months. Maybe you even find someone who you're happy to have a very casual relationship with for a while. You get a bit of practice in, you get to have someone other than your ex be your last romantic partner, and most importantly, you get to spend a few enjoyable afternoons with some nice adult company.

And then, in 5 years or so, you can start dating like a woman again if you want.

I know what you are saying and I do really appreciate it but I’m really not looking for casual I do what a life partner and someone I can have a future with I can’t do casual or fun! I need that connection I can’t date like a man 🤣 I also would like to get married in the future

This is why im saying focus on the now, not the well if I did meet someone I cant do this and this.....if you dont have the capacity to be child free at the moment, then your time will come when its meant to.
By focusing on what other people around who were single parebts havd done it wont help you at all.
Focus on the now, being whole and complete without somebody, and when the time is right things will change

But why though?

I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with not wanting a casual relationship, I just want you to unpick your reasons a bit.

I get that you want a long term relationship, and to get married one day. But I think you'd agree that that's off the table for now, your circumstances don't allow it. You wouldn't have needed to start this thread if that wasn't the case.

So your options are either stay completely single, or just date casually for a while in the mean time. Neither are your preferred option, but why is cutting yourself off from dating completely the better option. If you can explain the reasons behind that to yourself, then you might at least be a bit happier about your current circumstances, it might feel like a choice rather than something you've had inflicted on you.

And for what its worth, the closest connection I've ever felt with someone (don't tell DP!) was in a relationship in my early 20s where we only saw each other for a day or so every couple of months because we lived on different sides of the country. There was no future in it, but there was nothing casual about it.