Tightwad partner

[Isthisit2025]

What does a mean man look like? I don’t know if my expectations are too high (they’re actually in the basement) but I’m wondering if they are?

My partner (we don’t live together) seems to calculate everything. If he ‘treats’ me to something, he will constantly remind me and somehow holds me in his debt!

We recently went away for the night and he ‘treated’ me by paying for the hotel. So did that mean I had to pay for everything else? The way I see it is that it wasn’t agreed like that. He wanted to pay for the hotel, not “isthis I’ll
pay the hotel and you pay for food/drinks”
it’s like he has done me a favour and wants payback.

Fuck that. I hope you aren’t married or have dc. Get rid!! FWIW even my skint partners have never done this penny pinching or calculating.

Run for the hills and don’t look back.

Get rid now

I hear what you’re saying but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I just always feel in his debt for some reason.

He sounds horrible. I couldn't put up with that. Ditch him now, he won't improve

You feel in his debt because that is the feeling he creates.

A man who loves you will take pleasure is surprising you or making you happy. This one is keeping tally.

What if you had a child with him and needed his support during maternity leave? He'd make you feel like his debtor for the rest of your life, and expect payback. Maybe get angry if you didn't deliver what he wants.

I'd get out now.

He's totting up your relationship according to monetary inputs.

Yuck.

As hard as it may be - but ditch this one. My ex husband was the same. Didn’t recognise it for too long. He ended up being severely financially abusive in the end, and then left me in a shit financial (and emotional!) situation.

This isn't what you want, relationships shouldn't feel so transactional

My ex was like this. He once brought me away for my birthday. One night away in a fantastic hotel and included a spa treatment. I was then pretty much advised that dinner and drinks were my shout. They cost a similar amount and I got no gift or card.

The following year I brought him away for his birthday which coincided with valentines day and our first anniversary. I paid for two nights with one dinner included and two spa treatments each. I bought him a little anniversary gift and valentines and birthday cards. He in return paid for dinner one night with one bottle of wine and ordered a second bottle to the room meaning i picked up the tab. A valentines card and a 6 pack of scampi fries given to me. He never got any better and in fact worked out that on many of our date nights I was paying more. Miserable tight bastard. I do not miss him at all.

If he is starting out this way he will only get worse. Run now while you can.

It won’t get better. Get out now

There’s no love here for you. It’s way too transactional.
Dump him, it will only get worse.

I couldn't be with someone like that, I don't like feeling like my relationships are transactional.

I mean, I think with DH and I, things work out that we are doing the same number of "treating" each other, but it's done spontaneously, because we like doing nice things for each other, not with a running tally going.

I mean, it isn't actually a treat if you have to pay the person back, is it?

Life is too short for this

No generosity of spirit is deeply dispiriting to everyone else. Look elsewhere. You will spend your life feeling judged, unworthy and resentful. Not nice.

Get rid of the tight git. As others have said, meanness goes straight to the bone - he will be mean about everything.

You are not being unreasonable and he is making you feel obligated to him. Dump this mean man back in the dating pool. This is who he is and he’s also seeing how much you will tolerate from him.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Some people can't help but be tit for tat.. I couldn't be with one personally, as I find that sort of thing utter hard work, but I don't think they always choose to be that way, could be a product of his upbringing if he didn't have much growing up, or maybe his parents were that way?

Or maybe he genuinely doesn't mind paying for things (he did offer after all), but has problems with letting it drop and wants to remind you so he can carry on getting thanks and praise for it, that isn't a good trait, but can be worked on if he doesn't realise how bad it makes you feel.

Either way.. tight people and non-tight people just aren't compatible, you will come to hate each other so may as well jack it in now IMO.

STBX DP did this to me - booked a weekend away as a birthday gift for me. Then at the end presented me with the bill for half of everything we had eaten, drunk and done. I was gobsmacked and would never have gone if I had known that. I foolishly paid up without saying anything but it was such a tight squeeze financially.
I think it would have been okay if we had agreed to go somewhere together but him making out it was a gift when it's not a gift if I have to pay!

What about a FWB scenario. OP doesn't say what kind of relationship.

You don't live together, so there's no shared finances. So it generally, seems fair to split costs of dates between you. Not calculated to the nearest penny or anything exact - just if he pays one time, you pay next, or else some other way of sharing out the costs like you have done here.

But it's not on for him to claim that he's treated you when you've contributed half the cost. If he's offering to treat you to something, that implies he's offering to foot the bill for it, not go halves. You should respond by telling him that you treated him to food and drink.

Anyone who goes on (and on and on) about doing something for you, when it was something beneficial to both of you is just not worth the hassle. Doesn’t matter if it’s a holiday or the hoovering.

Thanks for all your replies, it’s given me lots to think about. I am naturally very generous, but have always ended up being a constant giver, with friends/family/adult DC too. I also agree that mean with money generally mean with everything else.

I really don’t need to be constantly told how ‘lucky’ I am. I really am low maintenance, should be grateful. I think that’s how I am seen as in a relationship.

Could you imagine sharing a house with someone like this..everything being calculated to the penny!!
Nope op get rid now he's not suddenly going to turn giving and generous.

Leave!!!

I had an ex like this. We had a child together. I took ALL of the financial hit for maternity leave. He moved into my house and rented his own out and kept that money.

He bought an £8 cake once for nursery when it was our son's birthday and he told me that I owed him £4.

He ended up very emotionally abusive but wow.... The money stuff was a big red flag around control that I should have spotted earlier!!