Tightwad partner

[Isthisit2025]

What does a mean man look like? I don’t know if my expectations are too high (they’re actually in the basement) but I’m wondering if they are?

My partner (we don’t live together) seems to calculate everything. If he ‘treats’ me to something, he will constantly remind me and somehow holds me in his debt!

We recently went away for the night and he ‘treated’ me by paying for the hotel. So did that mean I had to pay for everything else? The way I see it is that it wasn’t agreed like that. He wanted to pay for the hotel, not “isthis I’ll
pay the hotel and you pay for food/drinks”
it’s like he has done me a favour and wants payback.

We don’t share children and are ‘older’ having been together around 3 years. Although he can be ‘generous’ (I’m being generous here) it is not what I’d describe as that word implies. I feel The generosity is not sincere and that I will be reminded of it (which I am) at some point. I guess I am
now looking for that behaviour so mostly on tenterhooks for the next episode, which leaves me feeling resentful.

The new year will bring new beginnings.

The issue is that although you see bring very generous and a giver as a strength, some people see it as a weakness to exploit.

Many people would have called him out a long time ago on his ‘treats’ but because of your generosity with money which can be linked to people pleasing, you’ve gone along with it and are even questioning v whether it’s a you issue - it’s not it’s a him issue.

Unfortunately he seems to see his ‘treats’ as transactional. Who wants to be with a man who keeps a balance sheet of dating finances.

I agree it is not an attractive quality but if everything else is good in the relationship, why don't you talk about it, it would help. People's approaches to money have a lot to do with how they were brought up, their culture, how anxious they feel about it, and also how much disposable income they have. I had a similar issue with my partner, but once I overcame my distaste and spoke to him about it, we reached a happy medium, and things are on an even keel.
Perhaps read:
www.amazon.co.uk/Open-Up-Power-Talking-About/dp/1788161874

@TwistedWonderyou are correct in that giving can, without a doubt be abused, and it has been. I don’t think he is doing this though. He is just keeping tabs (I think). And I am definitely a people pleaser, hence the giving.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswetThere are many things we enjoy and have in common, it is not all bad, so your post is helpful that I should really have a proper talk with him. I have called him tight on many occasions but we have never discussed it constructively, this may be worth a try so thank you for that, I will have a look at the book.

I am so glad I posted as I have been given different views on the matter, all of which I will give consideration.

Dump that cheapskate skinflint ASAFP

I find MN is very quick to tell folks to leave/end the relationship but if other things are good, and he is basically a decent, kind person, on the scale of problems, money is actually a resolvable one - and often is a case of crossed wires. One partner approaches money as a gift exchange and the other is keeping tabs. Just talk about it. Tell him how his behaviour around money is different from yours, talk about what influences your approach to money (childhood experiences/wealth/poverty etc) and what his behaviour makes you feel. All of this is much more than just about money but what it symbolizes so it makes for a good chat if approached the right (non-accusatory) way. Good luck!

My daughter has a DH like that, he’s as tight as a ducks arse, but one way or another she gets exactly what she needs. They have 4 kids all teens so she is very busy with them, the crunch will come when they leave home and she has spare time on her hands.

He sounds like an asshole and you can do better than be treated like this. You are no doubt better off just paying for a hotel than paying for everything else on a weekend away. Then I bet as he pays for the hotel than he acts like he has taken you away even though you pay more. If you stay with this type of man then make sue you pay for the fixed cost and then he pays for everything else. The same thing seems to happen in here where he pays the mortgage and then the woman pays more for everything else and he sees the house as his.

I think is absolutely reasonable to both contribute equally financially. Is it a "totting everything up to the penny" aspect that is bothering you? I get that part.