ED issues in a new relationship

[TheSnorax]

(Erectile dysfunction rather than eating disorder, to be absolutely clear.)

I’m dating a lovely guy. It’s fairly early days and we recently slept together for the first time. He had trouble maintaining an erection and I’ve never encountered this before. He made very sure that I had a good time - he went down on me and gave me several orgasms - but he lost his erection during PIV sex and during a blow job, and he didn’t come. We talked about it a little later in the night and I got the impression that it has happened before. He didn’t seem worried or upset about it.

Please can anyone offer some constructive advice on how is best to broach the issue, if at all? Please don’t give me the stock MN response of ‘throw this one back’. I’m not going to dump a lovely guy over a psychological or physiological issue which might be out of his control.

Had he been drinking? If so I'd say that was a factor. (Or taking drugs, but then he'd definitely be in the throw back category!)

I speak from experience, my fiancé suffers from ED, please support him, be sympathetic, we’ve been together 12 years. Stress and PTSD caused it. He’s a wonderful man. I love him to the moon and back. For me it’s not an issue it gets better. He needs medication when he is stressed but I have my faults I’m not perfect. Just recently gone through a full hysterectomy at 44, I’m on HRT and the tables have turned. I couldn’t wish for a more supportive partner. It’s weird seeing it from a different perspective. I am there for him and he’s there for me. Xx

Yes, we had both been drinking in the evening, but it happened again in the morning and I don’t know if that’s still a factor the next day?

It could be drinking, or perhaps this is an issue that will get better with time as you get to know each other better! I’ve had friends who have had similar problems with new guys but the issue has sort of resolved itself once they discussed sexual preferences and got more comfortable with each other. I wouldn’t bring up something like viagra immediately, just wait to see how it goes. Glad he gave you several orgasms though!

Maybe just accept that sex looks a bit different with this guy? It sounds like he is focused on your pleasure and maybe that’s enough?

As you'd both had a drink I'd just see what happened the next time you have sober sex as that will give you a better benchmark for "normal".

Very happy to do this!

Suggest viagra or Cialis. There's no shame in it.

You already talked about it and he is not concerned. I don't fell this is something to "broach" further. You had a lovely time, he did too. PIV is the most boring bit anyway. I once had a lover who literally never bothered with PIV and never orgasmed. Just not interested in it. He got his "fix" from seeing my pleasure. Best lover I've ever had.

Life’s too short for bad sex.

I agree, but the sex wasn’t bad. I had a great time. I’m asking because my last relationship was a twenty-year marriage to a very self-centred man who would have sooner flown than have sex and not come 🤷🏻‍♀️ and so this is new territory for me!

How old is he?

It used to happen to my partner when we were only early 30s. Some get performance anxiety in the early days.

@CandyCaneKisses early 40s

PIV is the best part for many!

Could be a bit of anxiety, there are some health conditions that can affect this - there are also medications that can help.
Up to you if it's an issue really.

Statistically, for the vast majority of women it is least likely to lead to an orgasm. So while it may "feel nice" it certainly isn't the best bit. Nowhere near.

What is PIV?

Communication is absolutely key in this dilemma.

The more he feels he can talk to you and doesn’t feel judged the more at ease you’ll feel because he’ll be letting you know more about the situation.

What do you think 'PIV' could possibly mean in a sexual context?! 🙄

Penis in vagina.

It's not the best bit for me but I wouldn't want to be without it. In fact, it's a dealbreaker for me. The penetration bit is the real intimate, connecting bit for me. I enjoy it for that. I don't ever orgasm from it, although have come close a few times.

Fit and healthy man here with occasional ED. Sometimes I lose an erection, sometimes I don't finish, sometimes both of those (especially if it's the second time in an evening), but usually neither.

Mine was much worse in the early days of our relationship, probably due to anxiety, and pops up(!) now and then. We just work around it when it happens; our lovemaking usually lasts several hours, with PIV being only part of that, and we are both having the best and most loving sex of our lives 🙂

PIV is great but is not the be all and end all - it's worth considering that lesbians manage very well indeed without it.

Best thing is to be open and good humoured about it without adding pressure. It can be an extremely demoralising experience, and it's easy to get into a vicious circle of ED and performance anxiety. Viagra is worth a go, even if just for placebo value, but we seldom bother with it.

Good luck!

Was he wearing a condom? My poor husband will often lose his erection as soon as he puts one on. Sex for us is much better since he got a vasectomy.
Obviously in a new relationship the protection is of upmost importance.

When I met my partner he had ED. He had been in a bad relationship which was virtually sexless for many years before it ended and the constant rejection had badly attacked his confidence and it became a psychological matter.

Absolutely agree with the PP that said communication is key as well as taking pressure off the situation. Also not falling into the trap about thinking it is anything to do with you; it isn’t. If a man is trying to initiate, believe you me, he wants to have sex with you. Things don’t always behave though regardless of the desire and will.

For me, PIV is part of our lovemaking but not the be all and end all. He is the most amazing lover I have had despite still sometimes having occasional ED. However, for him, being part of a loving understanding relationship with someone who clearly madly wants him has been transformative.

Has he had his blood pressure checked? HBP can cause ED.