ED issues in a new relationship

[TheSnorax]

(Erectile dysfunction rather than eating disorder, to be absolutely clear.)

I’m dating a lovely guy. It’s fairly early days and we recently slept together for the first time. He had trouble maintaining an erection and I’ve never encountered this before. He made very sure that I had a good time - he went down on me and gave me several orgasms - but he lost his erection during PIV sex and during a blow job, and he didn’t come. We talked about it a little later in the night and I got the impression that it has happened before. He didn’t seem worried or upset about it.

Please can anyone offer some constructive advice on how is best to broach the issue, if at all? Please don’t give me the stock MN response of ‘throw this one back’. I’m not going to dump a lovely guy over a psychological or physiological issue which might be out of his control.

Is he on antidepressants, they can cause it. Dh does have issues sometimes, alcohol definitely is an issue and quite frankly he can’t cope with too often (as in not twice in 24 hours) in a long term relationship it’s a non issue, not in middle age.

Does he watch a lot of porn? Could be death grip or just that he is so used to porn that real isn’t enough for him now.

At that age his hormones might be dropping a little bit ,
maybe a GP visit to make sure everything is okay 1st and not on other meds

maybe suggest looking into some of the lower dose over the counter meds if it’s an actual problem that he cannot get or keep an erection

It sounds as though you both had a good time and he seems attentive to your needs, so that’s a great start.

I think it’s too early to worry about it, especially as he doesn’t seem selfish in that department.

The worst thing you can do is keep bringing it up in conversation, it will only exasperate the situation.

It may be first time nerves, it might have been too much alcohol or it may be an ongoing issue which he is well aware of. If it’s the latter then there are solutions out there but only if it’s physiological - if it’s psychological then Viagra and cialis are unlikely to help.

i found daily cialis worked better for me rather than a pre sex dose of Viagra but broach the situation delicately , which I’m sure you will do by the tone of your post.

Has he been to the GP to rule out anything sinister? (Radio 2 actually did a segment on ED today and there are some more sinister things that can cause it)

Does he want to do anything about it? If not, are you happy with that? If so, who is anyone else to judge!

Definitely give him another chance. Can you talk about what makes him orgasm? Some guys do take ages. He may need Viagra?

It's really good he still wanted to sort you out. Hopefully once you get to know eachother better sexually it will happen less or fully stop happening.

Is two orgasms in the night bad sex?

Often under looked cause and ED can be a sign of a serious BP issue. If he hasn't had it checked, a gentle suggestion in a general conversation could be worth having.

Give him another chance but don't stick around too long. This was nice now but over time it will become hard work and it will hurt your self esteem too.

LOL at all the people suggesting you pack him off to the doctor or demand he takes Viagra because he lost his hard-on a bit during one sexual encounter. Overreaction much?

Imagine if you had sex with a man for the first time and for some reason or other you just didn’t get that wet on that one occasion, and he sat you down the band started doing sympathetic head tilts at you and talking about going to the GP or taking medication, or implied you’d ruined your sexual response by masturbating in the wrong way.

OP, if he was otherwise good in bed (which he clearly was?) then I’d just see how things go. If it happens every time then sure, he could see the doctor about it, but for know I’d just give the relationship a chance and see what happens.

Certainly best bit for me, only way I can come. Could do without the rest entirely tbh. Takes all sorts, eh.

Depends how much PIV means to you.

If OP didn’t see an issue she wouldn’t be posting.

40% of men over 40 with ED. So it’s very normal and frankly you’re lucky he’s an enthusiastic carpet muncher.

The only watch out I would say with him is that ED issues can be an early warning sign of heart issues because the capillaries in the peni5 are tiny so tend to get blocked first. he should think about working on heart health - so exercise, massively upping fruit and veg, and cutting down on saturated fats.

if a man can get a decent erection, but looses it quickly- more likely to be in his mind - rather than in the plumbing ( an early indicator of circulation issues, a warning that women don’t get )
A heart/ health checkup would not go amiss

OP here. I posted because I’m working out if it is an issue for me. My last relationship was a twenty-year marriage and I met my ex-H young. I have no experience of midlife dating and whilst I understand ED is common in men over 40 it is completely new to me.

Thanks for all of the thoughts. They are helpful. To reiterate, this is a very new relationship and I have absolutely no idea of his medical history, whether that’s antidepressants or high blood pressure. I’m also not going to chivvy him to the GP - I spent twenty years mothering my last partner and I have no intention of repeating that particular dynamic!

This all the way!!! My partner, peri-menopausal, literally used a whole tube of lube on me before we did PIV. We used a condom and between that and the lack of any kind of friction, I couldn’t really feel much. She came from an abusive long term relationship with a selfish partner and couldn’t fathom how she’d orgasmed so many times yet I got very little from it. I maintained an erection but couldn’t cum. When she’s given me oral, it’s ok, but doesn’t really flick my switch and do struggle to maintain an erection as what she does doesn’t really work for me. During sex, my mind wanders, I’d been single for a number of years after my ex partner ended things by text…. A very healthy and happy relationship but despite having a child together, she had a number of issues and walked…..and even after 3 years, being with somebody else still makes me feel guilty like I’m cheating on my family or something! My new partner and I have discussed thing and can honestly say that despite the less than perfect start, I’ve never had such fulfilling sex in all my life!! I barely need to touch her, just a hug, and she’s wet and I’m like a teenager as that hug normally gets between us if you know what I mean. The chemistry was there, we just needed a little refinement and some time to get used to each other.