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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvited for Xmas - WWYD?

56 replies

BigDogJR · 13/12/2025 14:32

Last year for Xmas DH and I stayed with my DPs in a cottage near family and had Xmas day itself with my DSis and her family and then seeing various relatives in the days afterward. My Dbro said this year it was his turn to see my DPs so we said ok we’ll book a place again. We talked about where we’d stay and said the dates would be the same as last year. This was in October, then this week he’s said he’ll be having Xmas day just with his DP and their DC. Our DPs said hang on I thought we were coming to you? And he said we’d misunderstood and we’d see him on another day. The thing is we’ve passed the cancellation date to get a refund on the cottage for those dates. If we’d known at the time we would have had DPs to my house for Xmas day and travelled on the 26th. None of us really want to cook a full Xmas dinner in a rental kitchen when you need so many pans and bits and bobs (1st world problem I know). Would you be annoyed? He has form for being a bit flaky so I don’t know if that’s clouding my judgment. But it’s the first time he’s turned it on other people, saying we made a mistake. My DM remembers discussing the Turkey with him as DPs were going to pay for it. So we will have DPs to mine for Xmas day. But I’m a bit tempted to not see him over Xmas which is really petty I know. How would you respond?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 14/12/2025 07:38

“I am wondering now if my parents presumed DH and I were invited as we’ll drive them up.“

So you not speak to your DB? If I’d been invited by a sibling, there would be much communication, not least about what they would like me to bring to be helpful but not overlap. Which family members live near the house you have rented? Are your DPs coming with you to the cottage? Where is your DSis in all this? If your DPs are no longer spending Christmas with your DB, are you in a position to host them at your house, or go to theirs? Would that be easier than trying to do it all in a rental cottage? Could you sublet tye rental cottage at a bargain price to defray some of the expense?
There’s no point staying in the rental cottage, even if you’ve paid for it, if it’s going to be difficult and disruptive. Yes, if I were you, I’d be fuming with your DB, but I think there has been a bit of a breakdown in communication somewhere. Even if your DB didn’t actually invite you, and you assumed an invitation, it’s pretty mean of him to bale on your DPs at such short notice.

Isadora2007 · 14/12/2025 07:43

Instead of losing out the cottege money could you book a meal local to it and your brother for Xmas day?

Owly11 · 14/12/2025 07:43

Even with your update this is a bit difficult to follow. Are you saying that the cottage is for you and your parents but your brother is no longer hosting lunch itself so you now need to do xmas lunch in the cottage with your parents? I think the first thing is to never make arrangements that depend on your brother again - he has proved himself to be too flaky. I would go to the cottage still but do a simplified xmas lunch. You can still have fun.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 14/12/2025 07:50

Go to the cottage, take a couple of roasting tin, some games, music, books, dinner is just a roast.

raid M&S party food aisle and order from Cook, www.cookfood.net/menu/christmas/christmas-day/christmas-lunch-bundles

Luxio · 14/12/2025 07:53

I agree your post is pretty confusing. It sounds like you and your parents are booked to stay in the cottage and you've invited yourself and your DP to your brother's house without him actually extending an invite. He doesn't sound flaky he sounds like he's frustrated that you and your parents have decided to come as a package and he doesn't want to host everyone when he originally just invited your parents.

I think you need to have a conversation with him. It doesn't sound like you've actually spoken and if he maintains they are now not hosting everyone, can't say I'd blame him, then do Christmas dinner in the rental.

bleakmidwintering · 14/12/2025 07:54

Get some Cook meals for the cottage. It doesn’t need to be all cooked from starter. Just adjust!

BDenergy · 14/12/2025 07:58

Your brother is clearly being a dick. Has something happened that has made him change his mind?

The OP is a bit confusing because there’s partner and parents and using DP for both. Just use partner and parents!

BDenergy · 14/12/2025 07:59

It could also be true that he wanted to see his parents for Xmas day and suddenly it’s now you and your husband and that wasn’t the plan. Why assume you were included in the invite because your parents were?

Namechangedasouting987 · 14/12/2025 08:00

I think, like PP, that you and your DH were not actually invited. Then your DB found out its a package deal, and for some reason can't accomodate 2 extra for xmas day (which is a bit pathetic, but i guess his call).
Similarly it is a bit pathetic that between you, you cant rustle up a xmas dinner for 4 in a cottage. It isnt that hard!
Miscommunication all round.

oviraptor21 · 14/12/2025 08:00

It's a popular time of year. You may be able to cancel the booking if it can be relet.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/12/2025 08:06

Go to the cottage, get some m&s ready Xmas meals to stick in the oven. Have a lovely Christmas.

Monty27 · 14/12/2025 08:07

You made an assumption db would be hosting Christmas day but he isn't. Best you get cracking and get a table booked. What's dsis doing. When do you host?

Sandyoldshoes · 14/12/2025 08:13

What kind of person invites their parents and not their siblings (unless they are estranged) especially if they know the siblings will be driving. The money for the cottage has gone anyway - although worth speaking to the owners. Stay at home if you’d prefer, probably cheaper and nicer!

Luxio · 14/12/2025 08:16

Sandyoldshoes · 14/12/2025 08:13

What kind of person invites their parents and not their siblings (unless they are estranged) especially if they know the siblings will be driving. The money for the cottage has gone anyway - although worth speaking to the owners. Stay at home if you’d prefer, probably cheaper and nicer!

Lots of people? Including the OPs sister last year. There's nothing weird about inviting your parents and not your siblings and their families. Not everyone has huge houses able to accommodate the whole family.

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 08:17

Sandyoldshoes · 14/12/2025 08:13

What kind of person invites their parents and not their siblings (unless they are estranged) especially if they know the siblings will be driving. The money for the cottage has gone anyway - although worth speaking to the owners. Stay at home if you’d prefer, probably cheaper and nicer!

We have squat all idea re the sibling relationship in this scenario

tripleginandtonic · 14/12/2025 08:18

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 13/12/2025 15:09

I'd either a) cancel the rental completely and invoice him for the lost fee or b) stay at home on the 25th then travel up to the rental with DH and parents on Boxing Day.

But it sounds as though your DB isn't fussed about seeing any of you, so option a) might be your best bet.

It doesn't sound like he ever agreed to the rental so he shouldn't have to pay.

Sandyoldshoes · 14/12/2025 08:20

I think it is very rude of the brother to expect the op to drive the parents and then not stay for lunch.

Ilovelurchers · 14/12/2025 08:24

tinyspiny · 13/12/2025 14:55

I do wish people would stop using the stupid ‘dp’ shortenings as in this case it’s being used for parent and partner as far as I can tell which is why the post reads so poorly . As for the issue , it doesn’t read like you were ever invited @BigDogJR , he only wanted your parents and you have scuppered that by adding yourself in probably . Just go to the cottage and eat out on Christmas Day or eat something that you can cook easily in the kitchen .

Why express this so rudely? She is a human being, you know, not just words on a screen. (Well I assume she is).

While I agree the acronyms can be confusing, there are politer ways to put it! And personally I found her post straightforward to comprehend.

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 08:27

Ilovelurchers · 14/12/2025 08:24

Why express this so rudely? She is a human being, you know, not just words on a screen. (Well I assume she is).

While I agree the acronyms can be confusing, there are politer ways to put it! And personally I found her post straightforward to comprehend.

Show quote history

This poster isn’t calling the op stupid

Ilovelurchers · 14/12/2025 08:28

As for your brother, OP, it's pretty annoying and rude, but I wouldn't fall out with him over it - it's not worth that.

Maybe he thought the turkey chatz etc, was speculative, not a solid arrangement? It's pretty easy for families to get their wires crossed in this way.

Regarding the holiday cottage, is it in an area you enjoy, and is it a lovely cottage. I'd base my decision on that. The money is gone now, so no point worrying about it. I know what you mean about preferring to cook in a familiar kitchen!

(You might be able to shift the booking to a different date - unlikely but worth an ask...... )

snugasabug75 · 14/12/2025 08:31

I can read it perfectly.

OP do you think maybe you are not invited, and that's why he's now said it's the wrong day?

TheRealMagic · 14/12/2025 08:35

Sandyoldshoes · 14/12/2025 08:20

I think it is very rude of the brother to expect the op to drive the parents and then not stay for lunch.

Was he expecting that though? It doesn't sound like plans were ever clear enough to know.

Luxio · 14/12/2025 08:36

TheRealMagic · 14/12/2025 08:35

Was he expecting that though? It doesn't sound like plans were ever clear enough to know.

Show quote history

Exactly. If doesn't sound like he was expecting them to be driven. I'm sure they are quite capable of getting themselves to his house for Christmas day.

TheRealMagic · 14/12/2025 08:39

Luxio · 14/12/2025 08:36

Exactly. If doesn't sound like he was expecting them to be driven. I'm sure they are quite capable of getting themselves to his house for Christmas day.

Show quote history

Or maybe they aren't, but he would have gone to get them. There just doesn't seem to have been any discussion of logistics beyond some vague chat about a turkey.

cocog · 14/12/2025 08:45

Book a restaurant near the accommodation and go out for Christmas lunch. Make it a great time away (I would probably not visit him because of all that but I’m petty!)