Did I do anything wrong in this scenario?

[sbmy73]

Hi, just recounting on a recent dating encounter. And just trying to remind myself of the best way to deal with these types of situations going forward. Quickly, I went on a date with someone a few weeks ago, me and the guy I went on this date with; we went to law school together. And kind of rekindled prior to the date and he asked me out originally...saying that he wished we talked more in school and wanted to get to know me more.

I enjoyed our date, it was nice and fun. After our date, we ended up having sex. I originally told him that I was not interested in having sex and would just prefer to make out for the evening, but in a sense he kinda of pushed past that saying he liked me and other indicators.

I didn’t hear from him at all afterwards (tried to engage a bit through text but he wasn’t really responsive anymore) and it brought up some anxious feelings for me that I’ve experienced before like feeling a bit discarded, undervalued, feeling like a toy for someone’s pleasure, and feeling like i don't know how to read signs etc.

Anyways, before thanksgiving I reached out asking if he’d like to get drinks after the holidays and he said “I’m not sure tbh, let’s play it by ear.” and basically that I just told him to lmk if he had a free window after the holidays. (all he did was like my message). That was about three weeks ago since I suggested this, but last week I bumped into him at a bar on a date (i was already at the bar with a friend for a bit before he came in) and he waved at me and the friend I was with (which is fine and we went on one date, I wouldn't expect him not to be seeing other people), but I still didn’t hear anything from him afterwards (he was just watching my Instagram stories, but no actual communication). So I naturally (or maybe wrongfully) assume he was not interested anymore).

Earlier this week, I reached out to him because the situation was just bothering me and I’m trying to work on expressing myself If I feel a little disappointed about something. This might not necessarily be something to be disappointed about, but I also didn’t want to come across as if I was begging for him to want to go out with me. just would’ve appreciated some more clarity about things when I first asked him if he wanted to hang out again.
but alas, This was our small text exchange :

Me: Hili, just reaching out because this has been on my mind. Given the context of seeing you out and using an excuse of "let's play it by ear" instead of saying you weren't interested in going out again is not something that I appreciate. That ambiguity is inconsiderate, especially given the intimacy of our date. I appreciate honesty and wish you would've told me if something changed for you.

Him: Hey, we went on A DATE and we are not exclusive. I can go on other dates. I meant what I said about playing it by ear. But tbh now I would say I'm def not interested, because this is too much for someone to be doing after a first date. See you around.

Me: This feels like a misunderstanding. I was referring to transparency, not exclusivity. My message wasn't about controlling who you date, just hoped there had been clearer communication given the context of me reaching out before the holidays. That is all. We didn't speak much after our date, and when I asked about getting drinks and didn't hear back, it felt open-ended on my end. I wasn't sure what you meant with the 'play it by ear' statement anymore since there was no follow-up/if you were even interested in going out again. I hope that makes sense and didn't mean for that to come across differently.

After reflecting on this, I just want to know, did I say anything wrong? Should I have approached this situation differently? Should I just have flat out asked if he’d given more thought to my suggestion before Thanksgiving? Or maybe not have said anything at all? I’m not sure, my anxious brain on one hand is glad I expressed myself but on the other hand, maybe I was just making a big deal out of nothing? (I have some friends that are 50/50 on the situation with some saying yes, it's good that you said something and others saying, well no I should've just taken a hint and taken the situation on the chin) I’m not sure anymore.

The only thing you did wrong was reaching out to him several times after he made it clear he didn't want to see you again. I know it's infuriating when people do that after sex but in those situations no response IS a response and it's always better to keep your dignity and just stay quiet. At least now you know. But your last message to him isn't what made him not want to see you again, he had already made that decision after the date, sadly.

I think, unfortunately, he's not interested in a relationship with you.

If you did anything wrong it was to chase him too much and, dare I say this, maybe don't have sex on a first date unless YOU want to.

Someone far better will be interested in you in the future.

Well you still chose to have sex, I would be so put off by how pushy you come across as not my thing

I agree with above. Decision was already made not to see you again but he’s saying that it’s due to your message, maybe to make you feel worse.
Unfortunately some people will see you as a sex object and once they’ve had sex with you, you're discarded.
Best to move on and be glad you’re not at risk of being in a relationship with him as you deserve better.

In the circumstances, your best response would have been no response.

I know it’s old fashioned but this is why women should Never Chase men.
And definitely never have sex in the first date …
Read the ‘the rules’ corny but true.
You may like the film ‘He’s just not in to you’.

I agree with PP upthread. Your messages to him probably came across as just too heavy and pushy. Men are rarely into self analysis and deep expressed feelings. So when you have a date and dont hear accept he is not interested in progressing things and dont sweat the small stuff - as the saying goes.

Yeah, I think you should have left it and not pushed for more contact than he was comfortable with.

I mean you didn't go on a date, you were used. Sorry but let's say it like it is because yes it's harsh to hear but maybe it'll help you not to make the same mistake again.

This pig, pushed past your boundaries to sleep with you. And, probably not out of you still being interested, but actually because you wanted to convince yourself you weren't used - you contacted him to see if he'd want to hang out again.

The reason you are hurting he didn't get back to you is because it means confronting the fact that he took advantage. That's why you got confrontational with him when he semi gave you the brush off and then, didn't follow up.

Now hear this - The shame is not yours. He was a crappy person who treated you badly and you absolutely don't deserve it.

But in future, instead of chasing after bad men who have treated you badly Recognise that their shitty behaviour is not your fault. And that we should never look to the source of our pain to cure it. Forgive yourself and block his number.

I don't actually agree with those saying you shouldn't have messaged him. You wanted to and that's totally fine. Sadly it was obvious (as an observer) that he was not going to be interested in the end, but of course you should feel able to say what you are thinking when he's essentially hurt your feelings. I don't think.you were pushy in wanting clarification. I think he was rude in his lack of communication after sleeping with you. It would be different if it was one causal coffee date with a guy you met online and nothing else, but you already knew him AND you slept together. I say keep being honest (politely, as you were) and yourself until you find someone who is equally communicative and non-game-playing.

He's not interested, stop communicating with him and find someone who values you.

Most of us have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince....some of us never find a real prince.

He told you all you needed to know with his actions. If they’re interested in seeing more of you, you can’t keep them away. He sent you a very clear message with his silence and non-committal attitude and unfortunately, asking for transparency, and accountability doesn’t tend to go well in these situations. Move on. You know better what to do the next time this happens with a guy. And rest assured that the right person for you won’t treat you like this.

Sorry but he didn't leave any impression that he wanted to see you again after that 1st date. You said you tried to engage a few times, what did this consist of?

Really should have took the hint. If someone is not responding in the same enthusiastic way as you after a 1st date, then they are not wanting anything serious to come of it. Your later message around thanksgiving just opened a door to be a back up plan. See it by ear was never ever going to mean there is a chance for something meaningful here. Basically if he had nothing better going on then happy to keep you as an option in the hopes of a repeat of last time. The messages afterwards should never have happened. He had give hint after hint you are not what he is looking for, he give nothing at all to suggest otherwise, but you acted like as you had had sex that he owes you something.

Just look at your boundaries in the future. I always think if I am at the stage of whether or not to have sex with someone 'if I never see them again, will I regret it'. Even after 5, 10 dates it is never guaranteed so always have this in your mind.

I feel for you getting caught up in the romance on that 1st date, feeling it is something more. But please do not message this man again. Never continue to message a man that does not show they are keen and happy about the chance of meeting up again. He give you a 'maybe if nothing better comes up' basically, there was no answer he needed to give beyond this to clarify it was obvious. He left the door open as that is what some women accept and wouldnt think any more will come of it. You ain't that type of woman and he sounds shit, leave him get on with it.

You have your answers now OP. So now please just delete his number and move on.

For going forward. If someone is interested in you, you will know it. If they act like they don't really care, chances are that they don't unfortunately.

Dating is difficult these days. Don't sleep with a date on the first meet up. Unless you are just looking for FWB situation. As a lot of the time, emotions get thrown into the mix and then this situation is the result.

This guy is a user and maybe worse.

He pushed past you not wanting sex and other indicators, could you explain?

I am so sorry you had this experience.

The other posters putting this on the OP, really have we sunk so far?

You slept with a man who actually knew beforehand on a date and he treated you badly. Why not call him out? He’s used to cool women maybe who he shags, expect little and demand less.
You do not need to be one of them.
Hold your head up high for calling out a selfish player.

The moral of this story is don't sleep with a guy on the first date and expect to see him again.

If a man doesn’t get in touch with you after sex, he was only after one thing.

His deflection in response to your text was pretty predictable, in that he obviously isn’t one to take ownership of his actions. Don’t take it personally.

He is a complete asshole. Block him. Take your power back by blocking him.
he pushed past your “no” and then ghosted you- and his answer to you is snide and rude.
he’s a creep.

im sorry, op, but also, you dodged a bullet- spending any more energy on an immature creep like this is a big waste of your energy.

I would not make a habit of expressing your disappointment or explaining your feelings to random people. Especially random men.

Imo, it’s much better to do the work on yourself, you can’t change other people and how they are going to treat you but you can control how you respond. Opening up to strangers to that degree is off putting and puts you in an emotionally vulnerable position.

I ….. originally told him that I was not interested in having sex and would just prefer to make out for the evening, but in a sense he kinda of pushed past that saying he liked me and other indicators.

He was never looking for a relationship OP. You have to put it all down to experience, learn from it and move on.

Giving in to pressured sex is never a good idea. You had clearly told him that you were not interested in sleeping with him and he should have respected that. When he over-rode your feelings and still persisted with the flattery you should have recognised that he was just wanting sex and nothing else, but you caved very easily when he said he liked you.
A lot of men will say anything to please you if they think there’s a chance of using you for sex, and then, as horrible as it is, expect you to realise that it was just a one night fling with no further follow up. The onus is on you to read the flattery and other indicators correctly with that in mind. Also to read the lack of follow up.

He used you and treated you badly by not respecting your wishes, and his response to your message made you feel even worse.

Let it go now and don’t feel bad about it.
Be better prepared to resist flattery next time, until you meet someone whose integrity you are sure matches your own.

OP, this is great advice and well expressed. Read it over and over…let it sink in and never think his shitty behaviours was actually anything to do with you. 🌹

I agree with the above PPs. Don’t have sex on a first date. That’s more likely to put him off seeing you again while getting the woman (you) more emotionally invested.

While I can understand you’re upset, you’ve chased this far more than you should have. The indicators have been there from the start that he’s not interested in you.

He is a total add expletive here. How dare he be so inconsiderate of your feelings and brush you off like that after so recently sleeping together. I don’t think you did anything wrong, however i probably wouldn’t have messaged at all, and read the signs that he wasn’t interested.
I’d try to forget this encounter and move on.

There are many reasons why men lose interest after sex on a first date (or even a few dates). One is that they don’t value women who do that. Even when they have coerced the women into having sex with them. It’s hypocritical and cruel and what makes it worse is you will only find out a man is like that when it’s too late.

I don’t date now but I learned the hard way that it was unwise for me to put myself in a setting with a new guy where sex could occur. Unless I was sure I would be happy for sex to happen I didn’t want things to get hot and heavy.

That’s not to say women should expect to be coerced or that women shouldn’t have sex on first dates if that’s what they want. And they should be able to do that without being criticised. But I think to be able to do that without being upset if they are dropped afterwards it takes, if not a thick skin, certainly low expectations.

thank you for this!