Hi, just recounting on a recent dating encounter. And just trying to remind myself of the best way to deal with these types of situations going forward. Quickly, I went on a date with someone a few weeks ago, me and the guy I went on this date with; we went to law school together. And kind of rekindled prior to the date and he asked me out originally...saying that he wished we talked more in school and wanted to get to know me more.
I enjoyed our date, it was nice and fun. After our date, we ended up having sex. I originally told him that I was not interested in having sex and would just prefer to make out for the evening, but in a sense he kinda of pushed past that saying he liked me and other indicators.
I didn’t hear from him at all afterwards (tried to engage a bit through text but he wasn’t really responsive anymore) and it brought up some anxious feelings for me that I’ve experienced before like feeling a bit discarded, undervalued, feeling like a toy for someone’s pleasure, and feeling like i don't know how to read signs etc.
Anyways, before thanksgiving I reached out asking if he’d like to get drinks after the holidays and he said “I’m not sure tbh, let’s play it by ear.” and basically that I just told him to lmk if he had a free window after the holidays. (all he did was like my message). That was about three weeks ago since I suggested this, but last week I bumped into him at a bar on a date (i was already at the bar with a friend for a bit before he came in) and he waved at me and the friend I was with (which is fine and we went on one date, I wouldn't expect him not to be seeing other people), but I still didn’t hear anything from him afterwards (he was just watching my Instagram stories, but no actual communication). So I naturally (or maybe wrongfully) assume he was not interested anymore).
Earlier this week, I reached out to him because the situation was just bothering me and I’m trying to work on expressing myself If I feel a little disappointed about something. This might not necessarily be something to be disappointed about, but I also didn’t want to come across as if I was begging for him to want to go out with me. just would’ve appreciated some more clarity about things when I first asked him if he wanted to hang out again.
but alas, This was our small text exchange :
Me: Hili, just reaching out because this has been on my mind. Given the context of seeing you out and using an excuse of "let's play it by ear" instead of saying you weren't interested in going out again is not something that I appreciate. That ambiguity is inconsiderate, especially given the intimacy of our date. I appreciate honesty and wish you would've told me if something changed for you.
Him: Hey, we went on A DATE and we are not exclusive. I can go on other dates. I meant what I said about playing it by ear. But tbh now I would say I'm def not interested, because this is too much for someone to be doing after a first date. See you around.
Me: This feels like a misunderstanding. I was referring to transparency, not exclusivity. My message wasn't about controlling who you date, just hoped there had been clearer communication given the context of me reaching out before the holidays. That is all. We didn't speak much after our date, and when I asked about getting drinks and didn't hear back, it felt open-ended on my end. I wasn't sure what you meant with the 'play it by ear' statement anymore since there was no follow-up/if you were even interested in going out again. I hope that makes sense and didn't mean for that to come across differently.
After reflecting on this, I just want to know, did I say anything wrong? Should I have approached this situation differently? Should I just have flat out asked if he’d given more thought to my suggestion before Thanksgiving? Or maybe not have said anything at all? I’m not sure, my anxious brain on one hand is glad I expressed myself but on the other hand, maybe I was just making a big deal out of nothing? (I have some friends that are 50/50 on the situation with some saying yes, it's good that you said something and others saying, well no I should've just taken a hint and taken the situation on the chin) I’m not sure anymore.