Parents have abandoned me emotionally

[Yellowheart79]

I’m 34 with my own children now. My dad was an alcoholic and I grew up in a dysfunctional family situation. My mum chucked him out when I was 4 and he never came back into our lives until the end of my primary school life when he had got sober. My parents never talk about this period and call it “ancient history” and “what is there to know?”

My mum is a classic narcissist. So self absorbed and I don’t think she has ever actually known the person I am or the heart I have or what my likes and dislikes are.

I’ve had 2 children in the last 3.5 years and it has thrown up a lot of trauma for me. I used to pull my eyelashes out as a 4-year-old (self harm). No-one noticed. I was effectively a bedroom kid my whole childhood and into my teen years. I was never taken swimming or taught to swim… I was never taken to any extracurricular activities. Nothing. My parents both worked as full-time secondary school teachers so I don’t think money was tight!

I am really struggling with my relationship with them because now I’ve had my own children - I just can’t forgive them for ignoring me my whole life effectively and allowing me to fester upstairs whilst they watch TV (this was honestly my entire childhood). They were also hoarders and the house has never been cleaned or dusted in almost 20 years.

I was so ill in pregnancy with HG and hospitalised for fluids 3 times. They were nowhere. They stormed out of a childcare arrangement we had which allowed me to go back to work 2 days per week. My mum constantly storms out when I try to raise previous hurts or issues. She just says “this is terrible, I’m an old lady” and tells me I need my head checked. Major gaslighting and deflection and zero accountability.

I am really struggling. I feel so sad that I didn’t and don’t have a nurturing family. I adore my boys and just could never hurt them this way. They’re the centre of my world. What should I do moving forward?

You can’t change people.
I think you should focus on your boys and give them the childhood you missed.

Time and distance is what helps me but I still have regular bad dreams of feeling unwanted by my mum. My dad has tried his best so I keep minimal contact for his sake.

I don’t know what else to suggest but you aren’t alone in how you feel.

If they were really that bad why would you leave your child with them 2 days a week? Need to ask yourself that one.

No you’re right. Unfortunately we had no choice as we live in a small town and all the childminders were completely full. The arrangement did end anyway because it was destroying us as a family.

Seek out private therapy, well worth the investment. Look for a psychotherapist, usually about £70 per week but so helpful. Sorry to hear you went through that, sounds like you are turning the abuse cycle around x

Therapy.

This is a hard read, @Yellowheart79 . Your pain is palpable. Have you done any therapy? If not, please think about it. I don't know if they abandoned you - it sounds like they were never there for you at all. Your children should never be in their neglectful care and there are always options for childcare. I guess you had hopes of repair - that they would show up for your children, but instead they were equally rubbish.

Firstly 🫂 and 💐.
Agree your pain is palpable.and still very raw / unprocessed.

I am kind of surprised you are still on touch and the end of your post really jumped out at me.

I am slightly shocked you would even have considered leaving your own children with them and I think it points to how much "work" there is to do.

My DHs parents weren't that dissimilar. He went to a private school because it made them look good... but that was the extent of it. What "saved him" was his grandparents basically raised him.
We agreed prekids his parents would never have unsupervised contact and we see them minimally.
Children reopened / opened several wounds for him which is VERY common apparently.

Do you have a partner?
have you had or can you get some therapy?
Can you kobe away from this small town?
Do you drive?

I would def put much more distance into the relationship and start detaching

Wht are never going to be there for ypu because they were never there for if that makes sense
Its hard because its all about them (and their failings) but 99% of children cpme to the conclusion its a deficiency in themselves. It is not.

You only mention your mum here, and she’s not the one who was an alcoholic. What is your relationship like with your dad, how does he react when you say the same to him?

Distance yourself from the and go low contact at lest. I would think it's a very bad idea for them to look after your children as they couldn't look after you properly.

My IL'S are like this we have little contact with them and my children don't really have a relationship with them. I wouldn't say they neglected DH but they definitely where not there emotionally, he luckily had a grandmother who looked after him while his parents worked.

You become conditioned - it's your normal. It's incredibly hard to extricate yourself from an abusive family.

OP, I had the same epiphany with my parents. Indeed a kind grandparent gave me advice to keep away from them when I got older but it only happened when my DC was 7. There was a storming out by them and I just let them go.

Let them go.

Stop expecting anything of them for a start as that's why you are still getting hurt and disappointed. Maybe physically say to yourself or journal that you are no longer seeking anything from them as you won't get it. Just take them as they are if you want to remain in each other's lives. Small talk, small favours
You need to sort your head out before the topic of caring in old age comes up and think about what you're willing and not willing to do. So you don't get emotionally manipulated. Do they help if you ask plainly and simply with what you need i.e money or babysitting ? If so then just use them that way practically

They're harmful and not safe for you emotionally. You wont ever get what you craved as a child from them
Read books on adult children of emotionally immature parents, family dynamics and emotional neglect. Therapy if you can afford it
You have to change your own expectations and how you interact with them as they won't change

I had a lot of therapy to resolve my abusive childhood. Alcoholic father/NPD mother. In short, I nurture the little girl who was hated and abused. I have grieved for the loss of a loving mother I never had.

My dad (dead now) did love me, but he loved alcohol more and was a useless rather than wilfully abusive parent.

To fully heal I had to go completely NC. Best thing I ever did for myself and she can never hurt me again.

Yes this was basically what my dh had

Hes had about 5 yrs therapy and its.really really helped him.

Just to add that emotional neglect IS abuse and is extremely damaging to children.

Just be the parent you wish they were. You can't change people or the past, only yourself and how you deal with the people in your life. Remember your own dc won't think you're perfect either.

I would consider therapy and also going low contact with your parents. I would certainly not leave your children with them.

Do you have a partner that is supportive?

Try to focus all your energy on your own family going forward.

This sounds similar to me. I felt exactly the same when my children were young. I thought my mum was a narcissist too, was almost certain of it - then I worked out we are neurodivergent. I am, my children are and my mum and potentially my father is too.
The eyelash picking, hoarding, alcoholism all sound like there could be something similar going on too.

going back to the gaslighting, my mum was exactly the same. They both used to storm out on me. Also I didn’t do anything but fester in my room as a kid. My mum even admits that she only called a doctor when I was seriously ill in my room for about a month, because her friend came over and saw me and insisted. She said she just hadn’t realised.

I can finally forgive them now I understand our family dynamics and things have improved greatly.

I might be worth considering

I have had a similar experience. You won’t change them.

Seek therapy and foster good friends for the connection.

It did mean that my relationship with my own child is warm and loving and now I’m older that continues.

im not sure asking not to be emotionally neglected and your dad not be an alcoholic counts as wanting your parents to be perfect.

You can’t change them or the past. You can only do what matters now. Learn to swim, love your kids, care for yourself, change your future.

I agree @TorroFerney

I could have writte your post at around the same age as you, and with children. Sending 💐 to everyone who has (or is) experiencing the same.

It never goes away, that feeling of abandonment, but it does get more manageable most days with therapy, support and some good friends. Don't leave it too long to find a therapist - you owe it to yourself and your DC. Also consider NC for a bit, while you work through the emptiness your parents short comings have left you with. It is not your fault. It was never your responsibility to sort it. You cannot make things better for them so go an enjoy your life and live it to the full.

We agreed prekids his parents would never have unsupervised contact and we see them minimally.
Children reopened / opened several wounds for him which is VERY common apparently.

^^ This was my decision / experience too. I rebuilt a new relationship with recovering alcoholic DF which was a blessing I hadn't expected, but relationship with M and all that entailed never recovered or stood a chance of becoming something different as she never saw there were any issues.

Much 💐 to everyone on here.

I'm older than you and it's funny how what was just 'how things are' suddenly goes out of the window when DPs die. It was a huge weight off me when my DF, alcoholic for most of his life, died, all that shame and anger (from me) gone.
When DM died the support for useless siblings was suddenly no longer required.

Your DPs haven't died but it would be good if you could get them out of your life. Counselling mainly. Do you have a partner, if you can put off going back to work for a few month and spend the time having counselling and getting yourself well and fit and giving lots of love to your DCs and go from there. DPs don't deserve an explanation or anything from you. Just look after yourself. And don't think DCs need grandparents around - my DCs' weren't and they are just fine.

Thanks @Lastknownaddress same to you. It's a truly bizarre experience to have but breaking the cycle is so important.