Parents have abandoned me emotionally

[Yellowheart79]

I’m 34 with my own children now. My dad was an alcoholic and I grew up in a dysfunctional family situation. My mum chucked him out when I was 4 and he never came back into our lives until the end of my primary school life when he had got sober. My parents never talk about this period and call it “ancient history” and “what is there to know?”

My mum is a classic narcissist. So self absorbed and I don’t think she has ever actually known the person I am or the heart I have or what my likes and dislikes are.

I’ve had 2 children in the last 3.5 years and it has thrown up a lot of trauma for me. I used to pull my eyelashes out as a 4-year-old (self harm). No-one noticed. I was effectively a bedroom kid my whole childhood and into my teen years. I was never taken swimming or taught to swim… I was never taken to any extracurricular activities. Nothing. My parents both worked as full-time secondary school teachers so I don’t think money was tight!

I am really struggling with my relationship with them because now I’ve had my own children - I just can’t forgive them for ignoring me my whole life effectively and allowing me to fester upstairs whilst they watch TV (this was honestly my entire childhood). They were also hoarders and the house has never been cleaned or dusted in almost 20 years.

I was so ill in pregnancy with HG and hospitalised for fluids 3 times. They were nowhere. They stormed out of a childcare arrangement we had which allowed me to go back to work 2 days per week. My mum constantly storms out when I try to raise previous hurts or issues. She just says “this is terrible, I’m an old lady” and tells me I need my head checked. Major gaslighting and deflection and zero accountability.

I am really struggling. I feel so sad that I didn’t and don’t have a nurturing family. I adore my boys and just could never hurt them this way. They’re the centre of my world. What should I do moving forward?

You didn’t have the best childhood but your mum is not going to acknowledge it.

I get that you want to discuss it with her but she is not going to listen.

So you can either go LC/NC and tell her why.
Or you don’t mention it and focus on the present.

Things like swimming lessons are irrelevant as most kids even nowadays don’t have them.

But it sounds like you were an only child and they were emotionally distant which is very hard.

We just have to learn from our parents mistakes and break the cycle.

I am amazed that women encourage their husbands/ partners to go no contact with his parents but no matter how bad their relationship with their own parents, they still allow them to look after their own children. I taught a girl who had physically abusive parents. She went into care for a while. Her parents were very volatile and scary. I met her a while ago and she is happily settled with a little girl. Her mother looks after her little girl a lot. I never mentioned her previous problems but she was defensive. She said, ‘it’s what I know’.
There was that awful recent case of the grandparents killing their grandson whilst disciplining him to ‘break him’. All done with the knowledge of their daughter. The cycle of abuse is so common.
OP, if you seriously think your parents damaged you and they won’t acknowledge the harm they did you, do not let them see your children alone. I bet if your husband had abusive parents, you would never let them near your boys. You need to break the cycle of abuse and be honest with yourself about the harm your mother has done and the harm she might do to your children.

I agree with this 👆

Don't expect them to give you any healing from your childhood, they aren't capable. You're hurting yourself more every time you try. Therapy is the key.

They’re never going to change and they’re always going to disappoint you. What are your in laws like? Can you invest more in them?

There is definitely a type of narcissistic teacher who is adored by all the children in their class and less interested in their own children. Community narcissist I think is the term.

You have to grieve for what you never had. I know it’s a cliché on here but this is such a major loss that in my opinion you need to find a therapist to help you do that. At every stage of your life, and of your children’s lives, you will be reminded of what your parents were not able to give you and that’s the key: they cannot give you what it is not in them to give. Somehow you have to come to terms with that and find other ways to make up for it.

Also, reading on here about peoples relationships with their parents and with their children will be a reminder. This is a really fundamental matter to come to terms with and I do think you need professional help.

Therapy and if you can't afford it, look at the many resources online about being the dc of a narc parent. Youtube, podcasts on Spotify. There are also some books.

I'm the same. DM with NPD, DF alcoholic, now dead. Essentially you begin to recognise she won't change and learn to self validate. And grieve the dm you didn't have.

It is so sad that you ever expected anything else from this pair of failed parents. Always have been. Always will.

you can keep your own children from having anything to do with people like this Op. I certainly wouldn’t t consider no matter how desperate I was - leaving my children alone with either of them. Ever

Unfortunately being a self absorbed arsehole doesn’t prevent you from having kids so some of us end up with parents that simply aren’t bothered with their kids.
A similar thing happened when I had my own children. I always thought that I’d understand my parents more when I had kids but it was completely the opposite.
As others have suggested therapy helps and seeing your own children thrive and feel loved. Also recognising and taking care of your own needs. This is something I struggle with as it’s just doesn’t come naturally to me but when I make the effort I do feel better.
It’s crap but you can’t change how they are

A lot in your post reminds me of my own childhood. You can’t change them and you will drive yourself round the twist trying. Find a good therapist and focus on you and your family. It’ll never go away but you can make peace with it.

I could have written this almost word for word. I had my boys in the last ten years and have been shocked to the core. I’ve been going to therapy for the last year, and for someone who was regarded strong and independent all my life, particularly by my parents as that just camouflaged how much they used me to serve their needs, that I was been utterly conditioned. When I had my boys it took me a long time to get my head around this, I think it broke my heart, which has/is taking a long time to mend. And of course yes they’re old now and even less bothered. I was the parentified child, my sister was the bedroom child. Her heart broken too. Do go to therapy if you can, you must really. I’m sorry it’s shit xxx

Wow this is tough. I feel like I can relate so here’s my advice - you have to have the conversations if you can, and if you can’t or don’t like the answers minimise contact or cut them off - but know this was never your fault.
as my own children got older it highlighted my mums failures. As I got to know myself and broke the cycle the feelings of abandonment resurfaced. It came to a head and I cut my mum off 2 years ago. This lasted 6 months or so and I relented to ease family tension - but in that time my mum worked on herself and I gave her strict boundaries for being in my life and how I wanted our relationship to look moving forward.
so far so good, and if she says something I don’t like I call her out. It’s very empowering.
and therapy - my therapist reinforced that I had had a terrible childhood and that empowered me to know it’s wasn’t all in my head.
I now talk to my sibling about it and we are all a much more open and honest family. But if that wasn’t the case I would definitely cut them all off - I still would if I felt like they were minimising me again.

that was very rambling, but I felt like your post unleashed something in me and I couldn’t not comment.
you’re not that little girl any more, you are enough, you’re not too much and if they don’t recognise that then that’s on them, not you. ❤️

Understand that they will never admit to, or acknowledge their role in damaging you. You could waste years convincing yourself that you would be healed if only they would admit to their role in the past. It won’t happen, because they don’t see the problem, and even if they did they’ll never admit to it.
The only thing to do is distance yourself from them. Remain civil with them if you want to, but distance yourself. Understand that they won’t change their behaviour in the way you desperately wish they would. The only way to get past it is to change your mindset, because you’ll not change theirs. It’s tough, but honestly, that’s the only way to move on. Stop looking to them for acknowledgment and approval, try to make them an irrelevance in your life.
Be strong and good luck.

You will not get acknowledgment or a genuine apology out of them. I had therapy and went NC.

For a lot of people having our own children triggers a lot of strong feelings and memories of our own childhood. I was fine for years until I had my first. It resulted in me being absolutely horrified by my parents. I hadn’t really realised until I looked at my own and thought “how the fuck could you do that”.

Sending you some massive hugs, OP. 🫂

Like others have said, you absolutely need therapy. A safe space where you can explore your feelings and what happened to you as a child. Therapy with a psychotherapist, not counselling.

It will help give you some distance, and a bit of closure.

That you even considered letting your mum look after your children only shows how damaged you are because in a healthy frame of mind you wouldn't entertain that option for a nanosecond, no matter how desperate.

Your mother will never "see" no matter how much you try to talk to her. Your parents didn't care for you when you were a vulnerable child, they're not going to start now.

I'd suggest going no contact because these are very unhealthy people to have in your life. They won't change. They will never be the parents you as your inner little girl needs them to be.

Therapy will help you.

It is really really common for these feelings to become overwhelming once you become a parent yourself, because you look at your child, remember how you felt and what was done to you at the same age, and can't understand it. It's not difficult to be kind to your children and treat them well, to enjoy their company, to spend time with them, it's the easiest thing in the world.

Others have already mentioned therapy and I second that (although with one caveat, which is that I personally found therapy has made my relationship with my mother worse, not better, because I had to face just how bad things were and the fact that she had made choices without thinking of me at all.

You may also find the stately homes thread (in relationships) helpful.

Op you’ve had a tough upbringing but the things like not having swimming lessons and being in your room, a lot of us who weren’t neglected had the same experiences, I don’t think of myself as neglected- swimming lessons werent what they are now, it wasn’t a thing, and your parents were both working. Everyone I know lived in their room to a certain extent. Saying that you had it very tough and I’m sorry you went through this. Just enjoy your own children and I’d agree go for swimming lessons, I started aged 40 and it’s mind blowing! I’m no good at it but it really does do something amazing x hugs

Therapy for yourself and no contact with either parents going forward. Re therapy interview such people carefully and at length before deciding on any one particular person; they need to fit in with your approach.

You will also need for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

They were not good parents (an understatement) to you when you were growing up and they have not changed in all the years since.

I would urge you most strongly to stop either one of them babysitting your DC; to your mother they are a fabulous source of narcissistic supply and she will emotionally harm them in ways not too dissimilar to how you have been harmed. She did you a favour in stopping that arrangement and I presume it only started because you (like so many adult children of narcissists) thought that they would behave better this time around. Neither your mother or father are emotionally safe enough to be around. The truism again applies that if a parent/relative is too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too.

You owe these people nothing, let alone a relationship here.

Would also suggest you post on the current "Well we took you to Stately Home" thread on these Relationships pages and read the initial post. It has a list of resources and websites for people to look at. Reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Stephanie M Kriesberg could help you also.

It is not too late to learn how to swim and it is a life skill.

Many teens do want space from their parents and live in their rooms but OP was in her room because her parents were (and likely remain) hoarders alongside not being at all bothered about her. Hoarding has a terrible effect also on children and OP was likely not allowed or ever at all encouraged to bring her peers home.

@AttilaTheMeerkats advice on the therapist is spot on.

Def look for someone with good experience and more than a 6 week course as what you are dealing with is complex and also find someone who ypu have rapport with. Def do some research and shop arpund.
My dh does virtual - initially he thought it would be weird but its fine.

Therapy can help you to acknowledge your unmet needs as a child, accept your parents as the flawed people they are, and be mindful of your needs now. It’s done wonders for me.

another one who could have written your whole post word for word, I see my mum once or twice a year, outside on neutral ground, she doesn't come to my home and nor me to hers. she does not have my children unsupervised - ever.

I have mourned the parent I wish I had and accepted the one I have, and that's one who has no interest in me or my children. She's just someone I know.

I would have put them in nursery, moved town, travelled far to where a CM was available…. Anything to avoid leaving my children with what sounds like two profoundly unpleasant, nasty and actually abusive people.

The fact that you did this really indicates how much you need professional guidance and support and therapy. Take care x