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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship issue

37 replies

hadanamechange · 11/12/2025 23:50

I’ve started a relationship with someone after being single for over 5 years.
We were dating for a few months before making it official, and at the beginning it was more casual, and then naturally fell into place.
He has his kids full time so it’s been a slow progress and also works as a long haul pilot, so can be away for a few days at a time. But we make time to see each other when he returns.

Someone sent me a screenshot of his dating profile from a while back on Facebook. It was in a women’s group asking for information about him. The post was dated way before we started seeing each other and we’re both now off the apps so didn’t matter to me then. However the comments that I read have started to bother me. The majority who said they met him in the comments just bad mouthed him. But I can’t view any of the profiles to message them.

He has reassured me that it’s rubbish and he’s got people looking into it. He was already aware of it.
But it’s started to creep up now and then.

Just need some advice because I’ve asked all the questions I can think of and to be frank believe him x

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 11/12/2025 23:52

Who looks after his kids while he is away on long haul? Is this going to be your job?

Mrsnothingthanks · 11/12/2025 23:52

@hadanamechange I guess it depends what sort of things they were saying about him?

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 11/12/2025 23:53

Need more information about what is being said

smallsilvercloud · 11/12/2025 23:56

What kind of comments were they saying?
Is something about him starting to worry you?

PruthePrune · 11/12/2025 23:58

Is there a pattern you have noticed in the comments?

Original poster
hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 00:06

that he’s a time waster and narcissistic. I can understand the warnings, but I’ve not got that from him at all.
I’m assuming it’s an ex or someone who he’s gone out with her for, but there’s no way for me to message them which is what I’d like to do x

OP posts:
Original poster
hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 00:07

Gettingbysomehow · 11/12/2025 23:52

Who looks after his kids while he is away on long haul? Is this going to be your job?

No, I’m not his babysitter. His parents live not too far, so they go to theirs.

OP posts:
MarginWalker · 12/12/2025 00:52

How old are the kids? I’d be on guard for the proverbial hunt for a nanny with a fanny. Do you have kids?

Either way I would be very concerned and I’d watch him with a million eyes for other possible red flags. How’s he to you in general?

LifeSurvior · 12/12/2025 01:06

Far, far too many red flags at the beginning of a relationship OP, you know that's why you have posted

Lurkingandlearning · 12/12/2025 02:37

What did he mean by having people looking into the comments on FB? What people? What were they going to do about those women’s opinions of the pilot?

APinkAndSpottyGiraffey · 12/12/2025 03:03

Honestly, if he is a true narcissist (as opposed to just being a bit selfish sometimes, which might be more apparent) you likely won’t know until too late, it’s generally something you realise slowly over time, not after one or two dates - narcs are masters of disguise. The word narcissist is majorly overused and most of us are selfish occasionally, some more often than not! The latter is stay away from but the occasional duvet hogging or ‘I just cant this morning, would you please…?’ is much more understandable and forgivable. Please be careful, especially if different people are saying the same thing!

Ask me how I know 😂

MrsRolandRat · 12/12/2025 03:16

I’d be inclined to believe the person commenting on the post about him.

I’m long haul cabin crew an it’s most unheard of for the man to have his children full time unless of course he is a widow then maybe. In my 26 years of flying I cannot tell you the amount of pilots who are cheats and mess around down route. Personally I’d stay away. Of course not all of them are this way inclined but many are. Also you get a lot of big self inflated egos within the pilot community. This is just my personal opinion from what I’ve witnessed over the years.

Runrunrudolph · 12/12/2025 08:38

He has reassured me that it’s rubbish and he’s got people looking into it.

That sounds really quite scary.

bigboykitty · 12/12/2025 08:41

Where is the mum of his children?

Springtimehere · 12/12/2025 08:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bigboykitty · 12/12/2025 09:55

In my experience, women who try to warn other women about harmful men, are rarely wrong.

Deliberations · 12/12/2025 10:11

I can see lots of red flags wit this TBH...

I'd be asking why a long haul pilot has full time kids - could be a reasonable explanation but why hasn't he changed jobs to accommodate bringing up his children himself rather than leaving it to his parents??

Why was there a Facebook group dedicated to women finding out about him??!! This sounds utterly bizarre?
The fried who shared the screenshot with you - what were their motives for doing this and searching him up on social media int he first place - there must have been some suspicion?

He' - getting people to look into it??? What on earth does this mean??!

I'd be treading very carefully with this guy TBF.

Original poster
hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 11:11

To the group is called are we dating the same guy? So it’s got a lot of different men on it and my friends on that group so saw his picture.

He has full custody of the kids because his ex was an alcoholic and Took drugs, he said so he took her to court for custody and was awarded it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 11:12

I’ve been out with a narcissist before and it was really triggering. I’m not getting the same vibes, but it was just bothering

OP posts:
MarginWalker · 12/12/2025 11:17

He was awarded custody and the parents practically raise the kids? I know men who are masters at parental alienation so a man getting custody and then dumping the kids on his parents would scream red flag to me.

Horrorscope · 12/12/2025 11:46

Have you met his children?

Mrsnothingthanks · 12/12/2025 11:47

@hadanamechange Do you have evidence of the claims re his ex partner? You are too trusting if not.

ilikeeggs · 12/12/2025 11:54

I would do a Clare’s law request on him for a start.

ChersHandbag · 12/12/2025 13:01

Looked at it from the other logical side, I don’t know if a single decent man who has had people saying this kind of thing about them online.

ChristmasFluff · 12/12/2025 13:15

hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 11:12

I’ve been out with a narcissist before and it was really triggering. I’m not getting the same vibes, but it was just bothering

A psychopath will present very differently to the sort of narcissist you are describing. They can hide their true selves far more successfully, because they are not protecting themselves from knowledge of a false self. They know they are play-acting for gain, and think they are higher beings than the rest of us for doing it!

He will wait until you are hooked or trapped (marriage, pregnancy, moved in and financially reliant) and then the mask will drop. And then god help you. You'll look back on your previous narcissistic relationship as a walk in the park compared to being with a psychopath. Or he might decide you are of no use or interest to him and he will drop you like you like a stone - and possibly even 'punish' you for not being useful or interesting enough.

I echo a previous poster - good men don't appear on these websites, and certainly not badmouthed by multiple women.