Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship issue

37 replies

hadanamechange · 11/12/2025 23:50

I’ve started a relationship with someone after being single for over 5 years.
We were dating for a few months before making it official, and at the beginning it was more casual, and then naturally fell into place.
He has his kids full time so it’s been a slow progress and also works as a long haul pilot, so can be away for a few days at a time. But we make time to see each other when he returns.

Someone sent me a screenshot of his dating profile from a while back on Facebook. It was in a women’s group asking for information about him. The post was dated way before we started seeing each other and we’re both now off the apps so didn’t matter to me then. However the comments that I read have started to bother me. The majority who said they met him in the comments just bad mouthed him. But I can’t view any of the profiles to message them.

He has reassured me that it’s rubbish and he’s got people looking into it. He was already aware of it.
But it’s started to creep up now and then.

Just need some advice because I’ve asked all the questions I can think of and to be frank believe him x

OP posts:
NewCushions · 12/12/2025 13:22

So your only red flag is that there might be facebook posts about him, in the past? I haev to admit, I generally come down on the "the man is probably a dick" but I'm not sure. Could it be that was his ex wife?
How does he speak abou ther and the DC?

The red flag for me is a long haul pilot with children full time who still has time for dating... how does he manage that?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/12/2025 13:27

hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 11:11

To the group is called are we dating the same guy? So it’s got a lot of different men on it and my friends on that group so saw his picture.

He has full custody of the kids because his ex was an alcoholic and Took drugs, he said so he took her to court for custody and was awarded it.

So his children have had a traumatic start in life living with an alcoholic addict and his solution is to continue being away for days at a time, leave them in his parents' care instead of giving them the security of a fully engaged parent, and then on his time at home, rather than spend time with his children he goes out on dates?

Naaaahhhhhhhh.

DaisyChain505 · 12/12/2025 13:31

I’d be weary OP.

Plenty of people don’t have success with online dating but it takes something very specific to feel the need to write about it on social media.

if multiple are saying the same thing about this man I’d be listening.

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 13:32

He has reassured me that it’s rubbish and he’s got people looking into it. He was already aware of it.

That's a red flag right there. People looking into it, WTF. He thinks he's in the Mafia or something.

Multiple women commented and he was already aware of the fact that he was on this site? Another big red flag.

Good guys don't show up on those sites.

Those two things and his being a pilot with full custody of his kids, I wouldn't go any further with this relationship. His parents are raising his kids until some sucker woman comes along.

If he put his kids first, he would have stopped doing long flights.

Do you have children?

bigboykitty · 12/12/2025 13:37

Do your homework @hadanamechange , but most of all, do a Clare's Law request. Something's very wrong here.

Lamentingalways · 12/12/2025 13:39

APinkAndSpottyGiraffey · 12/12/2025 03:03

Honestly, if he is a true narcissist (as opposed to just being a bit selfish sometimes, which might be more apparent) you likely won’t know until too late, it’s generally something you realise slowly over time, not after one or two dates - narcs are masters of disguise. The word narcissist is majorly overused and most of us are selfish occasionally, some more often than not! The latter is stay away from but the occasional duvet hogging or ‘I just cant this morning, would you please…?’ is much more understandable and forgivable. Please be careful, especially if different people are saying the same thing!

Ask me how I know 😂

Took me 11 years 🙈

Abracadabrador · 12/12/2025 13:50

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/12/2025 13:27

So his children have had a traumatic start in life living with an alcoholic addict and his solution is to continue being away for days at a time, leave them in his parents' care instead of giving them the security of a fully engaged parent, and then on his time at home, rather than spend time with his children he goes out on dates?

Naaaahhhhhhhh.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Even if you believe multiple women are making up lies about him online, discarding traumatised children to indulge in dating is monstrous.

ChristmasinBrighton · 12/12/2025 14:06

I’m ex cabin crew. I wouldn’t touch a pilot with a barge pole. I am sure there are some lovely exceptions, but most of them have Narcissist as a middle name.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2025 14:18

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/12/2025 13:27

So his children have had a traumatic start in life living with an alcoholic addict and his solution is to continue being away for days at a time, leave them in his parents' care instead of giving them the security of a fully engaged parent, and then on his time at home, rather than spend time with his children he goes out on dates?

Naaaahhhhhhhh.

Show quote history

100% this. Rather than spending the limited time he has with his children, he’s prioritising his sex life - with multiple women by sounds of things.

More red flags than Moscow on May Day. I wouldn’t touch him with a very long pole.

And are you absolutely positive he really is a pilot? I’ve heard of men who claim to be pilots do they can explain away their time with their wives to their latest OW

summitfever · 12/12/2025 14:22

Op these sites aren’t there to make up your mind for you, they’re there to give a heads up. If he’s been nothing but nice to you and appears a good dad then carry on by all means. I recently cancelled a date with a guy who was on that site and clearly sexually assaulted someone. However I dated a guy that had lots of bad comments about him not replying at certain times and being slow to get back to them etc. I ignored those as they were subjective nonsense and he was fine with me. It didn’t work out but he was still a nice enough guy. Take it as a stern warning he may not be Mr perfect and see how it pans out, assuming there were no deal breaker posts. Women do get a bit hysterical on that site with petty comments because the guy hasn’t wanted to take things further, know the difference.

AgapanthusPink · 12/12/2025 14:26

hadanamechange · 12/12/2025 11:11

To the group is called are we dating the same guy? So it’s got a lot of different men on it and my friends on that group so saw his picture.

He has full custody of the kids because his ex was an alcoholic and Took drugs, he said so he took her to court for custody and was awarded it.

So you’ve told him about being named on that group? That’s concerning in itself? You do realise you could have put another woman/women at risk by doing that? He very likely knows who it will be and if what they’re saying is true he could make life very difficult if not worse for them?

SparklyGlitterballs · 12/12/2025 14:26

His parents look after the kids now, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that if you two started living together the job would gradually become yours.

If he's away several days at a time I'm surprised he has much time for dating, as he should be prioritising time with his DC when he's home.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread