Partner doesn’t want sex

[jemma1995]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and have 2 young children.
the first year we were together we had lots of sex.
after that it dwindled significantly.
The only time we have had sex is to conceive our children 😂
literally have the best relationship but I just want to feel wanted! I lost weight and tried to improve my appearance before having my most recent child as I wondered if maybe he just didn’t find me attractive anymore but no still no interest.
I have tried to gently discuss with him but he turns it round to me like ‘you don’t initiate’ and I’ve said I like feeling wanted and knowing you want me but he just never does.
Is anyone else’s partner like this as I feel like the minority everyone else’s other half seems to want to have sex all the time and it’s the woman who’s not interested. It just makes me sad as I’m only 31 and just feel like this is something I wish I had 😢

You might want to read the Sexless Marriage Support Thread (amongst many others); you'll see there are plenty of women in your position. I'll warn you, though, the thread is not especially encouraging - but you never know.

(I'm M58, married 23 years, sexless for 8.)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread

Do you ever try to initiate?

Yes! And he will oblige sometimes but that’s the only time ever he will entertain it and it always just seems like that’s when he does it just to appease me

I have to say I don’t feel very hopeful if it’s been like this for nine years??

It sounds as if you do have sex - how often? Is it good?

Literally last time was when my child was conceived nearly 2 years ago! When we have sex it’s fine. He’s very basic sex like has no interest in anything apart from good old fashioned sex. I’ve tried to have a conversation like is there anything you like and he just shuts it down. It’s just shit really as our relationship is perfect otherwise. It’s just the intimacy which is non existent which makes me feel lonely almost

There are ways to be intimate without sex, how are you guys with those? Do you cuddle?

Ok I’m sorry but if you haven’t had sex for two years I think your sex life is officially over.

In all honesty we aren’t great. We don’t really show each other much physical love at all, I don’t know why or when it stopped but we don’t! I suppose I almost feel a bit awkward around him now

@jemma1995 "It’s just shit really as our relationship is perfect otherwise."

I know it's not easy when you have children, but if the rest of your relationship is good, some sort of sex therapy might work for you.

and yet he is surprised that you dont want more....

So most of your 20s no sex? It does not sound like it will change. And its not shameful to end a relationship because of no sex. Its a big part of a relationship. And just being affectionate to each other in general. You are far to young to never have this again. I think you will be very resentful as you get older if you dont tell him how you feel. And if no change then move on.

I think you need to ask yourself whether at 31 you’re prepared to be in a sexless marriage. You haven’t had sex at all for 2 years and hardly any sex for 9 years. So either you resign yourself to a sexless partnership, in which case carry on as you are because this isn’t going to change without intervention. Alternatively, initiate another discussion but be more direct about wanting honesty and clarity, whatever his answer might be and however hard it might be for you to hear.

He’s deflecting and avoiding when you ask him because he knows why and telling you will be difficult. Part of you probably doesn’t really want to know as you’re scared of how it will make you feel. But isn’t it better to know than to be left guessing and wondering. There’s any number of reasons it could be, and whatever the reason is will determine whether this is something you can work on or not. If he tries to say it’s because you don’t initiate, be firm, tell him what you’ve said here, that you don’t because he never does which leads you to believe it won’t be welcome. If he really won’t engage with you about it, then you have a decision to make re staying or leaving.

You’re really very young to consign yourself to a sexless life. And it’s unfair of him to expect you to. You deserve to feel desired and wanted by your partner.

It won’t change, I was in a long relationship (male ) and the last few years were mostly sexless and pretty much how you describe, there is nothing worse than the other person just having aex to keep you quiet for a while, unfortunately it almost certainly won’t change

I'm in a very similar situation...sex twice in the last 4 years. My DH says he has zero libido, and he has a lot of general anxiety. He is having some medical checks and we have agreed to try councilling. That's the last step though...I want to stay together until the kids are older as the relationship is otherwise good. I think it is likely we will separate in the future. My self esteem is rock bottom.

Perhaps he’s secretly gay if it’s always been like this.

There are lots of reasons why someone might have a low libido. Lots of these can be worked on or treated, some cannot. What makes the difference is whether that person acknowledges the problem and is open to changing it. It sounds like in this case he has no intention of doing so and is happy with how things stand. You are far too young to settle for this and deserve to be with someone who wants you.

I'm in this situation.
15 years and for the last 4 of those we have not had any.
Its making me so sad as I just thought it might be a phase (OH had some personal health issues which possibly are resolved now but nothing has changed).
The issue now is that he keeps blaming me as he says I'm being miserable and stressed . But nothing changes, ever.
We have very, very light affection, but rarely cuddle, dont sit next to eachother on the sofa of an evening. Never any affection when going to sleep.
But then he also won't get any help either.
Weve had a huge row today which stems from this deep down and im so sad today as I dont know where we go from here.

You know this thread is really old?

A man who truly loved you, even if he had a lower libido, would at least come to a consensus with you where you'd meet halfway so you'd have some satisfaction. And he'd at least be affectionate in between.

It's time let him know you're not willing to live the rest of your life like this, so it's either sex therapy, marital counseling, getting a medical checkup where hormone levels are checked, etc., or you will be seeking legal advice to divorce.

You only have one life on the planet, so it's a tragedy to settle. It'd also be teaching your children that a mediocre life is fine. When the day comes when you date again, make sure you pay attention to see if a person's behavior does or doesn't take a major downturn after the honeymoon period. Know them a few years, not just 1 or less, before moving in together or marrying. Take care.

This is a zombie thread 🧟‍♀️

lazy saturday....