If you were me right now what would you do.

[MerryEffingXmas]

Name changed for this

I have been with DP for 8 years. We have no DC together but I have DS (14) from a previous relationship.

We have been having issues for a while, we haven’t had sex in a long time, I put on a lot of weight (7 stone in 18 months!) due to illness and a medication I was on. Due to this plus work stress etc we got out of the habit and it’s never really come back. He’s always told me I’m beautiful etc and I’m now back to where I was and have recovered. As well as this, DP has never been one for big acts of love. He is generous and kind, we always hold hands in public, kiss each other, things like that but we aren’t ones to cuddle on the sofa or things like that. He never truly makes me feel like he’s in love with me. I have spoken to him about this and he says he shows love in other ways like running me a bath on my way home from work, cleaning my car, buying me my favourite chocolate as surprises and things like that, he says he’s more practical.

About 5 months ago he had been out and when he got home he was really drunk and he said he felt depressed and thought I deserved better and that he thought we should have a break. I was absolutely distraught and ending up leaving for the night, the next day he was mortified and said he didn’t think that, he loved me, he was having a bad time (he has had 3 deaths in his family in quick succession). Ds was not in the house when this happened he was at a friends just FYI.

Since then things have been ok, life has been busy. We have had a couple of weekends away, nights out, concerts etc. we always have a good time and don’t stop laughing however the lack of sex and that night back in the summer is always in the back of my mind.

Over the weekend we had a big row, I am not even sure what started it and we actually very rarely argue. It got heated with raised voices and it ended up with me leaving the house and going to stay with a friend for the night. We had a big chat on Sunday and I said sometimes I feel like he’s totally checked out from our relationship and I’m not sure it can continue. he was very upset and said I make him happy and he loves me but he struggles to show happiness or feel happiness. He put this down to his ongoing issues with his family (brother committed suicide, sister is getting a divorce, his dad is an alcoholic and his mum is having cancer treatment for the third time). He said he would never want to hurt me and he was sorry about the night before and that I felt I needed to leave the house. I then propositioned him (sounds so formal but not sure of what other way to put it! And he immediately said no, he didn’t feel well). This obviously hurt me

since then we have been plodding on, we have both been at work and I have been busy with DS. But I am crumbling on the inside. I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt we have major, massive problems in our relationship. The lack of sex being the first but deep down in my heart I am not sure he wants to be here anymore but doesn’t know how to actually put that into words. I have cried so much this week in the car on my way to and back from work. DS has been here all week and due to the paper thin walls of our new build house there’s no way to really have a private conversation. However today I am just spiralling and I cannot go another second feeling like this. We are going to a light trail tonight with our family and when we get home I need to speak to him because I feel in so much pain. But my problems are-

If we were to split up, DS and I wouldn’t really have anywhere to go. The house is in both of our names but all of the deposit was his money and he pays the mortgage and I pay the other household bills. We could go to my mums but she lives in a 2 bedroom
house and my DN is staying with her for the foreseeable so I’d have to stay in the living room and DS bunking with my niece? EXdp lives abroad so no way DS can stay with him. DS is settled here, loves his friends on our estate and we live a 5 minute walk from his school.

I have no savings. I earn an ok amount (40k) but nothing major and it would take me a while to save a deposit for my own house. I have opened a LISA and plan to begin saving into this

We are booked to go onto a holiday of a lifetime on Boxing Day. We have saved for 3 years, DS is so excited and it’s cost us thousands. It is with some of my family and some of DP’s. I am not sure how the booking works but we are one whole booking and if we didn’t go no one would go as we are the only ones who drive and there’s a lot of driving involved on this holiday

I have spoken to my best friend and she has suggested just riding it out, ultimately I want to be with DP and make it work whether this is through counselling or whatever. If it was just me I could leave and live with a mate or get a bedsit or move away or whatever but it’s not, I have DS to think about

but at the same time I can’t live like this, I feel like half a person. I feel like I’m dying and the thought of splitting up from DP makes me want to vomit. But I know we have major issues

god I am sorry that is a HUGE waffle

He sounds like he's under an incredible amount of stress OP. Mother could die, sibling took own life, other sibling having her own crisis and a dad who's probably no use nor ornament. Not to mention your health the past couple of years.

I'd go off sex and want to run away thinking about all of that.

Does he have anybody to talk to?

Unusually for these types of threads, I think your DP sounds absolutely lovely and to me, he definitely sounds like he is in love with you!

I would say however that he is suffering with depression and this is what is causing the things he is saying to you and also the lack of sex.

All of the things you mentioned (multiple deaths within the family including a suicide, alcoholic dad, mum having cancer) are big enough on their own, never mind having to deal with all of them at once.

I think he needs to get to a therapist and a GP. And pretty quickly.

He is under a lot of stress 100%. He has lots of friends, other family members, I’ve suggested he gets counselling (he says no). I’ve suggested we have counselling, he again says no. My illness wasn’t life threatening, I wasn’t in any danger but it was obviously a hard time and I totally get that. I try every day to be there for him and he just cuts the conversation down or says oh what’s the point in talking about it.

His DB dying was an awful, awful shock but this was nearly 3 years ago (NOT that I am in anyway putting a time limit on grief at all) but at the same time if he won’t talk about things or shuts down and pushes me away there’s only so much I can do for him. I have issues in my family as well, I have had family members pass away and have really struggled with my job (I’m a nurse) whilst being ill and he’s never really had any sympathy. Not in a harsh way but in a kind of ‘well it’s happened now so we have to get on with it’ kind of way

That all sounds really really tough but I agree that he is really going through a hard time at the moment and maybe you just need to take a step back and maybe just stop being so needy. I don't mean that in a horrible way at all but focus on yourself and your son and your job. Give it 6 months. And suggest that he goes on antidepressants and get some counseling to help with the depression and reassess in six months time.

Sorry I posted before seeing your update.

It's a really tough one isn't it but I would definitely put things on hold until after the holiday.

I have told him numerous times to go and see his GP, I have offered to go with him, make the appointment, found therapists that come highly recommended etc. he says no to everything

i hope he does love me. One of my biggest fears is that he has totally fallen out of love with me but doesn’t know how to tell me as a)he knows me and DS wouldn’t have anywhere to live and b) he just doesn’t know how to tell me. It makes me feel sick to think he’d be that checked out

That’s what my friend has said, to continue offering him support and being there but to focus on saving some money, being there for DS and just getting through Xmas and the holiday and making decisions in a few months time

Go on the holiday.
book couples counselling in the new year.

well it’s happened now so we have to get on with it’ kind of way

That's part of the problem. It means nothing is dealt with and gets suppressed. The problem is, the more you squash down, it's just a matter of time before there's no room left and it starts to leak out in small explosions.

In your shoes I'd tell him this can't go on and he needs some sort of therapy or counselling to deal with the things he hasn't and if he refuses to do that than you'll have to talk about separating.

There's not much more you can do for him. These little bombs will turn into a big one eventually. He has to do his part.

I'd definitely do the holiday. It might just be what you all need.

It’s three years since I lost my sister, and it honestly feels like three minutes some days. Adding in everything else, it’s no wonder sex isn’t a priority for him right now.

I agree with pps that he doesn't really sound like a bastard, but he does sound worryingly depressed. (Of course there is also always the possibility that there is someone else he is seeing - even if he has no intention of splitting with you, or not yet.)

Can you communicate to him that although he doesn't really want to go to the doctor's, his behaviour and attitude are making you so worried that it's causing you really painful stress yourself - and for your peace of mind you really wish he would visit the GP, as you are so concerned for him.

If he is as loving as he says, wouldn't he at least give this some consideration?

I would recommend couples counselling ASAP

This was better put than my post! Very good advice. He has to take his share of responsibility, at the very least acknowledge how he is currently hurting you with his behaviour

You hold hands and kiss, but you don't feel "loved". Someone else will post, they're trying to watch TV and their partner keeps trying to cuddle them and they find it irritating. You sound very insecure. I was nursing many years, and it gave me a better insight into life and death,young unexpected and made me a better kinder person.

Life is hard and this sounds like you have had a few years of things being really really tough

Before you both walk away or the relationship ends - I think you could do more to try and reconnect? If he wants to and you do

Enjoy your holiday - couuld you try to reduce some pressure from the decision? He isn't abusive, the two of you have had a hard time - isn't it okay to actually accept things are difficult but you are going to see if you can work through them?

Not in a harsh way but in a kind of ‘well it’s happened now so we have to get on with it’ kind of way

My DH is like this. As were my parents and grandparents. It's definitely an "old school" way to think as it's far more normal and accepted these days to open up about things like depression, mental health, grief etc but a lot of people still struggle with opening up.

As much as I think you need to talk to him, sometimes if they have this mindset, nothing is going to get through to them. He will probably just keep saying he's "fine" and doesn't need help. You don't want to give him an ultimatum as I think he's probably struggling enough and will just shut off completely.

I don't agree about couples counselling as I actually don't think your relationship sounds bad at all. I think it is him who needs help / counselling as he has a lot of trauma there to unpick and address but he needs to decides to do this himself.

Maybe see how the holiday goes, try and talk to him as much as possible and say you might have to go and stay with your mum / rent somewhere for a while in the New Year if he isn't willing to get help as it's making you both miserable?

Thank you everyone for all of your insights, you have talked me back off of the ledge.

I am going to suggest couples counselling again or even solo counselling. To clear up a few points-

when I say kiss and hold hands, we hold hands if we go for a walk etc. in terms of kissing, it is literally a peck on the lips that last a millisecond. Not that I’m asking for snogs in the middle of the Tesco shop but it doesn’t feel loving.

Maybe I am coming across as needy? I don’t think I do, I am very encouraging/supportive of his hobby that takes him out the house 2 nights/ 1 morning a week. I have suggested he goes on a solo holiday to clear his head like a walking holiday or a cycling holiday. He said no. I don’t ask for much (although maybe I do and I don’t realise it). I’m really independent, have a busy social life etc. I never make any demands from him but at the same time, what is wrong with wanting my partner to tell me I look nice when I’m about to go out or give me a big kiss or a big hug after a crap day at work?

To the person who said he might be seeing someone else, that thought has popped into my head. But it’s the old cliche of ‘I don’t know when he’d have the time’. Not that I’m saying he never would or never could but he works from home 3 days a week 1 and a half days in the office and is hobby is in the same team as my brother in law (my sisters husband) and they lift share so no way to sneak off from there. He’s open with his phone etc, never home late from work and things.

I know he is still very much grieving for his brother and my heart hurts for him. His dad has had alcohol issues since DP was a teen so although it’s a horrible way to live, he’s been the same way for a long long time. His mums cancer is also awful, I do the majority of the drives for the chemo, picking up medication etc and try to be there for DP And his mum as much as I can.

I think he is 100% depressed and has been a for a long time. He is very good at hiding it and I can guarantee if any of our friends (it’s only my best friend who I’ve confided in) knew about our issues theyd be in shock. However, on a selfish level I have also had bereavement in my life in recent years, had a lot of struggles with my health (again, not life threatening but enough that my life has been impacted), had trauma etc. normal things that happen in life and I do not push him away nor start a row out of nowhere or reject him or tell him I want a break from our relationship. Which I know sounds very selfish and I wouldn’t voice this to him but obviously here on the internet where no one knows me I can voice these. When does it end really if he isn’t willing to either get help or even try for us?

I think I will go on the holiday and hope it reconnects us. Try to work on myself so so much of my self worth isn’t loaded on whether he wants me or not. Concentrate on myself, DS and building up a house deposit so if it does all end, I have that back up

I think you are confusing issues (in your last post).

You have said he will run you a bath, clean your car, buy your favourite snacks... Those are his ways of showing you he loves you. Not saying you look nice doesn't mean he doesn't love you! He obviously just prefers more practical ways of showing his love rather than verbal. My DH is exactly the same.

Putting that aside, I think that the reason you don't feel loved is because he is depressed and mentally drained and won't speak about any of it so it's all just piled up inside him. If you're feeling low and in such a dark place, caring about / expressing love for anyone else is just impossible because you don't have that care or love for yourself.

From your description, it looks like you are going through difficult times and the obvious answer would be to just ride it through to the other side, together. Questioning the relationship shouldn't even be an option in the middle of this shit show. (But something to worry about later)

However, you are questioning it, which means there's another deeper problem there for you. What are you missing? Do you trust him? Do you think he will be "back" once things are less stressful? Or have you always felt unappreciated and the resentment built up? I think that's the key.

He is clearly depressed - and for good reason with all the troubles in his family. It is not something that can be "solved" by medication (though that could be a temporary crutch), or by therapy. It is a natural reaction to the awful circiumstances in his family.
You are feeling the fallout from it, but really it is not about you or your relationship, just his difficulty in coping at the moment. Hang in there and give every support - the last thing he needs after such loss and fearing further losses in his family is the threat or even suggestion of another loss if you talk about breaking up. You and he will come through this difficult time. 💕

Yeah 100% running me a bath etc is loving and very sweet. But it’s things like, I have now lost 8 stone through sheer hard work and Mounjaro. I treated myself to a new outfit for my works do and when I put it on last week, the first time truly in years I have felt nice in anyway he barely looked up at me. I said what do you think and he said yeah nice and went back to watching the footie. If I ring him on the way home and say oh I’ve had a really bad day, etc etc he’ll just say ok well what do you want me to say? When I have cried to him about the lack of sex and the feeling of being rejected he just turns away from me and goes to sleep.

He doesn’t care how I feel. And I have tried my best to be there for him in every single way, giving him space, physically being there, emotionally, asking him to go to the Gp, trying to arrange counselling, encouraging to have time alone. Helped his mum with her appointments, been to sort his dad out when he’s got into a state. All of this whilst dealing with my own issues with my family, tragedy’s, issue with DS, juggling work etc. I love him and want him to be ok which I know is not that easy at all but I am not cold with him at all. If anything I put my own feelings aside (and always have done since we very first met) so allow for his feelings, my friends have pointed that out to me before.

I do think a resentment has built up which started long before his brothers death

I totally agree but he’s the one who said he wanted a break then back tracked the day after. And he’s the one who started the row on Saturday out of nowhere then cried the day after that he didn’t want to hurt me which to me now implies he has more to say but doesn’t know how?

That sounds so tough. I don't think he will want to feel or stay feeling that way either, but can't find a way through, and unfortunately, may possibly think by now that you can't help him.

I know of 2 couples where the man in the relationship had similar circumstances to what you describe - loss after loss in the family, dark distress, and to a certain extent, outwardly positive things happening for the women. Women frustrated, a bit, about anything they tried not being able to reach into the sadness. Don't know anything about the sex side of either, though. They did get through it but both of the men changed hugely to be able to - well, to survive (one went from being an academic to a freight driver, nothing wrong with this but a huge change and income-wise, very different. Alongside this he'd been quite a negative and snarky person for years before this, and now seems to have much less stress and is sociable, the contrast was enormous). One split amicably and the other didn't.

You need the holiday. Don't miss that. Don't rest everything on it being the dream and a fabulous solution - though it might be - but you all deserve it. It might, possibly, give you a small opening of the window somewhere that is a change, to at least start a (delicate, not full throttle) conversation in a place where your DC will be asleep and possibly not in the same space as at home.

He's had major bereavement and worry about his mum etc. - what are you doing to support and comfort him? He sounds very nice.
Tbh, you sound quite self-absorbed, and it's telling that you seem to be more worried about losing your cheap accommodation than the actual man you're with who is clearly depressed.