If you were me right now what would you do.

[MerryEffingXmas]

Name changed for this

I have been with DP for 8 years. We have no DC together but I have DS (14) from a previous relationship.

We have been having issues for a while, we haven’t had sex in a long time, I put on a lot of weight (7 stone in 18 months!) due to illness and a medication I was on. Due to this plus work stress etc we got out of the habit and it’s never really come back. He’s always told me I’m beautiful etc and I’m now back to where I was and have recovered. As well as this, DP has never been one for big acts of love. He is generous and kind, we always hold hands in public, kiss each other, things like that but we aren’t ones to cuddle on the sofa or things like that. He never truly makes me feel like he’s in love with me. I have spoken to him about this and he says he shows love in other ways like running me a bath on my way home from work, cleaning my car, buying me my favourite chocolate as surprises and things like that, he says he’s more practical.

About 5 months ago he had been out and when he got home he was really drunk and he said he felt depressed and thought I deserved better and that he thought we should have a break. I was absolutely distraught and ending up leaving for the night, the next day he was mortified and said he didn’t think that, he loved me, he was having a bad time (he has had 3 deaths in his family in quick succession). Ds was not in the house when this happened he was at a friends just FYI.

Since then things have been ok, life has been busy. We have had a couple of weekends away, nights out, concerts etc. we always have a good time and don’t stop laughing however the lack of sex and that night back in the summer is always in the back of my mind.

Over the weekend we had a big row, I am not even sure what started it and we actually very rarely argue. It got heated with raised voices and it ended up with me leaving the house and going to stay with a friend for the night. We had a big chat on Sunday and I said sometimes I feel like he’s totally checked out from our relationship and I’m not sure it can continue. he was very upset and said I make him happy and he loves me but he struggles to show happiness or feel happiness. He put this down to his ongoing issues with his family (brother committed suicide, sister is getting a divorce, his dad is an alcoholic and his mum is having cancer treatment for the third time). He said he would never want to hurt me and he was sorry about the night before and that I felt I needed to leave the house. I then propositioned him (sounds so formal but not sure of what other way to put it! And he immediately said no, he didn’t feel well). This obviously hurt me

since then we have been plodding on, we have both been at work and I have been busy with DS. But I am crumbling on the inside. I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt we have major, massive problems in our relationship. The lack of sex being the first but deep down in my heart I am not sure he wants to be here anymore but doesn’t know how to actually put that into words. I have cried so much this week in the car on my way to and back from work. DS has been here all week and due to the paper thin walls of our new build house there’s no way to really have a private conversation. However today I am just spiralling and I cannot go another second feeling like this. We are going to a light trail tonight with our family and when we get home I need to speak to him because I feel in so much pain. But my problems are-

If we were to split up, DS and I wouldn’t really have anywhere to go. The house is in both of our names but all of the deposit was his money and he pays the mortgage and I pay the other household bills. We could go to my mums but she lives in a 2 bedroom
house and my DN is staying with her for the foreseeable so I’d have to stay in the living room and DS bunking with my niece? EXdp lives abroad so no way DS can stay with him. DS is settled here, loves his friends on our estate and we live a 5 minute walk from his school.

I have no savings. I earn an ok amount (40k) but nothing major and it would take me a while to save a deposit for my own house. I have opened a LISA and plan to begin saving into this

We are booked to go onto a holiday of a lifetime on Boxing Day. We have saved for 3 years, DS is so excited and it’s cost us thousands. It is with some of my family and some of DP’s. I am not sure how the booking works but we are one whole booking and if we didn’t go no one would go as we are the only ones who drive and there’s a lot of driving involved on this holiday

I have spoken to my best friend and she has suggested just riding it out, ultimately I want to be with DP and make it work whether this is through counselling or whatever. If it was just me I could leave and live with a mate or get a bedsit or move away or whatever but it’s not, I have DS to think about

but at the same time I can’t live like this, I feel like half a person. I feel like I’m dying and the thought of splitting up from DP makes me want to vomit. But I know we have major issues

god I am sorry that is a HUGE waffle

It sounds like you might be correct in saying he's perhaps fallen out of love with you BUT I think it sounds more that he's fallen out of love with life and doesn't feel that spark about anything. It's the depression, its so pervasive. He also probably doesn't understand how hes feeling. It needs dealing with, and things can improve when it is deslt with, but resist the temptation right before Christmas and your trip. Make the trip wonderful regardless of what comes after it.

So I agree with trying to enjoy the holiday and relax as the first step. I would have that conversation with him though. "It's been a bit of a miserable time lately for so many reasons, I was thinking we should make relax ing and fun the top.priority on this trip. No big serious conversations or pressure, just to make it a moment of enjoying life. Is there anything particular you'd like to do while we're there, individually or together?"

From what you’ve written it sounds like from his behaviour and what he’s said that it’s the end of the road for him and I think you know that… but I don’t think he knows how to extract himself without causing great hurt for everyone. I think you have to seriously start thinking about your next steps without him.

It sounds like you guys need a lovely holiday and some marriage counselling.

I’d stop flouncing out after an argument, and try to support your struggling DP. 👍

I think it sounds as if its the end of the road for him. I would enjoy the holiday and really start saving.

I’m sorry you are hurting but it seems you’re focusing very much on the sexual aspect of your relationship. That’s too narrow a point to have a hand on the pulse for how the relationship is really doing.

It sounds like your DP is having a really tough time, the unexpected loss of his brother (and the way he went), his mum potentially not being able to overcome the third (!!) round of treatment for cancer and his father being ill and going downhill as well.

Not all men are always into sex, FGS your DP sounds like he’s falling to pieces while trying so hard to keep things ticking over.

Hes a committed family man who taken on your son, looks after you (in a practical way yes, but everyone’s love language is different), has saved up with you to make amazing memories with you all as a family.

Please don’t have a big talk with your DP or else he will feel like he’s now losing his family as well because he’s not being intimate with you. The pressure the poor man must be under 😢

This 100% with baubles and tinsel on it.
Go on the holiday, it will be good for all of you!

I’d usually expect someone to say LTB, given it’s MN. Yet you’ve had some very sensible responses.
I really think this is salvageable if you both want it to be. He is clearly depressed and it’s affecting his self image and libido.
You’re feeling better after a lot of hard work and unappreciated.
Talk to a counsellor about all of this and if you both want to work it through you could stay together.
He would benefit from seeing his GP about his MH.
Enjoy the holiday. It might be stressful but could do you both some good.

I would say go on the holiday. See how he is when he's away from his usual environment, see if the change makes a difference to how he is. If he is more 'himself' when you're away, then I'd think there's something worth saving. He certainly sounds very depressed, and sometimes when people are dreadfully depressed they decide on a complete life change, almost as a reaction.

So I would see how things go after Christmas and after the holiday. But I'd start saving too, because you might feel better if you know you've got enough money to be able to walk away from the relationship if you need to. Even if you decide not to go, having the choice could make a difference.

What would you do if you were me right now?

1. Stop leaving the house for a night every time you have a disagreement
2. Stop being so needy
3. Realise he is going through a bad time. He clearly loves you but if you keep pressing for reassurance you may just end up putting doubts in his mind and drive him away..

I'm sorry Op, but in my experience, once they start saying things like they 'can't make you happy', that's when they've checked out, and they want to end things. It sounds like he just doesn't know how.

He might think you're the reason for his unhappiness, or might not, but either way you can't control how he feels.

OP, I would love for my man to hold my hand and give me kisses unprompted. It sounds lovely. He may not hug you on the sofa, but some people are not into long hugs (my husband tries, but he looks so uncomfortable I give up!).

I would like to mention that it sounds like you yourself have self-esteem issues. Maybe because you are feeling down about yourself and your weight gain you are looking for him to make you feel better about this situation and he is not in the right headspace to give this to you? It sounds like you are both going through so many things and are struggling to support each other.

It might be just worth going on holiday, spending some quality time together and seeing how it feels. Holidays are sometimes a way for people to reconnect. Maybe towards the end of the holiday have a good honest talk about it all, and see where your marriage is heading. That’s what I would do, and if it still feels like it is falling apart then tell him you both need counselling to keep this marriage going.

Good luck OP.

I think the holiday will be a good opportunity to focus on making your relationship work, and seeing whether this is possible away from the stresses of daily life. Give it your best shot. If you can't make things work, consider your next steps in the new year.

He needs professional therapy. Those are massive issues that he's gone through.

Putting aside that he's a man, that this is a romantic relationship, if my best girlfriend had been through those things I would have no qualms whatsoever in saying I'm here for you whatever, AND have you looked into grief counselling, here are some links for It etc.

Men just don't really talk to other men very well about feelings and I think it's a lot to hold within a relationship when you also have your own needs too to look out for.

I also think making any big decision is hard to make when you are not in your right frame of mind, you are vulnerable and may push people away etc.

Speaking as someone who's best friend lost their husband very suddenly.

Thank you everyone, a lot of food for thought and I appreciate everyone’s responses

just to note though, I haven’t been ‘flouncing out’. I would never do that.He was screaming in my face, which he has never done before but I won’t be spoken to like that by anyone

With the sex thing OP, what does he himself say the issue is when asked why he’s not keen? It’s hard to fix a problem when you don’t know what that problem is. Does he claim to want to get back to having a regular sex life? People saying it’s not a big deal but I reckon it is - I know when my DH and I go even a week without we start bickering and sniping at each other, it’s stressful! When we do it lots we’re super connected and loved up and, well, happier! The two things are definitely related and can exacerbate how you feel, both positively and negatively IMO.

100%. Good for you, keep those strong boundaries in place.

He’s depressed. His brother committed suicide only 3 years ago, his mum’s currently on her third round of cancer treatments, he’s been dealing with his dad’s alcoholism since he was a child and family issues have likely brought up feelings around that. In the midst of all this you’ve cried to him about a lack of sex and told him his efforts to show you love aren’t good enough.

He clearly cares about you. He’s trying, but you’re not satisfied with him telling you you’re beautiful, running you a bath, buying you your favourite chocolate, or holding your hand when you’re on a walk - you want snuggles on the sofa, proper kisses, compliments, and sex - and he doesn’t have bandwidth to meet those demands right now. It’s not surprising he felt he was letting you down: you told him he was. Believing you deserve better is a reflection of how he feels about himself, not about you.

He’s started one argument - you’ve said yourself this is out of character for him - and he was distraught at having hurt you the next day. When you told him you feel like he’s checked out and you’re not sure the relationship can continue, he described depression again and explained that it’s caused by issues around his family: it’s not about you. Your reaction to that was to try to have sex with him. Of course he didn’t want to fuck you when you’d just told him you’re not sure about being with him, and he’s just shared that he’s struggling to feel happy. Did that feel like a sexy situation? Was that a reasonable demand for reassurance you genuinely thought he’d meet, or were you (possibly unconsciously) setting him up to hurt your feelings? You’ve claimed he doesn’t care about your feelings - did your reaction show any care for his?

You’ve talked here about how “on a selfish level I have also had bereavement in my life in recent years“, and implied your DP’s loss was just like yours: “trauma etc. normal things that happen in life”. His brother committing suicide was not a “normal thing”. You framed his Dad’s alcoholism as “although it’s a horrible way to live, he’s been the same way for a long long time“, as though your DP shouldn’t be struggling with it now. Talking about his mum’s cancer, you made sure to point out that you “do the majority of the drives for the chemo, picking up medication etc”, as though you’re just as impacted by his mum’s illness as he is. You’ve minimised how much he’s dealing with, and you seem to feel like you’re dealing with just as much. You’re not.

I do not push him away nor start a row out of nowhere or reject him or tell him I want a break from our relationship
You’ve walked out and stayed elsewhere overnight after every disagreement, instead of trying to understand and resolve things. You were planning on starting another stressful conversation last night - it probably would have turned into a “row out of nowhere” if you hadn’t thought better of it. You have openly rejected the way he shows love, and this week you have explicitly told him you’re not sure whether you want to continue in the relationship.

He sounds like a kind man who cares about you, who is struggling with traumatic events, current stress, and emotions around a difficult childhood triggered by ongoing family problems. He does need counselling, but for help with what he’s dealing with, not to show him how to meet your requirements. Have you considered having individual therapy to address your insecurities, and for emotional support while you’re helping him through this?

FWIW, my DH had multiple bereavements in a short space of time. Nowhere close to what your DP is carrying, but it was hard for him, especially when another family member appeared to be nearing the end. He struggled with depression, felt guilty that his sex drive disappeared, was convinced he was a burden to me, and because he thinks I deserve the world he also thought I deserved better than him. I reassured him that I understood, that there was no pressure for sex, and that I loved him even when he wasn’t able to be his usual affectionate self. He got through it - he just needed time.

Not what you asked for comment on but if you already own a house so are not a first time buyer a Lisa cannot be used to save for a deposit unless you want to lose the bonus plus get a penalty when withdrawing.

Starlight1984, agree with you 100%

Yes he's depressed, but if he won't acknowledge it or seek any help then he will remain depressed and the relationship will continue to be soul destroying. I wouldn't push the issue before Christmas and your big holiday but start preparing to separate next year if he doesn't change his attitude towards getting help. If you're joint owners of the property is there any equity in it above the deposit he paid? If so, half of that belongs to you and he would need to buy you out, which may be enough to secure a rental for 6 months and get you set up in your own home. I'm sorry, it's awful to be in this position. I have been depressed for a while due to various issues including bereavement and I've worried about the impact on my DH - but I've done every damn thing possible to try to make myself better. Depression is selfish by nature but it doesn't mean that the depressed person gets a pass to do nothing about it indefinitely.

Please accept a disclaimer on the following, as the only evidence in the ballpark for it is the night you describe from 5 months ago, but...is there any chance that your DH could be drinking heavily under the radar (not just on this night) - or tempted to? With or without an effect on sex drive and 'mechanics'. It occurred to me that alcoholism is really heritable, for reasons both known and unknown.

I also wonder if there are triggers where the penny drops a little further as you get older - so, for example, someone can have the experience of being around alcoholism as a young person and have ground laid for being fearful, disgusted, angry, or anxious about being a party to those circumstances, but possibly get more tempted when, years on, this is still the stage set for the family and then they reach an age where they understand more, or feel pain that alcohol might start to speak to.
It's tenuous and may very well be nothing, but it is a thought.

Maybe he just said it, and then he had a panic at the reality.

He has had a lot on his plate and understandably is very sad.I think you need to stop trying to "fix the problem". It sounds to me like he has coped by detaching. He needs to heal, and it is going to take time and effort to rebuild and reconnect.

If he won't go for couples counselling you may find it helpful to have some just for yourself.
Only you can decide if you want to stick it out and try, but he doesn't sound like a bad guy, just one that has been through a lot.