Is this normal?

[Cgy]

I don’t really know where to start but me and my partner have been together 10 years and have two children. Previously I have found out that when he is on nights out he gets women’s numbers - said he doesn’t do anything with them and if he’s given his number and they message he doesn’t respond. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but about a year and a half ago made my boundaries very clear, you should not be exchanging numbers and acting single when your out. My stance is don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if I was there, I genuinely dont care if he talks to women etc but I made it very clear and set my boundaries. Since then his communication is so much better and he doesn’t go out as much as he used to. BUT a few weeks ago he went out a few nights in one weekend and then a few days after a family member was sent a video of him on a girls Instagram where he dances with her and then there is a photo of him picking her up. This is a huge coincidence that it got back to me as someone who I am mutual friends with vaguely recognised him so that’s how it was flagged up.
We have had a few trust issues in the past but nothing is ever enough for me to leave him (or I haven’t got the proof he isn’t telling the truth).
My issue is crossing my boundary and also saying he’s single and asking for the girls number - again after I have previously made it clear this is a boundary for me. She told him they live to far away and didn’t give her number but apparently he then said oh it’s not that far, we can go on a double date.
We are supposed to be wedding planning next year but this is giving me bad vibes and I just don’t know what to do. This girl is also opposite to me in looks and the whole thing is just making me feel insecure. Any advice would be appreciated, I know there’s worse out there but it just feels like I’m not being respected. We have worked really hard on improving our relationship over the years and we parent very well together but I don’t think I can accept that this is part of my life and I’m also very embarrassed that this has been seen by numerous people I know!

Good heavens OP you can't seriously be going to marry him.when you know he acts like a single man and gets off with other women?

Once you’re stuck in the house with kids seeming frigid and cranky this will 💯% escalate to cheating. He’s dipping his toe in the water and is a ticking timebomb. You’d be mad to marry him, they don’t change, if anything they get worse.

Hi, so he hasn’t actually physically done anything as far as I know.. which makes it difficult to make a decision on a long term relationship with kids involved. If I knew there was physical action I would 100% leave. Or am I being naive. I don’t know anymore.

This is NOT normal. It is actually completely unacceptable and you need to just dump this guy now as he has no respect for you or your relationship. Guys who make good husbands do not go around getting other women's numbers or flirt with other women. Bet you don't do that with guys you meet. Make this photo be the final straw and do not marry this man. I am sorry as you have two children and it's not easy but you couldn't trust this guy as far as you could throw him. Keep posting here and you will get the support you need .

This is my point - it’s literally the start of cheating!

Ah I see you have kids already. What a dick he is doing this. And picking someone up is physical, he’s getting a kick out of that, escalating it from chat to physical contact. It’s a no from me op, I’d be done

Thank you! I don’t act like that at all, I’m very respectful of our relationship and very careful about how I handle myself. He tried to ask me oh hasn’t a guy ever asked for your number (I said if I am in a relationship and someone asks for my number I say I’m in a relationship, I don’t say I’m single)

So you honestly believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is not snogging these women who are so quick to give him their phone numbers? Come on OP, you know in your heart what is going on!

There is no man on earth who collects womens numbers and then does nothing about it. He's probably shagged anyone who shows an interest.....that is unless he gives them the creeps which is very likely.

this is cheating and it’ll won’t get better only worse!

I’ve always said I don’t think I’m hearing the 100% truth but I also know he likes attention. I don’t think he’d have sex with anyone else but honestly at this point I’m just fed up. It’s just hard to say your ending a relationship without more evidence of what’s actually happened / don’t know if that makes sense?

Sex isn’t the only kind of cheating though. If he’s hanging around bars and snogging women that’s cheating too. I just can’t see any other situation where he would be getting loads of phone numbers if he wasn’t being physical with these women.

What do you mean nothing is ever enough for you to leave him, all this has been well enough for you to tell him to leave, you haven’t because he’s pulling the wool over your eyes and you’re choosing to expect it because then things don’t change, wake up and smell the coffee and tell him to leave I’m sorry but he’s making a total fool of you.

Well i think you are being naive.
I don't think there are many women who, if they are in a supposed monogomous relationship, would tolerate their partner chatting up other women, exchanging numbers, talking about double dates.

And you only have his word for it that he hasn't done anything physical with them. He is only telling you what he can get away with.

He is acting like a single man.
He doesn't respect you and is openly pursing other women.

Normal?! Of course it’s not bloody normal for a man in a relationship to get women’s numbers on nights out. That isn’t a thing. He is chatting up women (and I strongly doubt he’s only chatting them up) on nights out. He is treating you like an absolute mug and leading the social life of a single man.

You’re incredibly naive if you think this is innocent behaviour. Even if he doesn’t use the numbers, he is certainly not getting them without being all over these women and he’s obviously telling them he’s single. You cannot seriously believe this is normal?!

More evidence of what’s happened? How about total and utter disrespect and disregard for you and your family.
I don’t know any man who says he’s single, takes numbers and also gives out his number for no reason.
So you set out your boundaries, he stepped over these boundaries massively (it’s on video) and you’re doing nothing so now he knows you have no boundaries.
Im sorry your partner is doing this to you but you don’t have to take it

If he was happy in his relationship he wouldn’t behave like this.

Girl... Come on. If that woman had said "want to come back to my flat?" do you honestly believe he wouldn't have been there railing her within 5 minutes?

He only "hasn't done anything" because no one has offered yet.

Boundaries aren’t words that you say. They are things you don’t allow. This man has or is looking to cheat and he should have been gone the first time you became aware of it.

Could it be a case of low self esteem? I remember reading this because I now think this is my husband any attention is great to him he's a flipping nightmare. I might be barking up the wrong tree for you but it might be worth a read. I've added a link below.

Although my concern is you have set boundaries and if you don't stick it out then this could escalate and he will walk all over you so realistically don't set boundaries you can't stick with it's the same with kids don't tell them something that you can't actually do or they get the upper hand. I would definitely not be getting married to him he may not have done anything physically it's in his head and it's highly disrespectful to you.

www.heysigmund.com/when-you-love-low-self-esteem/

I’ve never understood this perspective. This man wants to have sex with other people, and has made that very clear. However, as he has yet to (as far as you know) successfully insert his penis into someone else, you’re conflicted?

So, everything leading up to it and anll the unsuccessful attempts, you’re willing to deal with. But the act of coitus itself would be unacceptable and you’d leave?

Why?

It’s just hard to say your ending a relationship without more evidence of what’s actually happened / don’t know if that makes sense?

You aren’t required to argue your case in a court of law. No evidence is necessary. You can end a relationship, unilaterally, at any time, for any reason. You happen to have a good reason.

You are being naive. It won't get any better, it will only get worse.

This is interesting, thank you. The article and point 2 in it is very him actually and I do think he has low self esteem because u don’t think it’s normal to seek attention like that when you are in a relationship. I’ve said leave and be single but says he doesn’t want that but the why act like it when your out, it just doesn’t make sense.

@Cgy this post sums it. You aren't his therapist and you don't need to prove to anyone that there's a good reason for splitting.