Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

51 replies

Cgy · 10/12/2025 23:04

I don’t really know where to start but me and my partner have been together 10 years and have two children. Previously I have found out that when he is on nights out he gets women’s numbers - said he doesn’t do anything with them and if he’s given his number and they message he doesn’t respond. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but about a year and a half ago made my boundaries very clear, you should not be exchanging numbers and acting single when your out. My stance is don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if I was there, I genuinely dont care if he talks to women etc but I made it very clear and set my boundaries. Since then his communication is so much better and he doesn’t go out as much as he used to. BUT a few weeks ago he went out a few nights in one weekend and then a few days after a family member was sent a video of him on a girls Instagram where he dances with her and then there is a photo of him picking her up. This is a huge coincidence that it got back to me as someone who I am mutual friends with vaguely recognised him so that’s how it was flagged up.
We have had a few trust issues in the past but nothing is ever enough for me to leave him (or I haven’t got the proof he isn’t telling the truth).
My issue is crossing my boundary and also saying he’s single and asking for the girls number - again after I have previously made it clear this is a boundary for me. She told him they live to far away and didn’t give her number but apparently he then said oh it’s not that far, we can go on a double date.
We are supposed to be wedding planning next year but this is giving me bad vibes and I just don’t know what to do. This girl is also opposite to me in looks and the whole thing is just making me feel insecure. Any advice would be appreciated, I know there’s worse out there but it just feels like I’m not being respected. We have worked really hard on improving our relationship over the years and we parent very well together but I don’t think I can accept that this is part of my life and I’m also very embarrassed that this has been seen by numerous people I know!

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 11/12/2025 06:32

This is not normal or ok. Surely you realise that?

Seaoftroubles · 11/12/2025 07:09

No of course it's not normal to act like a single man when you have partner and children. He's crossed your boundaries and is treating you with complete disrespect. This has been going on for a long time OP, do not not marry him as despite promises he's not going to change.

perfectcolourfound · 11/12/2025 07:30

I'm really shocked that you are considering this man.

EVEN IF he's never gone any further than exchanging numbers / saying he's single / dancing with and flirting with other women, that way past normal.

He is acting like a single man. He's telling women he's single. He's giving his number to them, and asking for their number. That is all bad enough.

When he's out, you don't exist. His relationship with you doesn't exist. He flirts, acts single, has no respect for you or your family.

I suspect it goes futher than what he's telling you, certainly it would if he had half a chance, and will at some point. You will probably never know, and won't ever be able to trust him. He's shown you very clearly he can't be trusted.

SoScarletItWas · 11/12/2025 07:36

Cgy · 11/12/2025 06:19

This is interesting, thank you. The article and point 2 in it is very him actually and I do think he has low self esteem because u don’t think it’s normal to seek attention like that when you are in a relationship. I’ve said leave and be single but says he doesn’t want that but the why act like it when your out, it just doesn’t make sense.

Show quote history

Do not use this to justify his behaviour - ‘oh poor man, he has low self esteem so needs this validation of flirting with other women and picking them up whilst dancing and of course he is snogging them before asking for their number’.

It’s massively disrespectful to you. The wedding planning would be off and he’d be gone if he did this to me. He’s not even denying it, how much more will you accept?! He’s literally rubbing your face in it.

GreyCarpet · 11/12/2025 07:45

Cgy · 10/12/2025 23:12

Hi, so he hasn’t actually physically done anything as far as I know.. which makes it difficult to make a decision on a long term relationship with kids involved. If I knew there was physical action I would 100% leave. Or am I being naive. I don’t know anymore.

Show quote history

It's highly unlikely that he's doing all this and hasn't at least kissed anyone or touched or stroked them in ways you wouldn't want him too.

And, as is often said, your boundaries are for you and what you will accept. Not ultimatums for other people. If you don't like the way someone behaves in their relationship with you, end the relationship. Don't expect them to change.

LunarEclipser · 11/12/2025 07:47

The thing with boundaries is they’re yours. It’s not about saying, “you can’t do this” it’s about saying, “if you do this, these are the consequences.”

Though you have stated your boundary, he’s crossed it anyway and there’s been no consequence. So he’ll do it again. Clearly loved the attention and sounds like a trophy hunter, collecting numbers from women. (What a shitty thing to do to these women too, I assume he’s pretending to be single and treating them like pawns in his ego game. Much worse how he’s treating you though!)

All you can really do is decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who treats you with such disrespect. I’m not judging, I promise. I’ve been in awful relationships and I stayed because being on my own felt scary. Except when I finally was on my own, it was kind of wonderful being free from all that confusion and emotional fuckwittery.

I wish you luck and a brilliant future. With or without him. I say this a lot on here, but you really do deserve better.

Original poster
Cgy · 11/12/2025 08:19

Sally2791 · 11/12/2025 06:32

This is not normal or ok. Surely you realise that?

I do deep down but the logistics with the kids etc is terrifying. I know i have been disrespected and this time just feels different / you know when that switch goes

OP posts:
Original poster
Cgy · 11/12/2025 08:25

perfectcolourfound · 11/12/2025 07:30

I'm really shocked that you are considering this man.

EVEN IF he's never gone any further than exchanging numbers / saying he's single / dancing with and flirting with other women, that way past normal.

He is acting like a single man. He's telling women he's single. He's giving his number to them, and asking for their number. That is all bad enough.

When he's out, you don't exist. His relationship with you doesn't exist. He flirts, acts single, has no respect for you or your family.

I suspect it goes futher than what he's telling you, certainly it would if he had half a chance, and will at some point. You will probably never know, and won't ever be able to trust him. He's shown you very clearly he can't be trusted.

100% I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with when he’s out I don’t exist!
I’ve felt for a long time that he lives quite a separate social life and I’m quite separate to that. His best friends I’ve only been around a handful of times and that also plays on my mind.
I also know that two people he used to go out with do the same things when they are out and they are married with kids so that also is a major red flag because by knowing and being around that you are comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cgy · 11/12/2025 08:27

GreyCarpet · 11/12/2025 07:45

It's highly unlikely that he's doing all this and hasn't at least kissed anyone or touched or stroked them in ways you wouldn't want him too.

And, as is often said, your boundaries are for you and what you will accept. Not ultimatums for other people. If you don't like the way someone behaves in their relationship with you, end the relationship. Don't expect them to change.

Show quote history

Thank you, this is helpful. You are right, I can’t wait for or expect him to change. I’m a people pleaser and have spent a lot of my life doing things to make other people happy I’ve turned 35 and I’m really fed up of it. Kids are getting older as well so I just feel like now is the time to be strong and stand my ground.

OP posts:
HollyChristmas · 11/12/2025 08:29

summitfever · 10/12/2025 23:11

Once you’re stuck in the house with kids seeming frigid and cranky this will 💯% escalate to cheating. He’s dipping his toe in the water and is a ticking timebomb. You’d be mad to marry him, they don’t change, if anything they get worse.

Edited

First sentence read together 10 years , two kids ! They've done that already .

Isamummy2021 · 11/12/2025 08:35

SoScarletItWas · 11/12/2025 07:36

Do not use this to justify his behaviour - ‘oh poor man, he has low self esteem so needs this validation of flirting with other women and picking them up whilst dancing and of course he is snogging them before asking for their number’.

It’s massively disrespectful to you. The wedding planning would be off and he’d be gone if he did this to me. He’s not even denying it, how much more will you accept?! He’s literally rubbing your face in it.

Show quote history

I agree it might explain it but you should follow through on your boundaries and dump the loser

Original poster
Cgy · 11/12/2025 09:10

LunarEclipser · 11/12/2025 07:47

The thing with boundaries is they’re yours. It’s not about saying, “you can’t do this” it’s about saying, “if you do this, these are the consequences.”

Though you have stated your boundary, he’s crossed it anyway and there’s been no consequence. So he’ll do it again. Clearly loved the attention and sounds like a trophy hunter, collecting numbers from women. (What a shitty thing to do to these women too, I assume he’s pretending to be single and treating them like pawns in his ego game. Much worse how he’s treating you though!)

All you can really do is decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who treats you with such disrespect. I’m not judging, I promise. I’ve been in awful relationships and I stayed because being on my own felt scary. Except when I finally was on my own, it was kind of wonderful being free from all that confusion and emotional fuckwittery.

I wish you luck and a brilliant future. With or without him. I say this a lot on here, but you really do deserve better.

This 😭 thank you so much.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2025 09:26

You do not need any more evidence here and what you already know us enough. You will not be attending a court of law. Re the logistics they may feel terrifying but I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway. Dump this man in the manner he deserves.

He has also used your people pleasing nature to his advantage.

People pleasing often arises from wanting to parent please an emotionally absent parent. Please get therapy for people pleasing going forward because it is a problem that affects your whole life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2025 09:28

And be on your own with your kids. It’s far better than being with some jackass.

Wishimaywishimight · 11/12/2025 09:37

Runrunrudolph · 10/12/2025 23:09

Good heavens OP you can't seriously be going to marry him.when you know he acts like a single man and gets off with other women?

Pretty much this! He has repeatedly ignored your bounderies, he is blatantly disrespectful to you and you are considering tying yourself to him for life? Because there are "worse out there"?

This marriage if you proceed, is doomed. Once he has you 'locked down' he will continue to chat up other women, safe in the knowledge you're not that bothered (you did marry him knowing what he is like) and, in time, he will most likely to make the most of the situation by sleeping with these women and eventually leave you for one of them.

Marry him if you must but you are going in with your eyes wide open.

Happyduck77 · 11/12/2025 09:45

This is not normal at all. Please pause any marriage arrangements as it will just be a mess to get out of if you get married. You need to put down an ultimatum and say it stops or your over. It's not going tonget any better and is a massive sign of disrespect for you. Sending hugs

junebirthdaygirl · 11/12/2025 10:32

Remember if you are not happy with that behaviour that is enough. You do not want to marry a man who carries on like this so don't. You owe it to yourself and your dc to be respected. You don't need anyone else's permission. I don't like what you are doing so OUT!! And make sure he has the children as much as possible so he doesn't go out acting like the teenager he is and leaves you with all the responsibilities.

BeenThereAlready · 11/12/2025 11:24

It is always about their ego. How he feels when he is doing things that you have set a clear boundary about. The excitement. The secrecy. That dopamine rush.
I saw this Tik Tok post: If you show a man you will stay through anything, he will put you through EVERYTHING.

Been there. Done that.
You will end up questioning yourself. Why was I not enough. If I did this or that better he wouldn't have done A B or C. You are enough, and it is not about you. It is always about their selfish desires.
He crossed a boundary, now he has to face the consequences.

If I knew back then what I know now, I would not have married.

Original poster
Cgy · 11/12/2025 12:08

BeenThereAlready · 11/12/2025 11:24

It is always about their ego. How he feels when he is doing things that you have set a clear boundary about. The excitement. The secrecy. That dopamine rush.
I saw this Tik Tok post: If you show a man you will stay through anything, he will put you through EVERYTHING.

Been there. Done that.
You will end up questioning yourself. Why was I not enough. If I did this or that better he wouldn't have done A B or C. You are enough, and it is not about you. It is always about their selfish desires.
He crossed a boundary, now he has to face the consequences.

If I knew back then what I know now, I would not have married.

The marriage thing is massive for me, I know no one goes into it thinking about divorce but my kids are so excited for us to be married and I need it to be 100% the right thing. What gets me is he is someone that mentions respect as being important to him but when it comes to me it’s lost. Thank you, you are so right when you talk about ego! It’s just gross and with the types of girls he’d say he isn’t interested in, but then it always is isn’t it.

OP posts:
MyAmusedPearlSquid · 11/12/2025 16:49

Op honestly asking for girls numbers and acting single on any occasion if it's once twice or three times it doesn't matter he shouldn't have done it and that is the point he won't change he has intent to cheat dump this man just dump him you deserve better for goodness sake

MyMilchick · 11/12/2025 16:53

Cgy · 10/12/2025 23:12

Hi, so he hasn’t actually physically done anything as far as I know.. which makes it difficult to make a decision on a long term relationship with kids involved. If I knew there was physical action I would 100% leave. Or am I being naive. I don’t know anymore.

Show quote history

he's definitely gone further than what he said OP, don't kid yourself

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2025 16:58

Your kids may be excited but you’re not and they being excited too is no reason at all to be marrying this man. It’s not 100 percent right and you know this already. He does this because he can and you let him
because you think he has low self esteem. Do not walk around with mug written on your forehead here.

Dallas1989 · 11/12/2025 17:58

Cgy · 10/12/2025 23:04

I don’t really know where to start but me and my partner have been together 10 years and have two children. Previously I have found out that when he is on nights out he gets women’s numbers - said he doesn’t do anything with them and if he’s given his number and they message he doesn’t respond. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but about a year and a half ago made my boundaries very clear, you should not be exchanging numbers and acting single when your out. My stance is don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if I was there, I genuinely dont care if he talks to women etc but I made it very clear and set my boundaries. Since then his communication is so much better and he doesn’t go out as much as he used to. BUT a few weeks ago he went out a few nights in one weekend and then a few days after a family member was sent a video of him on a girls Instagram where he dances with her and then there is a photo of him picking her up. This is a huge coincidence that it got back to me as someone who I am mutual friends with vaguely recognised him so that’s how it was flagged up.
We have had a few trust issues in the past but nothing is ever enough for me to leave him (or I haven’t got the proof he isn’t telling the truth).
My issue is crossing my boundary and also saying he’s single and asking for the girls number - again after I have previously made it clear this is a boundary for me. She told him they live to far away and didn’t give her number but apparently he then said oh it’s not that far, we can go on a double date.
We are supposed to be wedding planning next year but this is giving me bad vibes and I just don’t know what to do. This girl is also opposite to me in looks and the whole thing is just making me feel insecure. Any advice would be appreciated, I know there’s worse out there but it just feels like I’m not being respected. We have worked really hard on improving our relationship over the years and we parent very well together but I don’t think I can accept that this is part of my life and I’m also very embarrassed that this has been seen by numerous people I know!

He will never change. Don't marry this guy. The longer you stay with him the more painful this behaviour will be. You deserve respect and love

Meteorite87 · 11/12/2025 19:53

Cgy · 10/12/2025 23:27

I’ve always said I don’t think I’m hearing the 100% truth but I also know he likes attention. I don’t think he’d have sex with anyone else but honestly at this point I’m just fed up. It’s just hard to say your ending a relationship without more evidence of what’s actually happened / don’t know if that makes sense?

Show quote history

Even if* it is true he is not doing anything "physical' with these women, you deserve so much better than someone who acts as if he is single.

Sassylovesbooks · 11/12/2025 20:10

Your partner goes out with friends, and once he's left the house, you and your children don't exist for the evening. He tells women he's single, he accepts phone numbers from them, gives them his and is at the very least flirting. If he has no interest in meeting up or messaging these women, then why is he giving them HIS number?????!!! I understand an interested woman giving him their number, he has no control over that. However, he does have control over who he's giving his number too!! So yes, he is interested in these women, otherwise why accept their number?? He's disrespecting you, your relationship and his family. Unfortunately, this type of behaviour can be the start of cheating, at the moment he's just dipping his toe into the water. You have no idea if he's just been flirting or if there's been kissing or any touching. Regardless, he's not very trustworthy is he? Don't marry him, because I think you could be back on here in a short time telling us, that your husband has been having an affair or numerous ONS. He's showing you who he is, please believe him.