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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I would just like to have 'normal' sex

27 replies

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 12:30

My dp and I have been together for four years. We have two young children together.

Our sex life has always been really good, but we never just have normal sex and by that I mean we don't just get into bed and have sex with each other. Its like a planned operation that is now becoming more and more extreme.

If we are going to have sex I can't just be naked (admittedly its not a pretty sight) but I always have to wear 'an outfit' ie a corset, or something PVC . I basically have more filth than I do clothes.

Lately its becoming more extreme. My partner has bought me a riding crop (yes that's right) and is constantly going on about anal sex and wanting to have it.

While I do enjoy some of the games that we play. It would be nice not to have to perform all the time.

What's wrong with a bit of missionary occasionally. And if I don't go along with it. Does that mean he is going to get bored and go looking elsewhere (he's never said that by the way).

I just would like to (god I hate saying) it 'make love' occasionally and not just fuck!

This is serious by the way I'm not taking the piss. Would like some honest advice.

OP posts:

wonderstuff · 10/06/2008 12:32

Can't you talk to him about it? What happens if you take the initiative on 'normal' sex?

amner · 10/06/2008 12:33

Oh Gosh !!!!

Very different to my sex life, we've been happily doing the same thing for 16 years now with no props in sight.

Sorry cant really advise.. a bit out of my depth !

bratnav · 10/06/2008 12:34

You have to talk to your OH about this. Sex is only fab when you both enjoy it, if you need some luuurve as well as the filthy stuff then tell him (gently)

bethoo · 10/06/2008 12:35

have you tried instigating normla sex when not in the bedroom say in the living room when kiddies are in bed just straddling him? that way you are not in an outfit and it is spontaneous?

Molesworth · 10/06/2008 12:35

You need to talk to him about it. It sounds like this isn't about sex per se, more about concerns re: his feelings for you. Is he affectionate the rest of the time?

NomDePlume · 10/06/2008 12:35

you need to tell him about it. Talk to him. It doesn't have to mean the end of all things kinky, but he needs to know that you would like to include some more romantic stuff in your repetoire

Original poster

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 12:36

I wouldn't know how to go about saying anything. I don't know what to say. I think I've let things go to far with all the extreme stuff.

When I do take the initiative it still ends up being a bit on the extreme side. I know everyone has their fetishes. But I can't be doing it all the time. (am too knackered for starters).

I am constantly getting stuff sent through to me in the post that he has bought for me and wants me to wear.

I often think it would be nice for him to spend that money on maybe buying me something to wear outside the house or take me out for dinner or something!

OP posts:

bratnav · 10/06/2008 12:37

Oh and just so you know, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I love the filthy stuff, but asked DP about LM instead (about 18 months into our relationship), we tried it and both loved it for a change of pace. If he cares about you, and you do it tactfully I see no problem, and you should both end up with what you want and need.

Original poster

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 12:40

Don't get me wrong. I do really enjoy it I would just like it to be a bit more gentle once in awhile.

I have never enjoyed sex before I met my partner (was never able to have an orgasm) and have enjoyed 'pushing the boundaries' etc. but I'm not sure how much further it can go.

He is affectionate but is very quiet a lot of the time. Doesn't talk about his feelings alot. I think this is his way of expressing them.

OP posts:

wonderstuff · 10/06/2008 12:41

Can't you just say 'look I really enjoy our sex life but could we try..' When does he bring up his desires? Could you counter with 'sounds great, but you know what I would like to try for a change'???

NotDoingTheHousework · 10/06/2008 12:41

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NotDoingTheHousework · 10/06/2008 12:42

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Original poster

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 12:44

Our relationship is really good and I do really enjoy the sex even the extreme stuff. I like being a bit dominating gets out my frustation about some aspects of my life.

I really do love him very much. He never talks about what he likes to do. He just kind of guides me into it with the things that he buys. I've also seen some of the porn that he has looked at before. Its quite fetishy and a lot of S&M.

Put it this way I think he likes 'being punished for being a bad boy'.!!

God I feel like a tit!

OP posts:

queenrollo · 10/06/2008 12:57

you need to broach this with him.....the sex in my previous relationship became increasingly about all the things you mentioned and less about just lovemaking. There were other problems in the relationship but i think we tried to 'fix' it with the dressing up etc and lost sight of the fact we just weren't in love anymore. (like i say there were other problems, and they were responsible for the breakdown of the relationship)
With my new partner we talk openly about all aspects of sex and our desires.....and i have now realised i never made love with my ex in 14 years....the relationship was founded on lust and when that dwindled it became about playing games in the bedroom instead. My new partner and i have found a happy balance of fun in the bedroom and very close, affectionate (and i have to say emotionally intense) lovemaking too.
I understand where you are coming from when you say you enjoy what you are doing with him, but that you need to balance it out with something more gentle and emotional.

Original poster

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 13:21

I will talk to him.

Not sure how to broach it though. We are so snippy with each other at the moment. Even though our relationship is good. The baby is not sleeping through and we are having the neverending argument about who is the most tired.

I also want to get married but that's a whole other kettle of fish (he won't).

OP posts:

ipanemagirl · 10/06/2008 13:37

honeybee, it sounds like you have in many ways a really good relatioship. But both sides of the relationship should find the sex congenial imho! You need to have some boundaries too, otherwise it's just about power imo.

I think maybe you need to assert your needs more. Maybe dominate him into some more affectionate behaviour?

Also however scared you are, marriages where couples can't talk honestly to each other are vulnerable. You need to be honest with him so he has a chance to address this. You don't have to denigrate his likes but if you say you want some different things and more affection generally he may well be delighted to oblige. Maybe he could give you a massage or something? Just say you'd like to choose the pace/wardrobe/atmos for a change?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2008 13:40

Honeybee,

Re your comment:-

"Not sure how to broach it though. We are so snippy with each other at the moment. Even though our relationship is good. The baby is not sleeping through and we are having the neverending argument about who is the most tired. I also want to get married but that's a whole other kettle of fish (he won't)".

Your relationship whilst you may think it good on the surface has got definate problems underneath and these will magnify further if they are not addressed now.

Who is the most tired sounds almost competitive in nature - look, I would patiently explain that you and he are both tired and besides which its not a blooming contest!!.

Would you both consider Relate or somesuch relationship counselling?. BTW if he is not willing to go, go on your own. There are some issues in your relationship (not least of all communication) that you both need to work on. Both of you may feel happier as a result.

Why is he not willing to get married?. Has he talked to you at any length why this is?. That in itself can be very problematic particularly if one person wants marriage and the other does not; this can be a dealbreaker in its own right. At the very least I think he needs to seriously consider your own views on the subject.

Iklboo · 10/06/2008 13:42

Much sympathy - my ex was like this. I went along with it at first cos I was young & naive but gradually it wore me down and made me feel worthless

Just to cheer you up:

Say you'll have anal sex this weekend and then you go out and buy a strap on. Feign surprise and say "oh, sorry, you meant me on the receiving end? Sorry, no way"

Thrash the arse off him with the riding crop so hard he'll put it in the bin

Ask him to dress up wee jimmy krankie cos it does it for ya

nickytwotimes · 10/06/2008 13:45

iklboo, pmsl!

Honeybee, i can see why it would get a bit much after a while. Also, as you say, it will only continue to escalate. I agree, that this is symptomatic of other factors in your relationship. Nothing wrong with being a bit kinky from time to time, but an intimate couple should be able to have lazy sex too.

sallystrawberry · 10/06/2008 13:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FioFio · 10/06/2008 13:46

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Original poster

honeybee101 · 10/06/2008 13:46

We have both been married before, I was in an abusive (physical and mental) relationship with my ex-husband for six years. He was in a marriage that just came to an end (not much animosity etc. between them).

His parents have seven failed marriages between them! His sister is divorced also.

He just does not have a high opinion of marriage. He says he loves me, would do anything for me wants to spend the rest of our lives together says we don't need marriage to do that. we have children that's more of a commitment etc. etc.

I understand all that I do. I would like to get married because I feel that it would make me secure. I need security after the way that my exhusband was with me. He did some terrible things and I feel like I'm quite a needy person. I need to feel loved above everything else.

This thread is turning into something else now. I think!

OP posts:

ipanemagirl · 10/06/2008 13:51

Honeybee, I tried to answer you OP below. I just think you need to assert yourself in the broom too.
Equality can flow out of the bedroom ime!

noddyholder · 10/06/2008 13:52

I think your lack of self confidence and what happened in your previous relationship is making you accept less in this one.You have every right to be able to ask for what you want sexually just as he has The difference is he has his met you don't!I agree you need to talk and not ask him but tell him

Iklboo · 10/06/2008 13:57

Honeybee - joking aside, my ex was physically & mentally abusive too. He finally left me after 14 years for someone he met on the internet. I was with him from age 14-28 and all that time he told me I was fat, ugly, useless, no-one else would want me, I was thick (the only insult I didn't beleieve cos I knew I was more intelligent than him).
I still have very low self esteem, can't see why DH wanted to marry me and worry that he'll run off with someone slimmer, prettier.

The difference is DH loves me for who I am. He has helped me get some confidence - enough to start a diploma and go for 2 job promotions

You need to sit your DP down for a talk & explain how you feel. He might think you enjoy all the stuff you do and he might be getting worried that he's not satisfying you unless you do something kinky?

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