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Original poster

Issues with ex coming between us

31 replies

Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 13:23

NC for this.

DP has DD (6). We have been together 4 years. I have my own DD (16). Since we got together (I was not OW) his ex has made things very difficult for him to see SD.

Lots of back and forth, emails, arguments at drop off etc. awful things said about me and my DD, rumours spread and his ex has even manipulated his family into siding with her (saying she will move to another country wot their only GC if they don’t side with her etc)

As a result DP and I are NC with his family (they also said some awful untrue things about me and him).

There is now a Child Arrangement Order (CAO). His ex has still tried to complicate this with changing dates, drop off points, times etc but we have accepted this so that he can see his DD.

Now she seems to have switched to tell SD awful things about us in an attempt to sabotage SD’s relationship with us, somethings are truly age appropriately terrifying such as we have an evil man in our loft to she has no money because ‘daddy left us for Xxx’ all untrue, all deeply distressing.

SS don’t seem to care, we reported it as emotional abuse and they went out but nothing happened and tbh seemed to make things worse as she then told SD that I was trying to get her taken away from her etc

we sent a letter advising her it was damaging, she responded via email to say that she will tell her DD the ‘truth’ about us and no further action was taken.

No grounds under the CAO because she is keeping to it (barely) and SS did not seem to think it was a safeguarding concern.

what else can we do? Our time with SD is marred by her crying, telling us horrible things we have supposedly done to her mum or her, being scared of things in our house etc and it’s massively taking its toll on DP and our relationship.

We are so worried about the impact this is having on SD and her relationship with us. But feel powerless.

OP posts:
SquareHead37 · 09/12/2025 13:47

This will be an unpopular opinion but I would consider how the child is being affected by this contact. It’s not your fault or her fault but the contact is incredibly harmful to her and no professional is going to step in.

Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to step away.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 16:02

Could your partner tell his ex that he will only see his daughter without you and this will hopefully calm everything down? I know others will say, why let her win, but the child needs to come first.
I would love to hear the other side, its a massive thing his family losing contact.
Poor kid.

Cornelire · 09/12/2025 16:11

I would switch all communications to a court approved messaging app for co parenting such as https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/ or any of the others out there. It has a calendar as well I believe. I haven't used this personally but I have heard about it being used when crazy kicks off.

I would consider a third party drop off/collection person and location so that no thing can be said face to face and that whatever she says it not passed on to you. You only use the app to communicate. Only respond to messages about this poor child. Ignore everything else, grey rock it. There is a saying, never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. She clearly likes the conflict she creates so remove the conflict. You cannot control what she does only what your response is.

I would also inform school so that they are aware of the situation. Under the SEND umbrella should be Social Emotional and Mental Health staff who can help her navigate this because it has to be affecting her school work.

Example of the OurFamilyWizard mobile app for co-parents

Tools for Conflict Free Co-Parenting | OurFamilyWizard

OurFamilyWizard is a comprehensive application to solve shared parenting challenges once and for all.

https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk

Thisistyresome · 09/12/2025 16:40

What is the CAO? Is it 50%?

If you have her 50% of the time you could ask about it being 1 week on 1 week off. It is likely that if this behaviour is having an impact short visits where the DD can be wound up in advance and then debriefed to consider it negative after. If it is long stretches that is harder to do,

Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:28

SquareHead37 · 09/12/2025 13:47

This will be an unpopular opinion but I would consider how the child is being affected by this contact. It’s not your fault or her fault but the contact is incredibly harmful to her and no professional is going to step in.

Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to step away.

The other week DP was so exasperated with it he did say that it may be kinder to just not see her and have the door always open for her but he loves SD and wants to be part of her life

OP posts:
Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:30

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 16:02

Could your partner tell his ex that he will only see his daughter without you and this will hopefully calm everything down? I know others will say, why let her win, but the child needs to come first.
I would love to hear the other side, its a massive thing his family losing contact.
Poor kid.

It’s not really practical she is with us 3 nights a week and his home is here as is SD’s bedroom and all her things, he couldn’t take her to a hotel etc while he has her. Equally this is my house too, so I don’t feel as though I should move out with my DD when she comes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:32

Cornelire · 09/12/2025 16:11

I would switch all communications to a court approved messaging app for co parenting such as https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/ or any of the others out there. It has a calendar as well I believe. I haven't used this personally but I have heard about it being used when crazy kicks off.

I would consider a third party drop off/collection person and location so that no thing can be said face to face and that whatever she says it not passed on to you. You only use the app to communicate. Only respond to messages about this poor child. Ignore everything else, grey rock it. There is a saying, never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. She clearly likes the conflict she creates so remove the conflict. You cannot control what she does only what your response is.

I would also inform school so that they are aware of the situation. Under the SEND umbrella should be Social Emotional and Mental Health staff who can help her navigate this because it has to be affecting her school work.

Thank you. They do use an app suggested at medication but she is rogue and will email and call however she wants, she uses the app to made allegations about us and then will respond to our letter by email so that it isn’t recorded. It’s a mess tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:34

Thisistyresome · 09/12/2025 16:40

What is the CAO? Is it 50%?

If you have her 50% of the time you could ask about it being 1 week on 1 week off. It is likely that if this behaviour is having an impact short visits where the DD can be wound up in advance and then debriefed to consider it negative after. If it is long stretches that is harder to do,

We have SD 3 nights per week rotated to some mid week and weekends and some the full weekend.

At mediation it was agreed 50/50, then as soon as they ended that she started to withhold contact and change the plan hence why it went to court and after 2 hearings they agreed 3 nights per week. As her petition was 1 night every other week, but the court advised her this was unreasonable. It’s been such a long exhausting battle tbh.

OP posts:
Cornelire · 09/12/2025 18:34

I'd copy paste what she wrote in the email into the app to have a copy of it there with details of the day it was sent and the time. Play her at her own game.

Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:36

Cornelire · 09/12/2025 18:34

I'd copy paste what she wrote in the email into the app to have a copy of it there with details of the day it was sent and the time. Play her at her own game.

That is a good idea tbh. As it was clear she was acknowledging that she didn’t care the impact on SD and would be continuing the behaviour. However we did tell SS we had this email and sent it to them but tbh it hasn’t changed anything. Not saying they didn’t warn her about it but it didn’t change it, in fact it’s got worse the last 6 weeks or so

OP posts:
Cornelire · 09/12/2025 18:39

I'd be tempted to copy paste that one in particular, not just the stuff she messages going forward. Very sad that she knows she is hurting her child. It is all evidence your partner can use further down the line if he feels he can go back to court.

Definitely consider 3rd party handover if possible.

PInkyStarfish · 09/12/2025 18:41

Ultimately your boyfriend chose to have a baby with this woman. Then they split when the child was just two years of age.

If this woman is doing all of these awful things then he must have had an inkling when he hit with her and knew her for at least two years before bringing a child into the world with her.

He needs to address his poor choices and decisions he made in the past to work out what is best for the child.

That may include using his savings to facilitate staying elsewhere whilst seeing his child until the child is old enough not to be poisoned by the mother.

The root of all this tawdry behaviour lies squarely at his feet.

PauliesWalnuts · 09/12/2025 18:45

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BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:01

Surely the 'evil man living in the loft' story could be used as evidence she's mentally unstable. Psychotic even? If you have it in writing your husband could use it against her in court.

At sixteen the girl should be allowed to make her own decisions about how much she sees either parent. What is her take on all of this?

Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 19:07

BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:01

Surely the 'evil man living in the loft' story could be used as evidence she's mentally unstable. Psychotic even? If you have it in writing your husband could use it against her in court.

At sixteen the girl should be allowed to make her own decisions about how much she sees either parent. What is her take on all of this?

The 16 yr old is my child. His DD is 6.

she hasn’t put that in writing she just tells little SD these things

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:13

Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 19:07

The 16 yr old is my child. His DD is 6.

she hasn’t put that in writing she just tells little SD these things

Show quote history

Gawd I'm so sorry. I misread it that they both were 16! She sounds unhinged to say that tbh regardless of the child's age!

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 19:29

It's very sad he is thinking of not seeing her, im not sure how any parent could think that. I think he has difficult decisions to make. Def not blaming you, its a shit situation but ultimately the child has to come first.

SquareHead37 · 09/12/2025 20:05

Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:28

The other week DP was so exasperated with it he did say that it may be kinder to just not see her and have the door always open for her but he loves SD and wants to be part of her life

Show quote history

Professionals will not take this seriously.

As a child I was severely emotionally abused before and after any contact with a parent. I’ve never really forgiven any of them for it, not the parent who abused me nor the parent who continued the visits knowing there would be consequences for me that I was not equipped to deal with.

In my own family I have had to step away from a similar situation and people have judged me suggesting I take legal action. I won’t be doing this. I won’t put a child through hostile handovers or have them emotionally abused for seeing me. I’m an adult and I’ve found that parent hostile and intimidating, and I would not want to be their small child dealing with their rage after a visit.

It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship with a child who’s been marinated in hatred and who is punished for seeing you.

Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 20:07

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 19:29

It's very sad he is thinking of not seeing her, im not sure how any parent could think that. I think he has difficult decisions to make. Def not blaming you, its a shit situation but ultimately the child has to come first.

I totally get that.

I feel for her so much when she is sobbing because she is scared or when she says to me things like ‘my mummy says you are horrible but I don’t think you are, it’s impossible to decide’ she knows wayy to much for a child of her age and it’s awful to put her in this position.

I don’t have a great coparenting relationship with my DD’s dad but we have always been respectful of each other and never said anything negative about the other parent.

OP posts:
racierach · 09/12/2025 20:29

Can you get her to speak to someone at school. An emotional support program. A TA.
let her share all this so that school have to make referral to children services again
at the moment it’s mum says and dad says. You need her to report all this to school.

Thisistyresome · 10/12/2025 06:18

Longanddrawnout · 09/12/2025 18:34

We have SD 3 nights per week rotated to some mid week and weekends and some the full weekend.

At mediation it was agreed 50/50, then as soon as they ended that she started to withhold contact and change the plan hence why it went to court and after 2 hearings they agreed 3 nights per week. As her petition was 1 night every other week, but the court advised her this was unreasonable. It’s been such a long exhausting battle tbh.

Show quote history

It may be worth seeing if you can get a change to 1 week on 1 week off. If you show the behaviour and suggest that the extended periods should reduce conflict and stress on the child a court may be open to that idea.

You could also ask that she is ordered to only communicate via the app or lawyer to lawyer. This should be an easy order as other communication can be harassing. Then block other means. If she then continues to use other means against the courts intentions you can escalate the containment to shut down her outlets for this behaviour.

Bunnymcgee · 10/12/2025 06:31

Have you spoken to her school about your concerns? If they are aware then they will start to notice and record things that are worrying and it can form a bigger picture. If they dont know your concerns then something that might be a big red flag can be easily dismissed as a child's imagination (for example if she were to say, "my dad has someone in his loft," they might just think it's a silly story she's making up or that her dad has a friend staying or something but if they know there are damaging things being told to her then they will ask more questions and record anything concerning). They could also potentially get her emotional support, otherwise I would consider looking into age appropriate therapy such as play therapy for her during her time with you. This would be another place where worrying statements would be recorded. SS are more likely to take it seriously if concerns are also coming from the school and/or a qualified therapist.

Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 10/12/2025 07:49

Thisistyresome · 10/12/2025 06:18

It may be worth seeing if you can get a change to 1 week on 1 week off. If you show the behaviour and suggest that the extended periods should reduce conflict and stress on the child a court may be open to that idea.

You could also ask that she is ordered to only communicate via the app or lawyer to lawyer. This should be an easy order as other communication can be harassing. Then block other means. If she then continues to use other means against the courts intentions you can escalate the containment to shut down her outlets for this behaviour.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you. I am geared up to do anything to make the situation easier, unfortunately DP is so beaten down by it currently he is just sad about it and I can see why, but it is frustrating. He is also so careful ‘not to rock the boat’ because his ex has threatened everyone with the fact she will take SD to another country to live. I don’t actually believe she will. I have family overseas and it isn’t as easy as just upping and leaving with a small child to start a new life, new language etc but then I don’t live in fear my DD will be taken away so I can’t entirely relate (which causes the most friction between me and DP because I want to be pragmatic and try and help, DP says I have no compassion for the situation and then we argue about it, it’s exhausting tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Longanddrawnout · 10/12/2025 07:51

Bunnymcgee · 10/12/2025 06:31

Have you spoken to her school about your concerns? If they are aware then they will start to notice and record things that are worrying and it can form a bigger picture. If they dont know your concerns then something that might be a big red flag can be easily dismissed as a child's imagination (for example if she were to say, "my dad has someone in his loft," they might just think it's a silly story she's making up or that her dad has a friend staying or something but if they know there are damaging things being told to her then they will ask more questions and record anything concerning). They could also potentially get her emotional support, otherwise I would consider looking into age appropriate therapy such as play therapy for her during her time with you. This would be another place where worrying statements would be recorded. SS are more likely to take it seriously if concerns are also coming from the school and/or a qualified therapist.

Yes. The school are aware. She has a well being lady that takes her out of class once a week to check on her etc but they have said she is happy in school, no concerns.

OP posts:
Mariocatgran · 10/12/2025 07:55

13 years of it now she has a new partner i thought it would calm down but nope still going and there's a GS now to go o about as he is in our care and she cant deal with that and keeps says he my GS im his nana iI know that as I go by my 1st name to the wee guy my head bursts when she gets in touch