Issues with ex coming between us

[Longanddrawnout]

NC for this.

DP has DD (6). We have been together 4 years. I have my own DD (16). Since we got together (I was not OW) his ex has made things very difficult for him to see SD.

Lots of back and forth, emails, arguments at drop off etc. awful things said about me and my DD, rumours spread and his ex has even manipulated his family into siding with her (saying she will move to another country wot their only GC if they don’t side with her etc)

As a result DP and I are NC with his family (they also said some awful untrue things about me and him).

There is now a Child Arrangement Order (CAO). His ex has still tried to complicate this with changing dates, drop off points, times etc but we have accepted this so that he can see his DD.

Now she seems to have switched to tell SD awful things about us in an attempt to sabotage SD’s relationship with us, somethings are truly age appropriately terrifying such as we have an evil man in our loft to she has no money because ‘daddy left us for Xxx’ all untrue, all deeply distressing.

SS don’t seem to care, we reported it as emotional abuse and they went out but nothing happened and tbh seemed to make things worse as she then told SD that I was trying to get her taken away from her etc

we sent a letter advising her it was damaging, she responded via email to say that she will tell her DD the ‘truth’ about us and no further action was taken.

No grounds under the CAO because she is keeping to it (barely) and SS did not seem to think it was a safeguarding concern.

what else can we do? Our time with SD is marred by her crying, telling us horrible things we have supposedly done to her mum or her, being scared of things in our house etc and it’s massively taking its toll on DP and our relationship.

We are so worried about the impact this is having on SD and her relationship with us. But feel powerless.

I would look around and see if he has any peers who he could discuss with. It may be that someone who is a bit more removed from the situation can help him think more clearly. Especially if there is a friend who is level headed and aware of these things.

Her threats to abduct DD (which is legally what taking a child and running off to another country would be) needs to also be addressed. Is there written evidence of this? Would others be willing to be witnesses that this has been threatened?

I would suggest that any action taken needs to be “one and done” and it needs to look like the most common sense situation to a court. So it would need to be all matters in one. Swapping to 1 week on 1 week off could be shown to half the number of hand overs and changes for DD creating stability, a normal choice for a court to order. Then requiring all communication to be via app would be totally reasonable and completely normal. Then ask for an order to say the child is not to be permanently removed from the country, and to even take abroad set conditions. This is totally reasonable even if it would not normally need to be explicitly stated.

Hopefully that would reassure him and his family that she won’t abduct her. It would stop her being taken to all the English speaking countries, Europe and many more. It may also stop her threatening it. If she repeatedly threatens to abduct a child and violate court orders that matter should be pointed to social services and is hard for them to ignore (make sure you know the names of every individual who is notified).

How could you step away when the mother is so damaging to the child?

I’d tell her that you will only be responding to anything in the app from now on and that anything outside that, you will be copying on to the app and replying from there.

What an awful situation for the child from her mum, I wish you luck as I have no idea how to resolve it when your dealing with a mum like this.

If you can afford it, I think a child psychologist or play therapist might be helpful. Said person could also gather professional information about the effect the mother is having on your sd

I would just walk away from this tbh. It’s too damaging for the child whether it’s because her mum thinks you were the OW and that’s why she’s behaving this way.. I’m not sure. She doesn’t sound like a great mother that’s for sure. But either way, this must be awful on the little girl and I think the mature thing to do would just be walk away from this relationship, you don’t need the stress.

I think he needs to find the extra will to fight for his child. She is scaring the child, issuing threats of all sorts and general psycho behaviour; so he should go for custody.
That's what he needs ro do, instead of considering stepping away. He's an equal parent! Where is he stepping away to, leaving his child with a crazy parent?