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Original poster

Online dating 'local' boundary

44 replies

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 05:19

Quite a few times I have had men tell me I am weird or get annoyed (even semi-hostile a couple of times) if I say that I won't consider engaging in any sexual conversations unless they live locally.
Obviously before or after that there is the standard compatibility checks, and if all good including living locally, its open topics.
Is this a weird boundary to set?

OP posts:
DramaQueenlady · 09/12/2025 05:53

Why would you have a sexual conversation with someone you've nevertheless met. Regardless of where they stay!

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:39

@DramaQueenlady with online dating it can happen organically over time. The vast majority of matches are bots or men who:

  • send unexpected and unwanted D pics
  • have a one track mind: sex
  • suck at communication (eg. "how was your day?" EVERY day)
But there are the times you match with someone respectful that you can develop a connection with over time and after weeks or months of getting to know each other, desire for each other can build. It can be how some LDR's start. Basically, my boundary is to stop an LDR before it can start.
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/12/2025 06:50

One of the things I learned over quite a long time doing various sorts of OLD is to stop engaging with men who show even the slightest flash of anger or annoyance. About anything. If they can’t keep their temper when just exchanging a few fun messages they can’t be trusted imo.

I also learned not to be messaging men over ‘weeks and months’ without meeting. That included a longish period of casual sex dating. The ones I messaged over months were generally either people who had good reason not to meet up, were doing it for fantasy purposes, or who had very strange sexual wishes. If you like the fantasy yourself, fill your boots, but I wasn’t in it for that.

ZebraPyjamas · 09/12/2025 06:53

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:39

@DramaQueenlady with online dating it can happen organically over time. The vast majority of matches are bots or men who:

  • send unexpected and unwanted D pics
  • have a one track mind: sex
  • suck at communication (eg. "how was your day?" EVERY day)
But there are the times you match with someone respectful that you can develop a connection with over time and after weeks or months of getting to know each other, desire for each other can build. It can be how some LDR's start. Basically, my boundary is to stop an LDR before it can start.

Do you mean over weeks and months of “knowing” each other online only?

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:54

@PermanentTemporary I fully agree with both your points. Any anger or annoyance is met with instant blocking.

I made that mistake once and learnt from it. It is not something I want to do again, hence the boundary.

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 06:55

Why do you even keep talking to the long distance matches?

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:56

@ZebraPyjamas in my instance it was a man I met during a flight between Los Angeles and Seattle when I was visiting the US, so we had met briefly initially. But we then started chatting online for months beyond that meeting.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:57

@Squishedpassenger I am saying I don't. You are not reading what I am saying.

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:05

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 06:57

@Squishedpassenger I am saying I don't. You are not reading what I am saying.

Yes I have. You said that:

  1. you match with a guy.
  2. start talking
  3. over time, this may turn sexual (it doesn't start sexual)

I am asking how you'd get past step 1 if the person is LD. But let's say they slip through somehow, why would you not halt things at step 2? You are looking for a local partner, and these guys have been established as not local. Why isn't all contact ending there?

My guess is that you do keep talking to some guys who are LD but more for the company/something to do. You just don't want to have sexual talk with these guys. That's confusing for them though and not why they are on OLD sites. They assume that continuing the conversation means you are open to things turning sexual, like you are with local guys.

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:18

@Squishedpassenger You are assuming I was talking about personal experiences, of which I have made the mistake of doing once as per my response to @ZebraPyjamas. I was answering @DramaQueenlady in a more general sense, hence stating that's how LDR's can occur. Sometimes these conversations can occur.

So regardless of whether you have met them first or not, online relationships do form. I have a girlfriend who met her boyfriend through a game. It is unconventional, but can happen.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/12/2025 07:20

Maybe stick to Tinder? I never used it, because I never wanted to meet anybody local to me.

Owly11 · 09/12/2025 07:21

You need to stick with your boundaries and notice the behaviour of the man in response to them. Anything other than respect for them is a sign to move on fast. That's the beauty of boundaries, it helps you stop wasting time with people who aren't a good match. Why are you questioning your boundaries just because some men don't like it?

Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:23

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:18

@Squishedpassenger You are assuming I was talking about personal experiences, of which I have made the mistake of doing once as per my response to @ZebraPyjamas. I was answering @DramaQueenlady in a more general sense, hence stating that's how LDR's can occur. Sometimes these conversations can occur.

So regardless of whether you have met them first or not, online relationships do form. I have a girlfriend who met her boyfriend through a game. It is unconventional, but can happen.

I don't think many women my age meet friends or dates through online gaming. That's why I assumed you meant OLD. The closest I can think of is when a couple of mutual friends met at our anniversary party and added each other on Facebook. They kept talking there and then started seeing each other. She moved up to Manchester from London about 2 years later.

Elektra1 · 09/12/2025 07:23

Surely if your objective is you don’t want a LDR, the boundary is “I won’t date someone who doesn’t live close to me”? A separate boundary would be “won’t chat to/date anyone who sends dick pics or tries to engage in sex chat before we’ve even met”.

Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:24

Oh im not mad, the title says online dating.

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:28

@Elektra1 of course that is a boundary, but it's not the boundary I was curious about, hence the post.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:29

@Squishedpassenger correct, that is what the title says. People chatting over a game is online. I see that falling into the bucket of online dating.

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:33

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:29

@Squishedpassenger correct, that is what the title says. People chatting over a game is online. I see that falling into the bucket of online dating.

I disgree. If I play words with friends or COD and get talking to someone enough to build a relationship with them, it doesn't mean that playing WWF or COD is online dating. Online dating refers to specific sites and apps that are designed to match people together for romantic and/or sexual pursuits.

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:35

@Squishedpassenger thats fine if you disagree.

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:36

TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:35

@Squishedpassenger thats fine if you disagree.

I think more people will agree with me than you.

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 07:54

Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:36

I think more people will agree with me than you.

Show quote history

Okay, thanks for your opinion.

OP posts:
IsPostingAGoodIdea · 09/12/2025 07:56

I assumed you were talking about online dating apps rather than chatting online while gaming.

On the former I wouldn’t chat at all unless local enough to meet.
On the latter I might chat as friends but nothing more as know nothing about them & likely to not live close.
I therefore think your boundary is reasonable. Not really sure why chat would turn sexual while online gaming but I don’t game so it’s not a world I know.

Original poster
TwilightSky · 09/12/2025 08:02

@IsPostingAGoodIdea thank you for a respectful response. I like your username btw. Very appropriate 😂

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 09/12/2025 08:24

IsPostingAGoodIdea · 09/12/2025 07:56

I assumed you were talking about online dating apps rather than chatting online while gaming.

On the former I wouldn’t chat at all unless local enough to meet.
On the latter I might chat as friends but nothing more as know nothing about them & likely to not live close.
I therefore think your boundary is reasonable. Not really sure why chat would turn sexual while online gaming but I don’t game so it’s not a world I know.

The reason chat turns sexual through online gaming is because ultimately any man chatting to a woman he ‘meets’ online is after sex chat. Some play the long game. Some get angry if it doesn’t happen quickly (as OP has noticed). Best not to engage them at all unless you are also looking for sex chat with a stranger imho!

Brightbluesomething · 09/12/2025 08:25

Surely it should be don’t have sexual conversations with strangers online? If you want a relationship, meet them in person before it turns sexual. Because once it does that’s likely all they want.