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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trapped at Xmas

48 replies

Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 13:36

Apologies,but this might be quite long.
I just feel so full of sorrow and heaviness this Christmas time.
Every Christmas I promise myself that this is going to be last Christmas with my "D"P . But nothing changes .
I'm F 30 and M45. Have 2 DC 9 and 6. Partner is emotionally unavailable and very academic type. At first when I was younger I was attracted by his seriousness and intelligence. We got together ,not married .
Over the years it feels like he's sucked d all the joy and youthfullness out of me .
I feel bad for saying this. He is very critical of everything and doesn't like to celebrate any occasions. Doesn't get me any presents or surprises . Is very negative and critical. Doesn't allow dcs go trick or treating or sleepovers. No birthday parties . In his words it's all nonsense and unnecessary. He wants dcs to read books and doesn't let them have TV . I know he wants the best for them but it feels suffocating.
I've tried many times talking to him . Explained how I feel . He says he understands but doesn't agree with me .
We don't do anything together as he is very busy with work and spends all his free time reading or watching documentaries on his laptop.
I want to leave but don't know how . I am working part time and about 10k in debt . Partner is very stingy and only buys books for dcs as everything else is unnecessary. I pay for food shopping and all the things children need . He gets angry if I take them to cinema or Lego land for a treat .
DCs are closer to me and come to me more as their dad is not interested.
Sorry for this ,I need help to leave

OP posts:
ButWhysTheRumGone · 08/12/2025 13:40

I’m so sorry. Please phone Women’s Aid and they will help you formulate a safe plan and offer support and advice. It can take a fair few attempts to get through but in my experience it was worth keeping trying them. I wish you a future full of happiness with your dc away from this horrible man.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Are you experiencing domestic abuse? You are not alone. Find out how the National Domestic Abuse helpline can support you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

RoachFish · 08/12/2025 13:41

Do you have any support from elsewhere? Is there anyone you and the kids could move in with whilst you sort out the practicalities? Although it sounds like you live completely seperate lives anyway, maybe stay another year, up your hours to full-time, pay off you debts and then move out when you have better opportunities to rent somewhere.

Original poster
Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 13:53

Part of me thinks I am being ungrateful and he would be upset if he found out that I want to leave . He hasn't hit me and provides for family and we can have good life . I haven't got many friends but they and my parents absolutely adore him and if I mention my unhappiness my mum tells me I am ungrateful. All my family live abroad .
I've considered even having affair just to feel close to somebody. But can't bring myself to do it .
Feels like I am loving with someone who's 80
But feel so guilty saying that

OP posts:
moggeemum · 08/12/2025 14:01

Hello OP - I’m so sorry - you sound lovely and just because someone is not physically violent towards you doesn’t mean that there isn’t an abusive situation. He is controlling you financially and cutting you and your children off from friendships. I second contacting women’s aid even if you do decide to stay for longer.

RoachFish · 08/12/2025 14:06

I don't think you are ungrateful but I think you might have to play the long game here to come out on top. You need to sort out your finances first of all. You need to earn more and pay off the debt you have. With a healthy financial position comes all the freedom you need to live the life you want to. What's your current living situation? Do you rent, jointly own something, or is the home his only?

You have a big age difference and he sounds unusually old for his age so your feelings aren't off at all, but don't have an afair that will not solve anything. You need freedom, not drama.

Original poster
Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 14:10

Thanks for advice . Will have to build myself up contacting women's aid .
Unfortunately I don't think increasing my work hours would be a good idea ,as he would be even more angry and negative.
Main problem is finding somewhere to live and have courage to leave.
I've mentioned separating before and he said that that would destroy our children's lifes amd some statistics. Everything is about numbers to him.

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 08/12/2025 14:16

He's not providing if he won't even pay for the food. You have to find your anger, as they say. You and the DC are entitled more than crumbs. Why do YOU have a debt, if you are raising the DC who belong to both? I think until you change your mindset (sorry that sounds motivational coach but it's true) you won't change things.

Once you start to see things differently, make him pay for more things (he may get angry, so what?). Consider the possibility of getting married - find out if it will help down the line. Start thinking like an entitled straight white man, like your "D"P does.

AnonAnonmystery · 08/12/2025 14:19

Dear @Helloworld91 , your post made me so sad that you and your dc are deprived of happy moments.
I did not want to read and run but please read up on emotional abuse. I like the others believe you need to contact women’s aid ( it’s ok to build yourself up to this, don’t feel pressured by the thread but keep posting for support ) xx

RoachFish · 08/12/2025 14:22

Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 14:10

Thanks for advice . Will have to build myself up contacting women's aid .
Unfortunately I don't think increasing my work hours would be a good idea ,as he would be even more angry and negative.
Main problem is finding somewhere to live and have courage to leave.
I've mentioned separating before and he said that that would destroy our children's lifes amd some statistics. Everything is about numbers to him.

It doesn't really matter if will get even more negative. You need to focus on what's best for you and your children in the long run, and worry a lot less about what he wants you to do. He is already financailly abusing you and him being angry because you need to make a living is just one part of it. You need to get to a position where you can afford to look after yourself and your kids on your own. If you continue on this path you will be even more in dept next year and even further away from being able to leave. It needs to get harder before it gets easier, but please put yourself first.

Deliberations · 08/12/2025 14:28

@Helloworld91 - IN short - life shouldn't be this hard. If you've already voiced your issues to your Husband, you've hinted at leaving and he hasn't changed. He never will change. From your post he doesn't sound abusive but that doens't mean he isn't making you miserable. You dont need to put up with feeling miserable.

There is no good time to leave a relationship and get divorced - and it wont be easy and yes it will disrupt the children (at least at first). But you CAN do it. It will feel like you've exploded a bomb in your own life to start with - but it will get better. The children will settle - it sounds like they'd be happier with you anyway?

Start by having a look at all your finances. Consider if your home is rented or owned. Your husbands pension should also be considered as well as any debts/savings/assets either of you have. If the children are likely to be with you more of the time - your husband will have to pay maintenance

Go and see a local family solicitor - they will offer a free 30 minute consultation.

Seaoftroubles · 08/12/2025 14:33

Please don't fear calling Womens Aid OP. They will help you formulate a plan or just advise you if that's what you need to take the first step.
Meanwhile you need to build up your finances so increasing your work hours sounds sensible.Tell him you need more income as you want to clear your debt and need more for food. He can't dispute that! Why do you have a debt BTW, is it solely yours?
Also why isn't the family food and children's clothes and activities a shared amount? He sounds very controlling and very mean.

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 08/12/2025 14:37

Your dc can’t have TV, yet he watches documentaries on his laptop?!
oh my lovely, for the sakes of you and your children, you need to get out. NOW.
That is no way to live.

RoachFish · 08/12/2025 14:41

@Deliberations he is a partner (and I use that term loosely) not a husband so assets and pensions are completely separate.

Flapjak · 08/12/2025 14:41

Dear OP this sounds like you are minimising his behaviour - why do YOU have debts and he would be ANGRY if you increased your hours to have more financial independence. Why does he alone get CONTROL and dictate how the how the children spend their time outside of school and if you can celebrate birthdays or not . It sounds like he is dressing up financial and psychological abuse as having the children's best interests at heart, this is manipulation. It may be hard for you to see from the inside so this is why you should speak to an experienced person at women's aid, it doesn't mean that you have to make plans to leave right now , but talking to someone might help with seeing your situation with clearer eyes. Look up the boiled frog situation.

Deliberations · 08/12/2025 14:46

RoachFish · 08/12/2025 14:41

@Deliberations he is a partner (and I use that term loosely) not a husband so assets and pensions are completely separate.

aah my Apologies I misread that bit - I thought they were married.

@Helloworld91 As you're not married a lot of my comments wont apply.

But the main point is - life is too short to be miserable.

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 14:47

Doesn't allow dcs go trick or treating or sleepovers. No birthday parties . In his words it's all nonsense and unnecessary. He wants dcs to read books and doesn't let them have TV . I know he wants the best for them but it feels suffocating.

you Op, you, need to advocate for your children

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2025 14:50

Do your children have a good life though? Not allowed birthday parties, not allowed to do other normal childhood stuff, only allowed books etc.

If you get sorted to leave soon you still have time to turn this around and give your children childhood years how you want, filled with joy. Doesn’t have to be expensive things but freedom.

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 14:51

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2025 14:50

Do your children have a good life though? Not allowed birthday parties, not allowed to do other normal childhood stuff, only allowed books etc.

If you get sorted to leave soon you still have time to turn this around and give your children childhood years how you want, filled with joy. Doesn’t have to be expensive things but freedom.

Doubt it

with parents don’t seem to remotely like one another and the air probably thick with tension

DaisyChain505 · 08/12/2025 14:55

Your partner can say that if you separate you’ll be destroying the children’s lives but you’re already both destroying your children’s lives by continuing to bring them up in this hostile toxic household.

Call women’s aid, get your advice and start the ball rolling.

cabjlhbojhs · 08/12/2025 14:59

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 14:47

Doesn't allow dcs go trick or treating or sleepovers. No birthday parties . In his words it's all nonsense and unnecessary. He wants dcs to read books and doesn't let them have TV . I know he wants the best for them but it feels suffocating.

you Op, you, need to advocate for your children

This. It's hard but do it for your children if not for yourself! (Although obviously you need to feel loved too).

KittyFinlay · 08/12/2025 15:03

Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 14:10

Thanks for advice . Will have to build myself up contacting women's aid .
Unfortunately I don't think increasing my work hours would be a good idea ,as he would be even more angry and negative.
Main problem is finding somewhere to live and have courage to leave.
I've mentioned separating before and he said that that would destroy our children's lifes amd some statistics. Everything is about numbers to him.

It sounds like he's already destroying their life by refusing to allow them to have any kind of childhood.

YourWildAmberSloth · 08/12/2025 15:23

This must be awful for your children, that alone would be my reason to leave asap. If you can't/won't do it for yourself, then please do t for them.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 15:30

Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 14:10

Thanks for advice . Will have to build myself up contacting women's aid .
Unfortunately I don't think increasing my work hours would be a good idea ,as he would be even more angry and negative.
Main problem is finding somewhere to live and have courage to leave.
I've mentioned separating before and he said that that would destroy our children's lifes amd some statistics. Everything is about numbers to him.

Your children's lives are being destroyed by him already.

TheLemonLemur · 08/12/2025 15:32

I am sorry op that sounds incredibly difficult. You will find reasons to put off leaving because it seems the easy option to stay. However I would focus on your children there are no do overs for childhood and you might find they cut contact with you both as soon as they are old enough. Your husband might be the dictator but you are facilitating - when he says no to things why is it his way or no way? You have as much right to a say in your childrens upbringing please start standing up for yourself and your children life is too short to be miserable

Original poster
Helloworld91 · 08/12/2025 15:52

I do try and make childhood fun for them , that's why I'm in debt. He only agrees on educational things like museums and galleries,which is not a bad thing ,but it can't be only option so I try to take them to fun places and on holidays with amy friend and her kids for a few days . It does feel like I am sneaking around as he shouts at me and says that I'm spoiling them and making them stupid ( his words ) . In his opinion only educational things count and say out with him feels like we have to be quiet and look interested and don't make a mess .

OP posts: