Trapped at Xmas

[Helloworld91]

Apologies,but this might be quite long.
I just feel so full of sorrow and heaviness this Christmas time.
Every Christmas I promise myself that this is going to be last Christmas with my "D"P . But nothing changes .
I'm F 30 and M45. Have 2 DC 9 and 6. Partner is emotionally unavailable and very academic type. At first when I was younger I was attracted by his seriousness and intelligence. We got together ,not married .
Over the years it feels like he's sucked d all the joy and youthfullness out of me .
I feel bad for saying this. He is very critical of everything and doesn't like to celebrate any occasions. Doesn't get me any presents or surprises . Is very negative and critical. Doesn't allow dcs go trick or treating or sleepovers. No birthday parties . In his words it's all nonsense and unnecessary. He wants dcs to read books and doesn't let them have TV . I know he wants the best for them but it feels suffocating.
I've tried many times talking to him . Explained how I feel . He says he understands but doesn't agree with me .
We don't do anything together as he is very busy with work and spends all his free time reading or watching documentaries on his laptop.
I want to leave but don't know how . I am working part time and about 10k in debt . Partner is very stingy and only buys books for dcs as everything else is unnecessary. I pay for food shopping and all the things children need . He gets angry if I take them to cinema or Lego land for a treat .
DCs are closer to me and come to me more as their dad is not interested.
Sorry for this ,I need help to leave

Why would it destroy the kids lives - they’ll still have a relationship with both of their parents and can choose who they live with.

He’s using the kids as an excuse as he knows that’s your weakness.
I bet you would have left already if it wasn’t for him.

We need more details so that we can give you proper advice - do you own or rent? Do you have somewhere you can live temporarily?

He doesn’t have to be a violent bully for you to want more for yourself and kids.
It’s ok to just say I’m not happy and life is too short for this.
It is not a relationship if one person sets all of the rules.

Set yourself a goal that by 2026 you will have left or have a solid plan on how to leave.
Do not waste another year of your life.

It wouldn’t destroy the kids lives, it would open them right up.

You’re more likely to find them saying they wonder why you put up with it for so long when they’re older.

Thanks , I do think I need to make plans . Could be Christmas 2026 when it actually happens, as I don't know here to start but might be easier if set myself a goal and stick to it. As usual in these situations,he owns the house and everything . I was too young and naive to make sure my name is on the deeds when we bought the house as I wasn't even working and he paid for it. And sadly I have nowhere to go

Reason for not leaving is that in most of the moments in my life I do think that I'm overthinking and overreacting and it's not that bad . Only when I feel very low I want to leave but then I keep changing my mind and blame myself for maybe being needy and he is doing as best as he can to bring up our children properly educated

if you think like this it will not happen. Speak to women’s aid this week and get the ball rolling. The closer it gets to Christmas 2026 you’ll start thinking ‘Christmas is coming up and I don’t want to ruin Christmas, maybe before Christmas 2027’ and the cycle will continue. The only way you’ll get away from him is by doing it. There will be support, you’ll be eligible for benefits etc.

Another 12 months with this man will only serve to further destroy both you and your kids emotionally from the inside out. Make no mistake here, he is abusing them too and his rules are dictatorial.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This man targeted you primarily to abuse you. He used your naivety and young age against you.

Br brave and call Women’s Aid asap and from that start formulating your exit plan. It should not take a year. If you were to delay say until Dec 2026 you will find it even harder to leave and will come up with reasons not to do so.

He is gaslighting you into thinking it’s not that bad but it is and this is no life for your kids. They deserve a childhood and under your partners regimen they are not getting a great one at all. You have a choice re this man , they do not. A refuge place is what you need here.

He may be nice to you sometimes but that is really the nice part of the nice/ nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Worst comes to worst if you leave and after a year or 2 (you need to give it that length of time) you decide you really miss him - then you can ask to try again.
But you won’t miss him.

I would not wait another year as your kids are missing out on their childhood and your own youth is wasting away too.
Buy you do need to be smart and do it in a way that isn’t going to affect you.

Sort your £10k debt out - can you move it to a lower APR or 0% credit card or go to step change?

Then put money away each week to save up for a deposit and the first months rent.

You will get universal credit top ups and so you do not need to worry about money once you’re out but unfortunately you likely do need a deposit and first months rent in advance.

Women’s aid can also speak to you about his financial abuse of you in terms of the debt you have accumulated due to his coercive control.

My mother had hidden debt so she could provide things we children needed plus the occasional bit of joy. Even things like enough clothing or getting to participate in simple, affordable school activities.

money was just one of the ways my father controlled us.

The fact that you work part time to absolve him of parenting duties and he doesn’t share his salary with you is itself a form of abuse. You are subsidizing his lifestyle. He has far too much control.

Im a very serious academic type. I’m even autistic. I still don’t abuse my family members. I don’t object to self expression. I emphasize the importance of school with my child, but that doesn’t mean expecting her to only think about school. I encourage her to be a well rounded person with goals.

But you DON'T have a good life. Your poor kids are being let down. I think you should confide in your parents, I think they would be horrified - can you go there at Christmas?

Morning . Thanks for all your support. Been reading all the messages. My parents live outside UK ,if decided to go spend Christmas there he wouldn't let me and it would be like kidnapping children then and taking them abroad.
I will contact women's aid today .
Not shure what to say

I’d start with working out what CMS would be paid from his wage.
What benefits/top ups you could get to your wage, and how you’d manage school pick ups to allow you to work more. Friends might well help, in the circumstances.

Ask women’s aid advice about housing. And try your councillor as well. Explain you are in an abusive situation and could be made homeless with your DC. Ask to be put on the list, and how long the list currently is. Some areas are not as hard as others.

Who owns your home? You need to think of how much money you’ll get out of a divorce. Harsh I know

He owns their house and op is not married to this individual.

Op - do indeed contact Womens Aid today whilst he is out. Tell WA what you have written here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That is something you should discuss with your therapist too.

You write that he does not hit you. He does not have to hit you to hurt you all and besides which abuse is not just physical in nature. If he was to decide that the current level of control against you all was not sufficient he could well punch walls etc and use those fists.

Good luck with Womens Aid today OP, l hope they can advise you and point you in the right direction.

This is very much a controlling and financially abusive relationship. He controls your every move and is denying you freedom and autonomy to make decisions for yourself and your children. The fact that you feel intimidated by him (you do otherwise you would feel able to challenge him) demonstrates how serious this is and Women’s aid will recognise this as an abusive relationship straight away so you don’t need to worry about what to say to them; just tell them what you’ve told us.
If you aren’t on the deeds of the house then maybe there is a chance you would qualify for social housing. First step is women’s aid and go from there.
Admitting to yourself that this is coercive control and an abusive relationship is the first step. Good luck.

Doesn’t the fact that your children are being abused motivate you?

Women’s Aid will also be able to give advice regarding having debt written off.
I’m not sure of the different options but definitely something worth asking about if this is something that’s holding you back.
He sounds like a miserable man. I’m a single parent and the dad left when I was pregnant. At the time it was awful and financially it continues to be difficult. But with hindsight I know we would have been miserable if he’d stuck around. We do what we want, when we want, and how we want. I recommend just doing it. There will never be a good time as such to make the leap. But you and your children will be so much happier.

This was me. I know it and get it.

In the end I just moved out, didn't know how I would afford it as I was still liable for the family home and paid 98% of the bills. I took myself off them and stopped paying anything. He survived. I thrived.

I found a small place to rent with an understanding landlord and estate agent.
Just go and sort the mess with some distance, it's much easier.

You’ve been in my thoughts @Helloworld91 as well as your children:( I hope this time next year you can celebrate Christmas property without your husband. You all deserve so much more x

Your story makes for sad reading OP.
I think it is highly unlikely that your partner will ever change.
Do you think he is aware of just how close you are to consider leaving him?
Have you been able to have a true heart to heart?
Your children need to be able to experience a wide range of activities involving both play and learning. I know that you already know that.
You will need to get some sort of legal advice as to your entitlement and you have received good advice from posters here.
People can and do find the strength to leave OP.
You need freeing from the trappings of this relationship.