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Original poster

This feels too messy....Help me see clearly

45 replies

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 05:59

Dating a man who has recently came out of a long relationship. He is separated from his ex and is now living 30 mins away from her and his 2 DS (11 and 6). This relationship was very manipulative (obviously only one side of the story, but I do believe it to a point at least, his ex definitely had a long affair).

He has to wait for the house to sell so buy a place of his own so when seeing his kids he goes back to the family home. He stays over one night when he is meant to have them overnight, and is over other times as it's his evening with the kids and he takes them to school one morning also (when he cooks for them the evening before). He has been great with his boys and that's something I really like about him, my ex just focused on his new partner and my kids were left devastated.

My question is, how normal is it in this situation to stay over on the nights your not meant to have the kids overnight, as it's easier to drop them to school? I should also add his ex wants him back. When I split with my ex, I would have driven the half hour each way rather than stay over. Am I weird?

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:03

This could be solved by not dating a man who has only recently come out of a LTR. It's impossible for anyone to say whether this is just a temporary phase as they separate or whether this shows they will get back together. If it had been a significant time and this something theyve done for a while, it would be different.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:04

If he has somewhere to live he has no need to be doing any of that. If he is insisting on staying over at tge marital home it doesnt sound at all good. How do you know ahe wants him back?

walk away.

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:07

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:04

If he has somewhere to live he has no need to be doing any of that. If he is insisting on staying over at tge marital home it doesnt sound at all good. How do you know ahe wants him back?

walk away.

That depends on where his home is and the set up of said home. You can't make such sweeping statements and expect to be right.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:09

if the separation came from nowhere for him as ge was manipulated, then I would also say you are a rebound. How long exactly has he been Separated?

also, what fo you do together dates wise and how does he treat you? You said nothing aBout this in your post.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:11

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:07

That depends on where his home is and the set up of said home. You can't make such sweeping statements and expect to be right.

Show quote history

If his home is unsuitable for his children, and he is very recently separated and sleeping over with his ex who wants him back, there are already far too many issues.

Guavafish1 · 08/12/2025 06:12

I think your right it’s complicated

from my experience… it’s never a hundred percent clear as this stage… I would stop the relationship and leave it for a while.

my ex did something similar and turn out they were still seeing each other and he lied

cloudtreecarpet · 08/12/2025 06:12

Too soon for him to be getting into a new relationship - he needs to get into a sensible routine with his children first

I wouldn't get involved but if you choose to then i don't think you can complain about it - of course it's messy, the dust hasn't settled yet.

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:13

He knows she wants him back. He likes it

Original poster
WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:16

He has left twice in the past and always went back. They split in the summer and it was instigated by him, he moved out about a month and a half ago. He is lovely to me, but we haven't had loads of time together as my Dad was end of life and recently passed away.

I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable thinking he shouldn't stay over when he's not meant to be. He says he's just tired and it's easier in the morning as he doesn't need to get up so early to drop DS to school.

Possibly not helped as I'm grieving, a shit show all round. Maybe just bad timing on both sides 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:16

Sorry forgot to say she has been sending pics of herself to him

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:17

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:16

He has left twice in the past and always went back. They split in the summer and it was instigated by him, he moved out about a month and a half ago. He is lovely to me, but we haven't had loads of time together as my Dad was end of life and recently passed away.

I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable thinking he shouldn't stay over when he's not meant to be. He says he's just tired and it's easier in the morning as he doesn't need to get up so early to drop DS to school.

Possibly not helped as I'm grieving, a shit show all round. Maybe just bad timing on both sides 😅

It's been 6 weeks since he moved out and about 12 weeks since Summer. The risk lies in that. When you couple that with the fact he's done it twice before, then it is a very high risk situation for you. I wouldnt take my coat off.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:21

He left the family home 6 weeks ago and has moved on?

This is a man who cannot be alone.

Does he always have the children at the family home? How much parenting is he taking control of in his time?

How is he lovely to you? What did the two of you do this weekend?

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:30

Call him out because you have nothing to lose

cloudtreecarpet · 08/12/2025 06:31

It must be so confusing for his poor kids.

I don't think this man sounds great at all, he sounds like he still wants the comfort of living at home and the interest of a new girlfriend.
And in the meantime his kids have the confusion of him coming and going. This just has disaster written all over it.

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:31

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:30

Call him out because you have nothing to lose

On what?

SparklyGlitterballs · 08/12/2025 06:32

Just out of interest, how did you meet? Did he go racing to the dating apps immediately after leaving his ex, as that was extremely quick to be getting into another relationship. It would have been better if he'd spent some time single, getting over the previous relationship and working on himself, but men often don't do this and don't want to be alone.

What are the reasons for him not having his DC to stay where he's currently residing?

BoxOfCats · 08/12/2025 06:32

It feels messy because it is. That way too soon to be moving on. Red flags 🚩

MrsDoubtingMyself · 08/12/2025 06:32

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:16

Sorry forgot to say she has been sending pics of herself to him

Get rid of him

Leave it 18 months

If he's still separated and single and living in his own place, date him again (if you want to)

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:33

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:31

On what?

Show quote history

Sleeping over with his ex

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:36

How long have you been dating him? You know so much about his ex and their life. Those dates cannot have been fun for you. Sounds like massive oversharing.

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:36

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:33

Sleeping over with his ex

Show quote history

But he has made it clear that happens and explained why. How would you call him out? It doesn't make any sense. He isn't lying about sleeping there and OP doesn't really have the right to tell him he can't, especially if there is no concrete proof he doesn't just for the childcare reasons he stated.

The OP doesn't have the higher ground to call anyone out. At best she can decide if this set up works for her.

ScoutOfTheSoftHeartsClub · 08/12/2025 06:38

Hmm …

Do you have a nice home with plenty of room for two children to spend every weekend?

Rolensausage · 08/12/2025 06:41

Too messy I’d say.
Can you be sure he’s not sleeping with her ? If you can’t then not trusting him is a huge issue.

Gut feeling is he’s enjoying having 2 women show interest in him.

Did he spend the weekend with you ?

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:41

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:36

But he has made it clear that happens and explained why. How would you call him out? It doesn't make any sense. He isn't lying about sleeping there and OP doesn't really have the right to tell him he can't, especially if there is no concrete proof he doesn't just for the childcare reasons he stated.

The OP doesn't have the higher ground to call anyone out. At best she can decide if this set up works for her.

Show quote history

Are you usually this linear in your thinking? Its exhausting.

Yes he has been clear he sleeps iver there.
Calling him out would involve saying she's concerned he will get back with his ex if not already sleeping with her on his stays back over there.

And she doesnt have to worry about the higher ground or strategy because there's an insanely high chance he is getting back with his ex, so she might as well be upfront

Original poster
WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:48

Ah I guess this situation doesn't doesn't feel right to me. I do worry he can't be alone, that and the kids have made him go back in the past. If my best friend was telling me all the details I'd tell her to walk away.

I met him through his job and have known him to a point over a year, hence I know so much.

I haven't seen him since last week as my mum is over and we've been scattering Dad's ashes and spending time together (she doesn't live in this country). I've been happily single and not dating, he chased me and I think Id fallen for the attention 😕

OP posts: