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Original poster

This feels too messy....Help me see clearly

45 replies

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 05:59

Dating a man who has recently came out of a long relationship. He is separated from his ex and is now living 30 mins away from her and his 2 DS (11 and 6). This relationship was very manipulative (obviously only one side of the story, but I do believe it to a point at least, his ex definitely had a long affair).

He has to wait for the house to sell so buy a place of his own so when seeing his kids he goes back to the family home. He stays over one night when he is meant to have them overnight, and is over other times as it's his evening with the kids and he takes them to school one morning also (when he cooks for them the evening before). He has been great with his boys and that's something I really like about him, my ex just focused on his new partner and my kids were left devastated.

My question is, how normal is it in this situation to stay over on the nights your not meant to have the kids overnight, as it's easier to drop them to school? I should also add his ex wants him back. When I split with my ex, I would have driven the half hour each way rather than stay over. Am I weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:50

He just currently just has a room in a shared house

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:54

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 06:48

Ah I guess this situation doesn't doesn't feel right to me. I do worry he can't be alone, that and the kids have made him go back in the past. If my best friend was telling me all the details I'd tell her to walk away.

I met him through his job and have known him to a point over a year, hence I know so much.

I haven't seen him since last week as my mum is over and we've been scattering Dad's ashes and spending time together (she doesn't live in this country). I've been happily single and not dating, he chased me and I think Id fallen for the attention 😕

At what point after he moved out dud he start chasing you?

it has been no time at all since you‘ve been seeing him. No good can come from this for you.

Squishedpassenger · 08/12/2025 06:58

TheLittleMermoo · 08/12/2025 06:41

Are you usually this linear in your thinking? Its exhausting.

Yes he has been clear he sleeps iver there.
Calling him out would involve saying she's concerned he will get back with his ex if not already sleeping with her on his stays back over there.

And she doesnt have to worry about the higher ground or strategy because there's an insanely high chance he is getting back with his ex, so she might as well be upfront

Show quote history

You don't get to call someone out unless you have some sort of power over them. If he wants to get back with his ex, that's up to him. He doesnt owe OP a relationship.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 06:58

and the kids have made him go back in the past.
He has chosen to go back in the past. Children did not make an adult man do something he did not want to do.

AutumnFroglets · 08/12/2025 07:03

ScoutOfTheSoftHeartsClub · 08/12/2025 06:38

Hmm …

Do you have a nice home with plenty of room for two children to spend every weekend?

This is my thought too. He can't look after his own kids without their mother being there and he'll only ever fully leave her once he has a second mummy lined up, preferably with her own house.

When a recently homeless man chases after a woman it's a red flag.
When a recently homeless father chases after a woman it's lots of red flags.
When a recently homeless father chases after a woman with her own home I would question her sanity.

Where are you on that list OP?

Glowingup · 08/12/2025 07:16

Some on Mumsnet claim that this is the ideal post-divorce solution to avoid children having to move between homes. I personally think it’s a shit show and very confusing for the kids. They won’t understand why mummy and daddy seemingly can spend loads of time together but not be together. If you split, then split properly and don’t get together for faux family-time.
Second, I’m really sorry but the fact that he has gone back to her twice really doesn’t bode well. He shouldn’t be entering into a relationship when his current one is clearly not over. Tell him that once he he been single for at least six months, has his own place and a proper contact routine, he can get in touch (don’t bank on this happening though and carry on dating if you want to meet someone).

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2025 07:25

Given the past yo-young of his relationship with his Ex your uneasiness is understandable but he only moved out of his family home a month ago. It sounds like you are expecting everything to be settled far too quickly. Your arrangements with your Ex is your normal, only time will tell if his current arrangements are his.

TwistedWonder · 08/12/2025 07:53

Sorry but I echo what PP has said that it’s way too soon for him to be jumping into another relationship.

Only a few months after moving out of the family home his priority is his DC and making them secure, not chasing women.

You're putting yourself in a position to be hurt by a man on the rebound

MCF86 · 08/12/2025 08:01

You don't start seeing someone 6 weeks after moving out of the marital home because you've suddenly met the love of your life. Sorry OP, I'd walk from this and not because sleeping over makes it easier to see his child.

JustSomeMama · 08/12/2025 08:12

This guy probably likes you but he's a walking red flag. Not your fault OP, he just seems like someone who hasn't got his life figured out and he's trying to start something before truly finishing his previous relationship. Immature.

I don't personally think that he will be able to commit to a healthy relationship with a new person UNTIL he fully processes the practical and emotional implications of not living in the same house as his ex and especially kids. This is completely new to them all and sounds like it will take them ALL a while to put boundaries and plans in place to make it work.

Remember that it's not just him, his ex is obviously still invested and the children are probably confused and just want to see dad as much as possible.

Unfortunately after a few weeks of dating him (sorry I couldn't make sense of the timeline but it sounds fresh with you two) you cannot call the shots on how he spends time with his family. Yes, ex is still family, that is my belief as they have children together and there will always be contact. There are no boundaries here yet and it's up to them to figure it out, not the new girlfriend.

The stuff he does whilst he's figuring it out might hurt you. He may even decide to go back again. I wouldn't get too invested. See him if you like but don't treat is as a committed relationship at this stage would be my advice.

Original poster
WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 08:31

Thanks all! Yeah I have no interest in calling the shots or trying to change him, or asking him to stop doing it. This thread was more to see if I was crazy feeling unsettled by it all, and not really being sure of what's normal in a situation like this.

I think I'm just going to bow out and keep to myself again

OP posts:
PeopleTheyAintNoGood · 08/12/2025 09:02

Good call, op. I'm sorry about your df. You are going to be grieving and vulnerable and don't need this.
Probably if you weren't already going through such a bad time, you wouldn't have even entertained this man. I think you'd have seen straight through him.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 18:14

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 08:31

Thanks all! Yeah I have no interest in calling the shots or trying to change him, or asking him to stop doing it. This thread was more to see if I was crazy feeling unsettled by it all, and not really being sure of what's normal in a situation like this.

I think I'm just going to bow out and keep to myself again

Very wise.

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 18:23

ScoutOfTheSoftHeartsClub · 08/12/2025 06:38

Hmm …

Do you have a nice home with plenty of room for two children to spend every weekend?

This.

This guy is a matching band of red flags. 6 weeks separated, a history of on and off, in a shared house but sleeps at his ex's, this is a do not pass go thing.

Sorry about your dad.

HuskyNew · 08/12/2025 18:46

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 08:31

Thanks all! Yeah I have no interest in calling the shots or trying to change him, or asking him to stop doing it. This thread was more to see if I was crazy feeling unsettled by it all, and not really being sure of what's normal in a situation like this.

I think I'm just going to bow out and keep to myself again

Very wise
It sounds like he’s hanging around in a shared house waiting for his next relationship victim to provide a house &
domestic labour. Don’t fall for it

dobbylan · 08/12/2025 18:50

WarmSeaBreeze · 08/12/2025 05:59

Dating a man who has recently came out of a long relationship. He is separated from his ex and is now living 30 mins away from her and his 2 DS (11 and 6). This relationship was very manipulative (obviously only one side of the story, but I do believe it to a point at least, his ex definitely had a long affair).

He has to wait for the house to sell so buy a place of his own so when seeing his kids he goes back to the family home. He stays over one night when he is meant to have them overnight, and is over other times as it's his evening with the kids and he takes them to school one morning also (when he cooks for them the evening before). He has been great with his boys and that's something I really like about him, my ex just focused on his new partner and my kids were left devastated.

My question is, how normal is it in this situation to stay over on the nights your not meant to have the kids overnight, as it's easier to drop them to school? I should also add his ex wants him back. When I split with my ex, I would have driven the half hour each way rather than stay over. Am I weird?

I was sleeping with my supposed ex when I would sleep over at hers(our family home) on my weekends with the kids before I bought a bigger place of my own, long story short, 5 years apart since then/later, she just moved into my house with me 3 months ago and we are back together (we would still chat to me when she was in another relationship and she always wanted me back at that time also).

This is just my story, not saying yours is the same.

JLou08 · 08/12/2025 19:05

I wouldn't date a man recently out of a relationship.
I wouldn't date one who was quick to tell me his ex was manipulative and he is so good with his DC. Red flags. Awful men always have a "crazy ex".
30 minutes is nothing, definitely weird for him to stay over at his "manipulative" ex's. Surely he'd want as little time as possible with her.

Wowcha · 08/12/2025 19:05

How did you even meet this man?!

He’s not been gone for 5mins and he’s already dating someone else - careful OP you are in a very vulnerable state and he is looking for a replacement wife/mum.

I know guys who cannot be alone and so will just jump from woman to woman.

He does not need to stay over when he lives so close.
I travel further for work every day.

You do not need someone like this in your life.

BuddhaAtSea · 08/12/2025 19:08

Step away from this shit show. You don’t need this, look after yourself and take time to heal after your loss.

Horses7 · 08/12/2025 19:52

Very, very wise.
Look after yourself.

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