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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Extremely sensitive situation at school - advice please

41 replies

flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:17

There has been an allegation of abuse by some children of "inteference" by the Dad of another child at school. Horrible. Every parents' nightmare. The Dad is on police bail and one of the conditions is not to be around the school and his kids.

Regardless of guilt etc.(not my job) I really feel for the Mum who must be devastated and feel really alone. We are all trying to maintain normal realtions and show her we care (wihtout getting too involved).

Would anonymous flowers or a card be odd? Has anyone ever recieved anonymous support?

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 10/06/2008 09:18

Why must they be anonymous?
If she had no idea then she could probably really do with a non-judgemental friend right now.

iheartdusty · 10/06/2008 09:19

is there a particular reason to want to be anonymous? why could you not send her a card with your name on it?

ConnorTraceptive · 10/06/2008 09:20

Agree with VS.

I think anything sent anonymously however well intentioned is a bit creepy.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:20

Well, i dont want to get involved in it. We aren't great mates - normal school acquaintatnces. Tbh it would be odd to pile in now.

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hullygully · 10/06/2008 09:21

Poor bloody woman. Go straight round there and offer support. SHE hasn't done anything.

Herodias · 10/06/2008 09:21

Don't see the need for anonymity.
The poor woman must be devastated and feeling ashamed and terrified - assuming the allegations are correct, and if they are, that she knew nothing about the abuse.
I think an open and friendly card of support from everyone would be the way to go.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:21

so a card with " thinking of you" is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:21

No i won't go around. I never used to and am not starting now.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 10/06/2008 09:21

So leave it. Just keep acting the way you always did.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:22

ok.

OP posts:
hullygully · 10/06/2008 09:22

Personally I would be more humiliated to get a card from "everyone." It would remind me that everyone was thinking about it and discussing it. If you're not close, nag those who are to go round and the rest should stay friendly but uninvolved (as they were before)

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:23

No was going to just do me. Its a really terrible situation in a close community, I want her to know that no one blames her.

OP posts:
littlewoman · 10/06/2008 09:23

When bad things happen, you do feel as though the world is talking about you behind your back, in all honesty. It would be nice to show her some support in some way or another.

nailpolish · 10/06/2008 09:24

you dnt have to 'pile in'

i think anonymous would freak her out and she would feel extremely uncomfortable

she wouldnt know who to thank
or even smile to as a thnaks

wannaBe · 10/06/2008 09:25

if you do it anonomously it will look as if you don't want to be seen to be supporting her.

If you put your name on card then it makes a statement that you are happy to be lending support at this time.

cupsoftea · 10/06/2008 09:25

I'd give her a wide berth & not get involved.

iheartdusty · 10/06/2008 09:25

yes, I definitely agree that 'thinking of you, hope you are OK' would be fine. She may be very oversensitive at the moment (understandably) so anything anonymous or ambiguous might really upset her.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:25

She does look so browbeaten. I presume that her kids will have to be interviwed by social services too, its a real " that happens to someone else " sitation.

Even if the allegations are unfounded he is knackered.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 10/06/2008 09:26

if it were me and i wanted to help id go over to her discreetly (ie not in front of everyone) and tell her that she has your support

you dont have to ask her round for coffee but you could maybe offer to look after her child for a couple of hours one week. she might be glad of the rest

VictorianSqualor · 10/06/2008 09:27

If it's anon it's going to seem like you're not quite sure enough of her innocence to put your name to it.
I'd send a card, just saying 'thinking of you in this difficult time, Hope you're doing ok, love X'.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:28

Done. Ok will do today. Thanks all.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 10/06/2008 09:30

dont post the card. GIVE it to her. hand it to her and make eye contact. difficult to do but that is what will help this woman

sending it will make her feel awkward inthe playground. she wont know whether to come over and say thanks or not

wannaBe · 10/06/2008 09:30

tbh though I'm not sure about a card.

If you are offering support then you have to be prepared to put your name to that support, but I do think that a card/flowers might just be a reminder to her of what she is going through - every time she looks at the flowers she will be reminded of the fact that everyone knows her business.

Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:31

oh i have no problem with that - we have already exchanged brief social chit chat. Will buy a pink envelope so she doens't fear what is in it.

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Original poster
flowery12 · 10/06/2008 09:32

She knows everyone knows becuase school had to make a statement even though it wasnt on school time.

OP posts: