Extremely sensitive situation at school - advice please

[flowery12]

There has been an allegation of abuse by some children of "inteference" by the Dad of another child at school. Horrible. Every parents' nightmare. The Dad is on police bail and one of the conditions is not to be around the school and his kids.

Regardless of guilt etc.(not my job) I really feel for the Mum who must be devastated and feel really alone. We are all trying to maintain normal realtions and show her we care (wihtout getting too involved).

Would anonymous flowers or a card be odd? Has anyone ever recieved anonymous support?

Happened at the school by brother's children go to. The family were pretty much isolated, as there was a concern that the mother was aware, and they moved away. Db and his wife did still have the two children around to play with theirs (same ages), but they never went again to the other family's house, nor had any communication with the father.

could you offer to look after the children for her for an hr or so

do they get on with yours?

you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to get involved & be prepared for what happens from it. It's one thing to say to sommeone - what a difficult time etc & another to hand something over. Do you know this family?

also, is this alagation public knowledge because of communication people have received through the school or is it so because of playground gossip? (am not implying you have been gossiping but that everyone has hear of it because of people who know her spreading the word, as it were), because if the latter then giving a card does reiterate to her that everyone knows and has been discussing.

cupsof tea

Op has said she does nt want to get involved

wannabe - she probably will just put the card ina drawer and not on the mantle i imagine

Bear in mind that while no one should be expected to risk their DCs well being by continuing contact between DC and the accused man, a person is still, under English law, innocent until proven guilty. The card idea is a good one: poor woman. And poor kids - whether or not their father is guilty, they are in for a hell of a time.

If it was me (perish the thought), I would appreciate flowers and acts of kindness/ humanity. Of course I would know that everybody knows my business, but at least I would be comforted that some people do empathise and don't blame me

xposts.

also agree with cupsoftea. If you get involved then you have to do so fully aware of the potential implications of doing so.

If it transpires that she knew (and not saying that she did because really no-one knows) then you will be associated with her, people will wonder if she might have confided in you and whether you in fact knew as well...

so according to wannabe and cupsoftea this woman should be avoided at all costs just in case she knew. im sure the police havent thought to ask her, lets phone them now ...

maybe she did know but her dh is/was abusing her too

there are hundred of scenarios that this could be

sorry for being nippy but i have just finished nightshift and i should be in bed

don't see how it is to 'get involved' by expressing some empathy for her.

what suspicious spiteful lives some people must lead.

no np that's not what I am suggesting. what I am saying is:

if you lend support to someone going through a situation like this then you need to be comfortable doing so because there are implications for you as well:

People gossip. It's not nice but they do. So while there will be people in the playground who will be immensely sympathetic to this woman there will also be those that say:

"what a bastard he is. He should be hung" (despite the fact man hasn't yet been to court)
"oh the wife must have known. Of course she must have known" (this was said about the wife of that man who locked his child in the cellar, despite fact that the police do not suspect her and she is also under going therapy)
and "well x is friendly with her, maybe the wife confided in her, in which case why didn't she tell the police?"
or "well I see x has made friends with her recently, maybe she's talked to her about it all, let's go and talk to her - maybe she can tell us the goss."

Now I would have no qualms about supporting someone who was going through this. None. And I would be happy to stand in public support of someone going through this because I believe I have the strength of character to let the gossip wash over me.

But not everyone does. And not everyone feels they want to be dragged into someone's private business like this when it becomes public property.

So I am not saying don't get involved, or she is guilty/knew/should be avoided. I am saying that if you get involved you need to do so prepared for the fact that you might be implicated in the playground gossip as well. And that if you're not prepared for that, then maybe getting involved isn't the best thing for you.

wannabe

al these things you ahve said i wouldnt think. and i cant be the only one. the family in the cellar for example, i dont and wont think that the wife knew. maybe im just the optimist

i think its good to give people the benefit of the doubt and the OP here flowery12 can be the better person and show her support. she doesnt have to become best buddies and hold her hand in court but she can give her a card and a smile

that is enough i think. small but big gesture

treat others as you would like to be treated

np I didn't think she was involved either. but if you look at the news threads on the subject there were certainly people on there who did. And who expressed as much in a less than sensitive manner.

Some people talk first and think after, by which time it's too late.

I think there's actually no right or wrong answer tbh. I don't think it's wrong to decide you don't want to be involved any more than I think it's wrong to become involved (as long as being involved is for the right reasons).

But the woman must be going through hell, and she must be torn between wanting support and wanting to hide away out of sight where no-one can see her or talk about what she is going through.

yes

you just cant imagine can you

i also truly dont know what id do

id want to do the right thing though

and i always try to think how id like to be treated if it were me

dodgy situation, a family you don't really know - I'd steer clear.

Sending a card hardly constitutes 'getting involved'