My partner (I am reluctant to give up and refer to him as an ex yet) broke up with me a few days ago. We have been together continuously for almost 10 years. I'm quite conflicted about how to feel and my support network has been giving me validation, but no solid advice on how I should focus my priorities.
For the last several years, there has been an issue in our relationship regarding romance and intimacy. Namely, I don't have the same drive he does when it comes to intimacy, so I don't initiate. I wait for him, as I don't feel like I am a desireable or sexual being. Its been an ongoing issue with me that I admit makes it difficult. I have also felt that he hasn't been romantically or physically interested in me for quite some time. I'm not sure if its something that happens in long-term relationships or not, but I hadn't felt desireable in that time. The conversations happen, I try to do better, but my lack of confidence and the lack of encouragement from him has always led to a roadblock for me. I don't know if this is the reason for the aforementioned breakup, but I at least believe it is part of the reason.
In the summer of this year, we had a long talk about him being unhappy. That I didn't feel much like a girlfriend. For some background (remaining vague), my partner has a major health complication that has led to me feeling the need to take on a more caretaker-y role in our relationship. This health issue has also led to him being in quite a bit of pain and with a rapidly more fragile body over time. The stress of working to provide for us and my lack of alone time at home did admittedly made me quite eager to be left alone a lot more and I do admit that it made me less attentive to his romantic needs. At the same time, I voiced my frustration that I needed to ask for affection (kisses, hughs, etc). I had initially dismissed these frustrations as selfish on my part because he was focused on health and I would be less of a priority, but over time it led to me feeling like I didn't matter and that I wasn't desireable. I remember saying that I 'felt like he didn't love me.' He admitted that the romance was fading and that he would try to do better about being affectionate with me, as I told him I would feel more comfortable being physical if I felt assured that he did love me. That night, I had to ask him for a kiss goodnight. I never did get what I wanted, affection without always asking, so I struggled to keep my half of our agreement to try. In the next months, I tried. We seemed happy.
I came home a few days ago, blissfully unaware that he decided to end our relationship. He told me that he just didn't love me romantically anymore. That people and feelings change and that he couldn't see a future with me anymore. That he was trying to love me the way I loved him, but that he just didn't anymore. He said there was no changing his mind, no chance that being apart would change his mind. He was sorry it had to be like this, but it was something he had to do. He told me he was hurting too. He took bags of clothes with him and left our shared home the same night. He wants to remain friends, but that we need distance in order to achieve that. I have been in our home alone since then, agonizing, crying, and nearly incapable of taking care of myself out of the weight of my grief and heartbreak. Nearly 10 years of love, struggle, and togetherness, just gone in an instant with me, alone, to wallow in grief.
The friends in my life worry its a health crisis of some kind. Other friends think he's asking too much of me without returning the effort and that I did the best I could. One friend in particular is quite angry that I was left alone in our shared house while he got to be away from mementos of a long relationship. They think I need to give him space and try to see if he's willing to come home and resume our relationship. My sister is heartbroken, telling me he was supposed to be with me forever. All of them are quite blindsided by everything and, while affirming my emotions are valid and I'm right to be upset or hurt or angry or sad, but I have been flopping between desperately wanting him back or unwillingly letting him go and my support network is reluctant to advise me either way. Its either I am "too charitable" or "fiercely loyal" if I want him to come back to me or "he did hurt you" and "it makes sense" if I accept that our relationship is over. Its kind, but they seem unwilling to help me parse the constantly shifting feelings I have, so I've come here.
So with that background, I'm really struggling with what to do and how to process the conflicting emotions I'm feeling. On one hand, he said (and I agree) that I deserve someone who loved me the way I love them. I yearn for settling down, being comfortable in my life, and adverse to change, but he doesn't seem to want that with me anymore. On the other hand, I still very much love him. I don't want someone someday to love me the way I love them. I want him to love me. I don't know if my acceptance of that love is to my detriment, since I feel he didn't try and wanted me to be the only one trying. I don't know if I'm being insensitive to the situation for expecting him to try as much as I wanted him to. I don't know what I could have done differently, or if I'm being to harsh to myself. I know it isn't my decision to separate, but I'm scared that reaching out to him when he doesn't seem to want me to will lead to him deciding we can't remain friends. Am I being overly sensitive for being so upset that he left that night, leaving me to process everything in our shared home alone, with no ability to change his mind? I'm so upset that the decision was so final and I can't do anything to change his mind or convince him to try with me still.
How do you recommend I proceed? What are your recommendations or opinions? Please, any help would mean the world to me. I'm hoping to reign in the conflicting emotions and have an idea for how to handle this.