My long-term partner suddenly broke up with me and I am having conflicted opinions of how to move forward. How do I handle the next stages in my processing of this breakup?

[nervouslyanonymous]

My partner (I am reluctant to give up and refer to him as an ex yet) broke up with me a few days ago. We have been together continuously for almost 10 years. I'm quite conflicted about how to feel and my support network has been giving me validation, but no solid advice on how I should focus my priorities.

For the last several years, there has been an issue in our relationship regarding romance and intimacy. Namely, I don't have the same drive he does when it comes to intimacy, so I don't initiate. I wait for him, as I don't feel like I am a desireable or sexual being. Its been an ongoing issue with me that I admit makes it difficult. I have also felt that he hasn't been romantically or physically interested in me for quite some time. I'm not sure if its something that happens in long-term relationships or not, but I hadn't felt desireable in that time. The conversations happen, I try to do better, but my lack of confidence and the lack of encouragement from him has always led to a roadblock for me. I don't know if this is the reason for the aforementioned breakup, but I at least believe it is part of the reason.

In the summer of this year, we had a long talk about him being unhappy. That I didn't feel much like a girlfriend. For some background (remaining vague), my partner has a major health complication that has led to me feeling the need to take on a more caretaker-y role in our relationship. This health issue has also led to him being in quite a bit of pain and with a rapidly more fragile body over time. The stress of working to provide for us and my lack of alone time at home did admittedly made me quite eager to be left alone a lot more and I do admit that it made me less attentive to his romantic needs. At the same time, I voiced my frustration that I needed to ask for affection (kisses, hughs, etc). I had initially dismissed these frustrations as selfish on my part because he was focused on health and I would be less of a priority, but over time it led to me feeling like I didn't matter and that I wasn't desireable. I remember saying that I 'felt like he didn't love me.' He admitted that the romance was fading and that he would try to do better about being affectionate with me, as I told him I would feel more comfortable being physical if I felt assured that he did love me. That night, I had to ask him for a kiss goodnight. I never did get what I wanted, affection without always asking, so I struggled to keep my half of our agreement to try. In the next months, I tried. We seemed happy.

I came home a few days ago, blissfully unaware that he decided to end our relationship. He told me that he just didn't love me romantically anymore. That people and feelings change and that he couldn't see a future with me anymore. That he was trying to love me the way I loved him, but that he just didn't anymore. He said there was no changing his mind, no chance that being apart would change his mind. He was sorry it had to be like this, but it was something he had to do. He told me he was hurting too. He took bags of clothes with him and left our shared home the same night. He wants to remain friends, but that we need distance in order to achieve that. I have been in our home alone since then, agonizing, crying, and nearly incapable of taking care of myself out of the weight of my grief and heartbreak. Nearly 10 years of love, struggle, and togetherness, just gone in an instant with me, alone, to wallow in grief.

The friends in my life worry its a health crisis of some kind. Other friends think he's asking too much of me without returning the effort and that I did the best I could. One friend in particular is quite angry that I was left alone in our shared house while he got to be away from mementos of a long relationship. They think I need to give him space and try to see if he's willing to come home and resume our relationship. My sister is heartbroken, telling me he was supposed to be with me forever. All of them are quite blindsided by everything and, while affirming my emotions are valid and I'm right to be upset or hurt or angry or sad, but I have been flopping between desperately wanting him back or unwillingly letting him go and my support network is reluctant to advise me either way. Its either I am "too charitable" or "fiercely loyal" if I want him to come back to me or "he did hurt you" and "it makes sense" if I accept that our relationship is over. Its kind, but they seem unwilling to help me parse the constantly shifting feelings I have, so I've come here.

So with that background, I'm really struggling with what to do and how to process the conflicting emotions I'm feeling. On one hand, he said (and I agree) that I deserve someone who loved me the way I love them. I yearn for settling down, being comfortable in my life, and adverse to change, but he doesn't seem to want that with me anymore. On the other hand, I still very much love him. I don't want someone someday to love me the way I love them. I want him to love me. I don't know if my acceptance of that love is to my detriment, since I feel he didn't try and wanted me to be the only one trying. I don't know if I'm being insensitive to the situation for expecting him to try as much as I wanted him to. I don't know what I could have done differently, or if I'm being to harsh to myself. I know it isn't my decision to separate, but I'm scared that reaching out to him when he doesn't seem to want me to will lead to him deciding we can't remain friends. Am I being overly sensitive for being so upset that he left that night, leaving me to process everything in our shared home alone, with no ability to change his mind? I'm so upset that the decision was so final and I can't do anything to change his mind or convince him to try with me still.

How do you recommend I proceed? What are your recommendations or opinions? Please, any help would mean the world to me. I'm hoping to reign in the conflicting emotions and have an idea for how to handle this.

It seems that he's checked out very quickly. Where has he actually gone?

He's done you a favour! Sounds like you were in a dead relationship. But you cant handle being friends with him. Youre already desperately waiting for the day he gets back in touch. Don't let your friends tell you how to proceed - i doubt you told them the details about your sex life and that stuff is very important. I don't think we can help you anyway. You sound too desperate. Get therapy!

It’s a horrible thing to have happened, but it’s good that he’s been honest and clear about the relationship being over.
It’s early days, but now is the time to put your own convenience and preferences first..for example, don’t keep the cats unless you actually want to. Consider moving to a cheaper flat where you won’t be reminded of him, and where you’ll have a fresh start whilst saving yourself some money. Tell him to take all his stuff, not just what he wants for now. You don’t have to be kind or helpful or reasonable, and you don’t have to inconvenience yourself to help him out ( by storing his stuff).
Don’t keep torturing yourself with what you might have done differently, you can’t change the past.It sounds as if you did contribute a lot to the relationship,but that in fact it wasn’t working for either of you.
Be prepared to hear that he has in fact met someone else and is in a new relationship with them.

Firstly remaining friends at a distance isn't possible. I am a decent person and I've accepted that you can't move on emotionally if you have a background ex that you are friends with. No contact is the only option. I don't mean it has to be a block thing, I'm just telling you it never works. It always has a slight power imbalance.

If you do remain friends, it's not an end, it's a break. You could have a 3 - 6 month break and then decide if you really are prepared to accept each other or not. People don't change. Asking people to make an effort in a particular way that they don't naturally do it isn't sustainable.

There's no easy way of getting over heart break. Counselling can help. It's natural to feel conflicted.

My outsider opinion is that it sounds like the care taker element killed the relationship. My gut feeling is you need a clean break.

I think with a bit of distance you might come to see that it was his lack of affection that started the course of events that has lead you here. The part that stood out was the lack of a goodnight kiss the very same day you had explained your feelings.
I'm hoping you will come to see how this, and what followed, did nothing but ruin any sense of desirability you had in yourself. It was not a place for your self esteem to flourish.
If you can come to realise this to be true then you can find ways of moving on and regaining your self esteem. Put yourself first, as a project if it helps. Just small things that will give you a sense of satisfaction. They don't have to be productive, even - the more frivolous the better!
I understand that you'll have no headspace for such activities just yet, but it can be an aim for the coming year? Start small for now. Take a long bath, use a body lotion, take some exercise. This is a new chapter of your life and you can make whatever you want of it. That's kind of exciting, isn't it?
Sending all my best for these days, though. They are hard but it does get better🌻

Firstly, it’s very refreshing to hear about 2 people who openly communicated things with each other - so often on here people just seem not to communicate with their partners.

It is obvious that you have both tried hard to keep this relationship going but it is time for it to be over now.

You can love someone and want the best for them but just not be in love with them and compatible enough for a relationship.

Life is going to pass you by.
Don’t waste it on a relationship that doesn’t work.

It’s harder for you because you’re in the family home.
The only thing you can do is keep yourself as busy as possible and talk it through on here or on ChatGPT.

I think your friends and family are being a bit unfair. I understand that they want to support you but he shouldn’t sacrifice his happiness just to keep you happy.
You both deserve to focus on yourselves and find your happiness as individuals.

So you’re the bigger earner, you’ve worked to support him during illness, you’ve felt unattractive and unloved, you get pain during sex, he got two cats he’s dumped on you, you cared for him when he was ill.
Get counselling! I imagine your self esteem is in the gutter after living with him this way. He really doesn’t sound like a good man. Sounds to me like once he got well again - using your kindness and care - he’s decided he can “do better” aka get more sex elsewhere.

find your anger. He’s used you - and now he’s decided he doesn’t need you anymore. Give him his bloody cats back, find a new place to rent which you can make your own home, don’t ever step in and help him when he asks or when he gets ill (and he will). Work on that sense that you’re unattractive. Say yes to fun, doing stuff, take up new hobbies, start a diary, and def find a counsellor

The way to proceed has been decided by him. You don’t have a decision to make, he has ended the relationship and is not interested in reconciling with you. He is not your partner, as you refer to him in your original post. He is your Ex, do not stay ‘friends’. Concentrate in your own life and enjoy not being his ‘caretaker’

Many of us on MN could write a similar story to yours.

Speaking from experience, you just have to power through it. Shut down, shut him off, keep really busy, seek therapy if you think it will help.

It’ll be best to block him on everything. Go total No Contact. If you don’t and he pops up on social media wrapped around his new supply, the pain will be searing, devastating and totally destructive. Don’t take the risk of coming across anything about him.

Meanwhile box up everything belonging to him or items you were chuffed to buy together. Put the boxes in the attic. Re-decorate your bedroom & buy new bed linen.

Join the gym or a walking group or something offering exercise, distractions and social interaction.

You will get through this. Trust the process and whatever you do, dont take him back when he finds the grass ain’t greener. Just don’t because he’ll probably do it again.

someone once gave me some advice - its better to make a decision that you will not make a decision until X date ... rather than leave things undecided.

The dust has not settled yet - I would just take the pressure off yourself and not make any big decisions for the next month.

Thank you. I've been struggling with trying to stemming when the change happened, but I know the answer doesn't help with anything

We just signed our lease, so I need to look into how to modify it if I do move. I have a lot of family where I live, so it won't be so bad. He is estranged from his family, so I never spent holidays with his

I'll give these a try, thank you!

Is it not something that happens over time? I had never been in a relationship for that long before this one

Thank you, I'll do my best. I have to

I'll start looking for one. Someone who specializes in relationships or grief? Or someone who does both?

I appreciate your frustration. Its given me a little perspective. I think outside of the relationship, he was a very good friend and I'm reluctant to lose that. I know it seems crazy

It's difficult to me to go from worrying that he will die on me to not worrying atall. Before the break up, his symptoms were getting worse and I fear the illness has progressed. He told me he keep fighting, but that I would be kept in the know. That worry will not just go away so quickly

I have no choice but to it would seem

I think I'll try getting back into yoga, thank you

I'm hoping for that. Its just hard to look that far ahead right now

A lot of people on here think he's moved on to someone new, but I genuinely don't think that is the case. He has been sick at home, unable to really meet people. I think if he has found someone else, he wouldn't keep it from me. I know the characterization paints him as cruel, but that's something I'm positive about

He starting at a hotel right now looking for a place. Where we live isn't cheap, so I'm not sure what his plans are. I worry that he knows something about his health that he isn't sharing and that his separation is a cruel way to shield me from it

I'm so sorry you went through that. It is encouraging to hear that it does get better because it feels like it won't right now

Thank you for the advice and recommendation. I will look into them