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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he cheating or am I paranoid?

37 replies

shggg245 · 06/12/2025 22:26

I feel I'm losing my mind. Dh (53) of 21 years bought some viagra about a year ago. I found them in his sock draw, two out of the 6 still remain.

We had a discussion about it, he said he kept it from me due to feeling embarrassed. Fair enough, I get that. At the time I said I felt hurt that he couldn't tell me, especially as he is aware of intimate problems I've experienced, but we moved on. Normal sex life but I've been quite ill.

Fast forward to today, I checked his work lap top bag looking for a charger and found 5 different brand viagra hidden in small container within a sock.

I confronted him and says he's not sleeping with anyone else. I asked to see his phone just to see how he'd react, he wouldn't show me. It never leaves his side, not that I'd look anyway, never have. I just wanted to see whether he'd show me. It's pathetic of me but it was a test.

He said he's fantasised about being on his own. He also said that if he was fucking someone else he wouldn't need viagra.

I've said that if he wants out so be it, but my mental health can't cope with protracted shit. He just said ok

I just feel sick and dont know what to think. I'd feel better if he'd offered me some reassurance, like saying he loves me and he wouldn't dream of cheating etc...... He's angry I've confronted him. I'm so confused.

I thought we were good. Am I being paranoid? Would you be concerned?

OP posts:
IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 06/12/2025 22:28

I would be very concerned that he wouldn’t show me his phone in this situation.

mindutopia · 06/12/2025 22:30

Well, if Dh told me that the whole reason he needs viagra is because he has to have sex with me and he wouldn’t need it with anyone else, his ass would be out the door pretty quick. 🙄

Wellstonethecrows · 06/12/2025 22:52

He also said that if he was fucking someone else he wouldn't need viagra.

That's a heck of a thing to say to you OP.

And he has fantasised about being alone?
He is more or less telling you he wants out of the marriage.

Coupled with the viagra and refusing to show you his phone really makes it look as though he has checked out of your marriage.
Sorry OP.

AnonymouseDad · 06/12/2025 22:59

What a hurtful thing for him to have said. About fantasising about being alone and not needing viagra with someone else.

Its not beyond the realms of possibility that he's having medicated masturbation sessions but that seems a bit far fetched.

There is no way I would ever talk to my wife like that.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/12/2025 23:14

I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s good news. Any of it.

Personally, I would take back control particularly since he refused to show you his phone and said he wouldn’t need viagra is he was having sex with someone else.

Prick.

I would really not want anything to do with someone like that.

Mumlaplomb · 06/12/2025 23:19

I know it’s not the done thing but in this case, given the obvious evidence of dodgy behaviour, I would be trying to sneak a look on the phone when he’s asleep. If only to see the extent of the betrayal. Either way I think the marriage has run its course.

Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 08:16

Thanks - pretty damning responses. At least I'm not going mad. He slept downstairs last night.

I just feel hollow. He doesn't want to speak says there's no point as I dont believe him.

It's not the way I would respond to such an accusation so I suspect the previous poster is correct and he has checked out. I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
roastedrapidly · 07/12/2025 08:52

He is acting guilty in every way OP I'm so sorry he also seems very mean

JustSomeMama · 07/12/2025 09:00

Just that comment alone, about not needing Viagra if he was sleeping with someone else would hurt me so much. I'm sorry OP.

You're not paranoid, your feelings are valid. There are some very big red flags here:

  • Viagra hidden in a sock in his work bag. At this point you've already had a conversation about Viagra that you found in the past. Therefore to me there is no reason to hide it anymore. It seems like he went to great lengths to conceal it as well. He didn't just put it in his sock drawer but his work bag. If it's to use with you - why does he need it to be in his bag?!
  • the comment about not needing it with someone else I think was meant to be purposely hurtful, like trying to blame his ED on you. By the way OP, it's not you and nothing to do with you. This is his issue that he clearly doesn't know how to accept.
  • won't show you his phone. If there was nothing to hide he would just hand it over.
  • not wanting to address the subject and getting defensive. He's trying to avoid responsibility or having to give an explanation.

OP - none of this is your fault and you're right to feel hurt or suspicious. It's easy to say LTB but it's rarely easy. Think about your options and look after yourself ❤️

Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 09:04

Thank you so much JustSomeMama, you've summed it up. I just wanna throw up.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 07/12/2025 09:52

@shggg245 either way the marriage is over.
I think the not showing the phone is a sign of guilt alongside hidden viagra . My conclusion would be cheating .
He had a chance to re assure you instead he turned on you . Another sign of guilt .

Get a solicitor appointment and get informed. Then get your head around the new changes in your life .
Any man who said to me what your h said wouldn’t be near my body again.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/12/2025 09:52

@shggg245 either way the marriage is over.
I think the not showing the phone is a sign of guilt alongside hidden viagra . My conclusion would be cheating .
He had a chance to re assure you instead he turned on you . Another sign of guilt .

Get a solicitor appointment and get informed. Then get your head around the new changes in your life .
Any man who said to me what your h said wouldn’t be near my body again.

Seaoftroubles · 07/12/2025 09:53

So sorry OP, I agree with pp's. You are not paranoid and he sounds 100% guilty. If he had nothing to hide he would show you his phone to reassure you. Instead he's gone off to sleep on the sofa in a huff and is putting the blame on you for not believing him. Doubtless he will be deleting all evidence now but his comment about not needing Viagra if he was with someone else would mean the end for me.

Dweetfidilove · 07/12/2025 09:59

That comment is so deliberately hurtful a unnecessary.

You're not wrong for feeling hurt and paranoid. Awful man.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/12/2025 10:17

A big part of what makes infidelity so abusive is the gaslighting to make you think your intuition is wrong.
Trust your gut on this one. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
When my dh cheated on me the best advice I got was to take control back and make decisions for me. He's lying to you, and you need a boundary that that's not acceptable.
Tell him you don't believe he's being honest and until he is you need him to leave (or you leave if you have somewhere to go). This is also the time for lots of self care. Talk to trusted friends irl, spend time doing things that make you happy.

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 07/12/2025 10:59

That comment was out of order, whether he's having an affair or not. (I'm a man by the way). Got a bad feeling about your husband's behaviour. Sorry you're going through this. That comment..........really poor. For him to say that, there must be wider issues in the relationship with him? You got kids together - is he any good with them? (where is he adding value to the relationship is what I'm trying to get at).

Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 11:49

Yes we have 2 boys men 18 and 20. He's a good Dad.

I feel such a fool. I've read threads like this and thought god how awful. I just feel empty. I want to feel angry.

He's not said anything yet but I'm not good at playing it cool.

OP posts:
MrsLizzieDarcy · 07/12/2025 11:58

I wonder if you've hit a nerve OP and that's why he's lashing out? If you're not being intimate, he may be using them solo - DH has got cardiac issues and can't masturbate without taking one. I have no issue with that at all, but we do have an agreement that he leaves the pack on the side if he's used one in case of a medical event (he can't use them often due to occasional episodes of racing heart and syncope).

But - it's an issue that he won't talk to you about it. So whatever he's taking them for, he's hiding it from you and also trying to gaslight you about it. You're not going mad, you're being lied to for whatever reason. And there's no place for any lies within marriage.

Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 12:14

He claims he hid them so I wouldn't find them as he's too embarrassed to talk about it, even though we've previously discussed it. He doesn't need them all the time and admits that.

The red flag for me is the phone. I said it was a test to see if he'd show me - he said 'well I failed that didn't I.'

He's doing stuff outside, avoiding the inevitable explosion. I'm very heightened right now. I want to get angry but I just feel hollow and sick.

How dare he do this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 12:23

I sound fucking deranged. If he's guilty i'm gonna turn into a demon bitch from hell.

I know the perfect solicitor, she's absolutely feared but expensive....saying that the house is paid off.

OP posts:
OVienna · 07/12/2025 13:00

Not paranoid. Sorry OP.

OVienna · 07/12/2025 13:01

And yoy dont sound at all deranged.

Original poster
shggg245 · 07/12/2025 13:06

I'm just gutted. Very up and down, keep crying. It's an actual physical feeling. How can he be so cold.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/12/2025 14:36

shggg245 · 07/12/2025 13:06

I'm just gutted. Very up and down, keep crying. It's an actual physical feeling. How can he be so cold.

Oh op. I remember all too well how it feels. Sending lots of love

DirtyBird · 07/12/2025 16:38

He had different types of Viagra hidden in a sock, I think that says it all

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