Is he cheating or am I paranoid?

[shggg245]

I feel I'm losing my mind. Dh (53) of 21 years bought some viagra about a year ago. I found them in his sock draw, two out of the 6 still remain.

We had a discussion about it, he said he kept it from me due to feeling embarrassed. Fair enough, I get that. At the time I said I felt hurt that he couldn't tell me, especially as he is aware of intimate problems I've experienced, but we moved on. Normal sex life but I've been quite ill.

Fast forward to today, I checked his work lap top bag looking for a charger and found 5 different brand viagra hidden in small container within a sock.

I confronted him and says he's not sleeping with anyone else. I asked to see his phone just to see how he'd react, he wouldn't show me. It never leaves his side, not that I'd look anyway, never have. I just wanted to see whether he'd show me. It's pathetic of me but it was a test.

He said he's fantasised about being on his own. He also said that if he was fucking someone else he wouldn't need viagra.

I've said that if he wants out so be it, but my mental health can't cope with protracted shit. He just said ok

I just feel sick and dont know what to think. I'd feel better if he'd offered me some reassurance, like saying he loves me and he wouldn't dream of cheating etc...... He's angry I've confronted him. I'm so confused.

I thought we were good. Am I being paranoid? Would you be concerned?

I know. I guess what's really telling in his reaction today.

He can be very cruel verbally (only when he feels attacked), but he's said some really cutting things over the years, not many, but awful enough to have left a permanent mark.

A friend has offered temp use of his flat if I need some space, so at least that's something.

I just need to process all of this and accept its happening. Trouble is I don't have any evidence of actual cheating, it's his reaction which makes me think we're finished. I just don't understand it.

His reaction and that awful comment are enough for you to make clear you will not tolerate his behaviour. He's clearly keeping secrets (Lying) too. That's all clear.

Your OH should not be using viagra if he has heart problems. Unless they have been prescribed by someone who has full knowledge of the medical history.

You do not need evidence of cheating to make a decision about whether your relationship has enough going for it to survive.
When people feel.insecure they can lash out. He has impotence problems and men feel very insecure about this. So he hits out at you by implying his problems are due to your unattractiveness rather than his medical problem. Has he discussed this with you?

Classic.... responding to your question with anger/ blaming you
https://www.chumplady.com/darvo-manipulation-and-how-it-works/

No he won't discuss it, we talked about it a year a go, i was super cool and supportive. Loads of my male friends use viagra. That's why I dont understand the hiding of pills in his work bag, especially when there's a separate stash upstairs.

If he explained it or tried to reassure me i'd believe him. How can we move on if he won't talk. I want to believe him but he's not giving me any reason to think he gives a shit.

I don't want to battle with him.

I’ve been there and ended up wasting another year til he just upped and left for the person in question.

Regardless of having proof or not, something the majority of us women feel we need to make a decision, his actions are all you actually need to go off. A healthy relationship with mutual respect, he would have handed over his phone in a heart beat, would be doing what he can to repair the relationship. Not verbally attacking you and gaslighting.

Best case scenario he didn’t hand over the phone as watched a lot of porn. Worst case scenario, there is someone. The biggest sign looking back for me, was all a sudden my ex was taking care of his health, going to the gym etc

I wish I left when I had that gut feeling. It sounds like your husband has checked out.

Thank you everyone - god it's such a cliche...

I do love this site.

It was cleared by his consultant Cardiologist, just on the condition that it's very occasional use. He gets them on prescription via our GP, not over the counter. He's as responsible as he can be, I guess.

This may not be he's checked out.

Saying there isnt any point as you wont believe him is deflection. He's trying to get you to say I do believe you.

Its the payment he wants for having a conversation. It most likely isnt intentional. More like he can't work a better defence.

What you can try is. I have a hard time believing you right now and that is justified. What we need to do is sit down and talk honestly, both of us and figure out what's next.

Thats more or less what I ended up saying to my wife. I said i had always believed her. To the point of being called gullable several times.

It took a few tries but eventually I got nothing but the truth. Hurt like hell but it was far better out for both of us.

How are things OP?

We're ok, he swears he's not cheated, i gave him several outs..so I believe him on that.

He's also been taking testosterone, not cool...so he needs to go and speak to the GP rather than buying shit online.

He admitted he lied and his deceit has caused all of this.

It took a while for him to speak and open up, but he did eventually, he felt angry and embarrassed with my confrontation and says it does look well dodgey.

We definitely looked over the precepice.

Hopefully we'll get through it . We're talking, so that's constructive. Hopefully I'll not be back, but I'm not daft either. We will see.

Thanks all - huge support from MN when I really needed it.