Living with in laws and a baby

[Tokyo5]

I’m getting straight into it. Last year, I left my amazing job overseas to move here, get married — and then, a month later, I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy itself was fairly easy, but the labour was awful, and the baby blues hit hard afterward. All of this happened while I was living with my in-laws, where I still am now, with a newborn and a 41-year-old husband whose mother still washes and folds his laundry for him.

My mother-in-law is extremely overbearing. The turning point for me was coming home to find she had washed my underwear and put it away in my room — the only space in that house that feels like mine. That’s when I realized just how involved she is in her son’s daily life, from doing his laundry to putting away his clothes. She’s even said, jokingly but not really joking, that her son will always be a “mummy’s boy.” After a few moments like that, I started distancing myself. I don’t even bother anymore with being formal when her family/guests come over and just do my own thing. Anyways, she’s just naturally anxious and overthinks everything, often trying to have long emotional heart-to-heart talks, which is just not my personality.

Then, when the baby arrived, she became even more involved. Near the end of my pregnancy she showed me a huge bag of clothes she had bought for the baby, saying things like “tell me if I’ve done too much.” She even bought things like baby wash and cotton pads, and then started doing his laundry and fussing about whether our (mine and my husbands) clothes should be washed separately. I can’t explain it — I just get an icky feeling around her, and I hate leaving my baby alone with her. So I end up doing everything myself throughout the day (exhausting) and keeping mine and baby’s bubble separate. I don’t even go out because I just don’t want to leave the baby with her. Some people would say that’s not very nice, but to me it’s just maintaining boundaries. She also use to say things like “my baby” when she greeted the baby , so now I always make a point to respond with “I’m mummy.” She’s not aggressive or confrontational, but she really doesn’t understand when she’s overstepping. She can feels I’ve become very cold (tbh she does also give the same energy back) but I’ve just stopped caring about formalities.

All of this has taken a toll on my marriage. I’m at home caring for the baby 24/7 and still feel watched or monitored by his parents, even though I keep my distance. I can’t relax, I can’t even dress how I want because they might walk through the house. I’ve emotionally and physically pulled away from my husband because everything has built up so much. I just feel this deep silent resentment towards him which is sad because just last year we were inseparable. I told him that next year we are moving out, no matter what — and he agreed.

…Long read lol! Any thoughts?

Yes, you need to move out.

Yes hopefully your husband sticks with that agreement, and you have a plan and it will give you a focus of what you need to be doing to get to that point. And help you plough through the time that is left until you move out.
I couldn’t cope.

Why are you even living there?

You need to move out asap rather than next year. Can you find an apartment to rent?.

Why did you move in with these people at all?. Was it expected for you to live with them due to cultural expectations?.

Your man is key here.
Does your man actually like having his clothes washed by his mother?. Is he a man or far more likely a weak mouse in her presence?. Is she a cannot ever be upset type of mil?. You all walk around on eggshells and or are otherwise afraid of her?.

You all need to stay well away from her because she is not an emotionally safe enough person to be around. She’s turned your man into a mouse and will do similar harm to your child if allowed. She wants to have another go at playing mummy to your child.

It sounds like you rushed into a lot of this and are now stuck. How well did you really know him before you got married and had a baby with him? I'm assuming there's a valid reason as to why you aren't living in your own home by now.

Honestly, this whole thing sounds like a colossal mistake. Is there any chance of you moving home?

Yeah, you need to move out, with or without this mummy’s boy.

Definitely move out. You need your own space. Hope you and DH can get that organised soon.

@Poms He has always lived with his parents, and although I didn’t think it would be an issue before we got married, I quickly realised it’s not a lifestyle I enjoy—especially since I had my own place and independence after moving out of my parents’ home at 23. I mentioned during our dating phase that living with parents long-term wasn’t something I was cut out for, but he would brush off the topic. Now, after having the baby, I’ve made it very clear that I can no longer continue with these living arrangements

@Tokyo5

"I’ve made it very clear that I can no longer continue with these living arrangements"

and his answer was? He gave you a timescale at the very least hopefully?

@MaggiesShadow honestly, you’re so right it’s scary how good you’ve read the situation. I did rush the whole thing without thinking it through (I often think about this) but unfortunately I need somehow now make the situation I’m now in better for me. The baby news wasn’t something I was prepared for because I could’ve waited few more years but he convinced me it would be the best thing to happen to us and now the LO is part of the reason why I’m pulling away from him because LO has made me realise how so much needs changing and hubby is completely oblivious to it. It’s just embarrassing to be in his parents home with our own new family and walking around egg shells feeling I’m being a cow towards them all, especially when it comes to not allowing them to be around my baby that often in the day. Grandparents are meant to make life easier (well my parents do) but I just can’t seem to give them my LO for long periods of time without wanting to rush back & grab LO back. If we didn’t have our LO I probably would’ve been ok living with in laws for another year because I would be out of the house majority of times but now I’m a SAHM so it’s made me very closed off to my in laws and DH.

@Alicorn1707 He said we would move next April, but we haven’t even started looking yet. And funnily enough, the other day we were talking about our LO starting nursery around that time, and he suggested a nursery close to his parents’ house. I asked why he’d suggest that when he knows we’re supposed to be relocating, and he just said that we could move LO to a different nursery later. I also don’t drive yet so the last thing I would want is his mum dropping and picking him up from nursery!

There's obviously a lot unsaid even though it's a long post - I'm not sure answers will necessarily be relevant to your situation without knowing why you left your amazing job in another country to marry a 42 year old man who still lives with his parents, and to move in with those parents yourself...

Presumably these is some cultural background that is relevant to how this ended up happening?

However regardless, if your question is "should we move out of my middle aged husband's parents' house?" The answer is obviously yes!

Can you afford to move out?

You can leave the house every day and take the baby with you - no need to stay in. When your baby is old enough obviously nursery is going to be ypur choice and get back to your career - both because it sounds as though you need to do that for your identity and to build a life of your own outside your husband's family in case you need to be a single parent.

I feel for you, I really do. Do you mind me asking where you moved to?

And I'm not one for screaming LTB every two minutes on here but your story is sadly very common and so it's not hard to extrapolate. Your LO is still very young by the sounds of it. That means that you may never have an opportunity like this one. Babies are much, MUCH easier to move and re-settle than older kids.

You absolutely cannot do anything about the choices you've made up to this point but you can make changes now to ensure your future isn't this bleak. You're walking on eggshells, you have no job, no family support close by, you can't drive so you have limited independence, and you're stuck with a family who make you feel like you're being a cow for having boundaries and wanting privacy, and a husband who makes vague mention of moving but then tries to put your child in a nursery where his parents are?

I'll be brutally honest - I think you've made a massive mistake even just from these few posts. And I think staying in this environment will only mitigate that mistake.

Is there any way you can go home? Back to your parents? Even for a couple of months? I think it can be really hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the situation. A little distance and time spent with family and the people who know you best could do you the world of good. And if your husband IS a decent partner who is willing to put your needs first (as he should be) then this time will be a wake-up call for him, too.

I agree with @Reification

This could well be written from another angle, about how you moved from abroad, moving into his parent's home, invading the space of his parents, and then the two of you had a baby therefore turning the household completely upside down. How the in-laws have done their utmost to accommodate you and look after you all, despite the obvious massive disruption but that you have been cold, aloof, and rude and made no effort to be part of the family even though you are living in their home. You've been there for a year now and are still making no real effort to find your own place.

I do agree with everyone, the thing you and your dh need to do is move out asap, and I'd also add for you to make the effort to start building your own community here (baby groups would seem an easy starting place), but I think you are looking at this situation in a VERY blinkered, and selfish way. It has been a massive lifestyle change for everyone here.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Absolutely agreed—moving out would solve pretty much all of my problems. I’d finally feel independent again and able to live life on my own terms. Living with them isn’t helping anyway; I still keep all of mine and the baby’s responsibilities separate because I don’t want his mum interfering.

She’s definitely turned my husband into a mouse. She cooks dinner for him every night and even packs his lunch for the next day. He’s not intimidated by her, but he’s absolutely been spoiled when it comes to anything related to housework. It’s ridiculous—he knows I’m not going to do the same for him. He’s 41, and I’m only 28, and I’ve been taking care of myself since I was young. DH will have a big shock when we move out at how much he will have to do! There’s no way I’m letting her turn our LO into another man-child, absolutely not. Once we’ve moved out I will keep my distance - I’m already thinking about her planning the dreaded once a week visits to see us.

His mum and I are complete opposites, which is almost funny. I’m very much a realist who is much more outspoken and can be pretty passive-aggressive when something she does bothers me. I make it very clear when I’m uncomfortable around her, while my husband just carries on like nothing is happening—and somehow I’m expected to stay happy living like this for the rest of my life?

@Tokyo5 he's 41 and has never lived independently? How did this all come about?

This. His parents aren't the unreasonable ones here and talking about boundaries is all very well in your own home when you are fully self sufficient, but you're not. Why are two fully grown adults with a baby depending on others to house and support them? You need to move out and support yourselves then you can set any boundaries you like

Your feelings are valid, and I would be irritated too - but I agree with @RecordBreakers’s point.

You’re living rent free in their house, how can you expect them to not be involved? You must have saved up more than enough to rent a place for yourselves. You can manage with a one bedroom place since you only have a baby.

Objectively, your in laws have been very helpful and welcoming. The only way to change things is to move out.

You certainly need to move to your own place. You sound like the DIL from hell. Must be terrible having MIL offering you somewhere to live and support with your baby.

‘moron’ …..I think this rather validates posters who feel the MIL may have another take on this,

@Tokyo5no, PP is not the moron here. You are failing to see any part in how unreasonable you are being. You are living in someone else's home who has been gracious enough to house and support you and your baby and you are being quite vile about them. This is your MIL's grandchild and it sounds as though she is trying to be loving and helpful. Why the nastiness?

Did you really just call another MNr a moron ? Because they didn't agree with you ? Hmm .Makes me wonder your true character . 🙁

Oh God, I'm 7 years further down this road than you are (NOT still living with in-laws!! 😅 But our story started the same as yours). We lived with them for a year and it was a year too long. You do definitely need to get your own place, but also, it doesn't get much better when you do. I still receive endless "concerned" WhatsApps from my MIL, so much unwanted advice (on everything from parenting - spoiler alert: they all just need a good smack 😬 - to "how to let your husband know you're open to intimacy" 🤢) I don't really have any advice from you, I just couldn't read and run because you triggered such flashbacks with your post 😆 I'm verrrry low contact with my MIL now, not that I think she's noticed - she's bulldozing along regardless 😂😭
I politely decline all offers of help now though, because that inequality when they were helping us (and it was incredibly helpful to be able to live with them and save for a deposit) sent their sense of entitlement to meddle in every aspect of our lives off the scale.

Edited to add: I didn't RTFT, only the OP. Scrolling back it looks like I missed a few updates...!

I’ve been in a similar situation before - living with an overbearing mil who has no boundaries drives you insane and ruins your relationship. DP and I never argued before we lived with her and we ended up at each other’s throats all the time because daily life was full of frustration with her.

I didn’t even have a new baby,. It would have been exactly like this if I did. SIL used to say she’d make a great Nan and I’d think “you have no idea what you’d be in for!”

I feel for you OP.

Keep demanding that move. I have a feeling he’s leading you on with that. When the baby is in nursery try to become as financially independent as possible and build your own community of people so you’re never in this situation again.