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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is our marriage doomed

30 replies

CheeryLemonHare · 06/12/2025 17:10

Not sure how to explain the issue but I will try and hopefully be able to get some advice.

My husband and I have been together about 25 years, no kids. We have always had a great relationship where we would have about one disagreement a year. Basically never argued and had a fantastic relationship. Over the last year we just can’t see eye to eye. When we talk about it he will say that I am picking on him, I am too sensitive, he has to watch what he is saying etc. I disagree! I feel that the way he talks to me is not how he would have spoken to me a year ago so when he does talk to me in a way that upsets me I will raise it with him and that’s when he will then blame it on me! He will say, I can’t say nothing, your too sensitive etc and it just goes round in circles.
it drives me crazy. I started to convince myself that perhaps I am too sensitive, but then when he upset me again I get frustrated and think no it’s not me. I raise what he has just said and then it all kicks off again, he will say it all again, you are picking on me, taking things the wrong way, it’s always about you etc etc and I start to get really upset and frustrated. This goes on and on and I feel like I am hitting my head off a brick wall.

i have come to a point that when we are good we are good but when this happens I hate him and just want to be in another room.
he has also said to me that he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He said he still loves me and would be devastated if we split but like me he can’t keep doing this.

what has happened to our relationship and how do we fix this! Is it fixable.

I know that as we get older we get grumpier and we change, I accept that but why can’t he see what I see and why can’t I see what he sees.
I just want the old us back. Ime scared our marriage is over

OP posts:

Dragonfly97 · 06/12/2025 17:16

Can you be more specific about the things you argue over? It's hard to judge who's being unreasonable otherwise.

tarheelbaby · 06/12/2025 17:21

And also, are there things you still enjoy doing together? Can you do those more often to rebuild some happiness? Or are there new things you would both enjoy doing together to create some new happy times?

Eyesopenwideawake · 06/12/2025 17:25

Very little to go on it your post, but if you had to guess, what would be your instinct?

Terrribletwos · 06/12/2025 17:25

I don't understand. You say that you used to have one disagreement a year so what is it that you are now disagreeing over?

Echobelly · 06/12/2025 17:27

As people have said, not much to go on. It sounds fixable, at least with counselling, to me. After 18 years of marriage there are definitely times I feel less loved-up about DH, but I have found they do pass, but nothing's come to a stage where we felt we needed outside help.

Cadenza12 · 06/12/2025 17:34

It sounds like he's unhappy but isn't willing to either acknowledge it or say why. The only way to go is to get things out into the open when things are really going well. Don't be surprised if you don't like what you hear.

ChristmasinBrighton · 06/12/2025 17:37

Counselling?

Periperi2025 · 06/12/2025 17:39

How old are you? Could you be perimenopausel/ menopausal?

This does not mean that you are oversensitive, it could be that your tolerance for annoying men has lowered (a frequent symptom of perimenopause!!). Or it could be a bit of both.

YellowCherry · 06/12/2025 17:39

I think counselling is a good idea. It sounds like the problem is around communication- a good counsellor should be able to give you some tools for more effective communication.

mondaytosunday · 06/12/2025 17:56

I think a sign of a marriage breaking down is this low level bickering. Perhaps outside help may turn things around.

Original poster

CheeryLemonHare · 06/12/2025 18:14

Terrribletwos · 06/12/2025 17:25

I don't understand. You say that you used to have one disagreement a year so what is it that you are now disagreeing over?

What I mean is we never argued and if we did it was very rare.
now we can’t see eye to eye and bicker constantly.

2 episodes yesterday.

1st - he was watching our dog on the camera in his phone. I asked him how the dog was doing and he said “if there is anything to tell you I will”
I asked him why he is being so rude, he said what was wrong with that! he said I am taking things the wrong way
i think that was very patronising and not a way you would talk to your wife! I felt like he was really saying in a round about way don’t talk unless you need to!

that ended up with him being defensive and getting cross with me and he couldn’t see it from my point of view. He said there was nothing wrong with what he said!

2nd - I posted a happy 60th on Facebook, love you.
I could tell there was something wrong by the way he was looking at me. I asked him what was wrong and he said I see you posted on Facebook. I said yes did you like the photos. He said he liked the photos but wasn’t happy with me posting!
confused.com. What was the problem?
he said he likes to be private and I shouldn’t need to post on Facebook to say happy birthday. So I said why have you got your profile so that people can see your birthday and why have you liked everybody’s messages. What is so wrong with mine? He said because we are husband and wife and shouldn’t need to say things on Facebook!

i started crying and could not understand wtf is going wrong and what is it that I am doing wrong and he got very defensive and said it’s always about me, he can’t do or say anything without me taking it personally, he is sick of it and doesn’t see a future if this carries on. That’s one thing we did agree on!
I had to walk away because I felt like he was just turning it round on me and I wanted to hit my head off a brick wall.

i really don’t understand what’s happening

OP posts:

Loubelou71 · 06/12/2025 18:16

I can see what you mean. I think the dog example he was being rude and it was hurtful to say about Facebook post. Have you previously posted birthdays on Facebook? Why would he complain now? It's like he doesn't like you very much. I'd be upset too

FallowF · 06/12/2025 18:23

The birthday thing is a bit of a trigger for me. Do you normally acknowledge his birthday on Facebook? Is it new that he doesn't want this?

I think a reasonably sudden. attitude change towards your spouse after such a long time can be an indicator of something going on, maybe an overall change of feeling or perhaps, a wandering eye?

Sorry to mention that. Hope I'm wrong.

Original poster

CheeryLemonHare · 06/12/2025 18:34

FallowF · 06/12/2025 18:23

The birthday thing is a bit of a trigger for me. Do you normally acknowledge his birthday on Facebook? Is it new that he doesn't want this?

I think a reasonably sudden. attitude change towards your spouse after such a long time can be an indicator of something going on, maybe an overall change of feeling or perhaps, a wandering eye?

Sorry to mention that. Hope I'm wrong.

Hey thanks for your views. Yes I have posted on Facebook before, holidays birthdays etc but he said I never ever ask his permission I just do it and he doesn’t like people knowing his business. He says too many people tell other people there business in Facebook and it’s just for attention.

i would be very surprised if he was looking elsewhere. Ime not saying he doesn’t look but I have never had doubt in our relationship. He just isn’t interested in playing around. We only have each other. He isn’t out and about with friends only with me.

OP posts:

KilliMonjaro · 06/12/2025 18:36

Periperi2025 · 06/12/2025 17:39

How old are you? Could you be perimenopausel/ menopausal?

This does not mean that you are oversensitive, it could be that your tolerance for annoying men has lowered (a frequent symptom of perimenopause!!). Or it could be a bit of both.

This

Original poster

CheeryLemonHare · 06/12/2025 18:40

Loubelou71 · 06/12/2025 18:16

yes my thoughts too....i asked him do i irritate him now. he said no but that's how it feels to me by his words and actions

OP posts:

Ejvd · 06/12/2025 19:31

Hes told you in the past he doesn't want you posting about him on Facebook and you wont respect his boundaries.

In both of the examples you've posted, he doesn't sound bad. He could have been a bit nicer about the dog though. He does need to treat you with politeness and respect. And acknowledge when hes fallen short.

But I don't think he's necessarily the problem here. You don't come out of this sounding great.

Coffeislife · 06/12/2025 19:57

Why was he watching the dog on the camera ?

Endofyear · 06/12/2025 20:20

If his attitude towards you has changed and he's picking at every little thing, I would also suspect he's had his head turned by someone else. Someone at work? Does he have any hobbies?

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 06/12/2025 20:51

Has he just told you now he’s never liked the posts on Facebook or has he said it before?
if you are both getting to the point of walking counselling is surely worth a go?

Patagonia21 · 06/12/2025 21:41

Could he be feeling sensitive at the moment due to turning 60? It can feel like a landmark age and for some men in particular acquaintances start becoming ill or dying. I have noticed this.

ChikinLikin · 06/12/2025 22:09

He's become more grumpy, rude and irritable with age. Some men do. It's probably hormonal. You don't have to tolerate it though.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/12/2025 01:02

I understand the Facebook thing and if he says he doesn't want it he doesn't want it!
But the dog comment was rude and uncalled for.
Maybe you both need a nice holiday to reconnect , a dose of vitamins in case ye are rundown and maybe a new exercise routine etc just to freshen things up a bit.
Did either of you just lose a parent as underlying grief can affect a relationship?

perfectcolourfound · 07/12/2025 09:07

I agree, the dog comment was rude.

The facebook comment - harder to say. I don't understand why people put out public messages to someone they live with - especially a gushing 'I love you' which is a bit (to me) cringy. However, if he's never minded you doing that before, and never said he doesn't like it, it's a bit odd he's now so annoyed about it.

If he's told you before he doesn't like it, then you were in the wrong to post it.

In any case, starting to cry seems a strong reaction. Do you think that you are reacting more strongly to small upsets than you used to?

This could be that your DH has become more irritable, or that you have become more sensitive, or both. Perhaps you are both feeding off the other's changes and in a cycle of decline.

Try to see both sides, and to encourage your DH to do the same. And both be honest with yourselves if you're acting differently yourself.

user1471465047 · 07/12/2025 09:45

You are not alone with this. I am Watching with interest as I could have written this post.

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