Is our marriage doomed

[CheeryLemonHare]

Not sure how to explain the issue but I will try and hopefully be able to get some advice.

My husband and I have been together about 25 years, no kids. We have always had a great relationship where we would have about one disagreement a year. Basically never argued and had a fantastic relationship. Over the last year we just can’t see eye to eye. When we talk about it he will say that I am picking on him, I am too sensitive, he has to watch what he is saying etc. I disagree! I feel that the way he talks to me is not how he would have spoken to me a year ago so when he does talk to me in a way that upsets me I will raise it with him and that’s when he will then blame it on me! He will say, I can’t say nothing, your too sensitive etc and it just goes round in circles.
it drives me crazy. I started to convince myself that perhaps I am too sensitive, but then when he upset me again I get frustrated and think no it’s not me. I raise what he has just said and then it all kicks off again, he will say it all again, you are picking on me, taking things the wrong way, it’s always about you etc etc and I start to get really upset and frustrated. This goes on and on and I feel like I am hitting my head off a brick wall.

i have come to a point that when we are good we are good but when this happens I hate him and just want to be in another room.
he has also said to me that he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He said he still loves me and would be devastated if we split but like me he can’t keep doing this.

what has happened to our relationship and how do we fix this! Is it fixable.

I know that as we get older we get grumpier and we change, I accept that but why can’t he see what I see and why can’t I see what he sees.
I just want the old us back. Ime scared our marriage is over

The dog thing was rude (unless you question him about it incessantly), but I understand the FB issue; especially as it sounds like he's told you before that he doesn't like his business there. FB friends wishing him a happy birthday is different to his spouse posting his pictures, etc.

Please don't take this the wrong way sweetheart, but when men suddenly start criticising and starting pointless rows in this way - there is very often another woman behind the scenes.

It's a bit unclear. Did he say at the time that he didn't like it on previous birthdays when you posted a happy birthday message on FB? If so, then he has a valid point. If this was the first time he's complaining about it and saying now that you didn't ask permission all those times (and he's happily liking other people's birthday messages) then he is definitely just being unpleasant to you.

It sounds like a horrible dynamic, as though he is deliberately provoking and criticising you in order to upset you.

Me too. Some days he has such a chip on his shoulder he is unbearable.

Irritable, unreasonable, awkward, and behaves just like a grumpy old man. His competitive streak and his need to be the best goes in to overdrive and he picks fault with everything I do. This lasts a few days and then he returns to normal. I really don’t understand it and put it down to boredom since he is newly retired . Especially as he was ultra competitive at work .

I recognise this sort of situation, where nothing either one says seems to be right, causing immense upset and frustration and stress. You feel like you can't open your mouth without causing problems and the whole vicious circle of offence/failed explanation/failed resolution drives you nuts. But I don't think your marriage is doomed or that he's got someone else. I think it's just a phase to work through.
I'm wondering what your lives are like at the moment. Are you both working? Got friends/hobbies/fun, joyful things, together and apart/enough downtime/space from each other? Just wondering, because, while I totally get why you took the dog comment as rude, it could also be a tired person, who needed a bit of space and peace, saying just exactly what he said, with no intention to offend, just that if there was anything worth saying about the dog, he would tell you. I can imagine saying something similar, when I'm tired of talking and having people around me. Does this more neutral interpretation work for you? I think what can happen, after a stressful period like you're having, each person becomes super-sensitised. He talks and you're ready to be offended. You talk and he's ready to be irritated or whatever.
How to get out of the spiral? I would stop for a minute with the awful going round and round with explanations of what he said/meant, what you heard/felt/thought...it's enough to drive both of you round the bend!
Take the heat out of the situation. Sit him down and say, "Look, I really love you and I hate it when we're like this. I love... (say 5 things you genuinely love and value about him and your 25 years)." Ask him to do the same for you. I think if you're reassured that he loves you, you won't be so prone to taking his words negatively.
You can always talk about the specifics of tone of voice etc later. For the minute, concentrate on getting out of the swamp of endless, draining bickering. Lots of positive, loving words and actions on both sides needed.