It never really gets better does it?

[NotThisAgainPart74]

I've posted before under different names he tso I know most of you will think being in this position is my own fault. I don't know why, even knowing my H is a narcissist is abused and narcissistic, and knowing he mostly makes my life harder and more stressful, I still don't feel compelled to leave. I have some ND if that makes a difference but I'm a very intelligent and strong women otherwise (or so I thought!). I have a senior professional job and I stand up for myself.

At home, I feel bullied a lot of the time. Not all the time, but generally any time my H's mood takes it or if he doesn't get his own way, things are not good. He doesn't hit me. He has physically hurt me in the past but always small things he could answer away. He'll push past me, he'll grab something out of my hand, he grabbed me and shouted in my face once. I told my mum and his but surprisingly they didn't think it was a big deal. He's very calm and charming in front of them and I sound like I'm exaggerating.

He talks at me. He'll tell me all the ways I'm wrong or have a go at me but won't let me answer. Won't pause. Will ask a question but carry on talking. If I say something to him he doesn't like, which could be as simple as asking him to pick up his clothes that are thrown around our home office and if he doesn't like what I'm saying he walks out of the room, shouts or hides under the duvet. I don't have to be having a go for him to do that, he just can't take any sort of criticism, or what he sees as criticism.

Last night I said the DC (reception age) could sleep in our bed and usually he doesn't mind too much as he tends to like sleeping alone anyway so will go in the other room. This morning he was in the next room and the DC and I were having cuddles and watching TV in bed. I called DH to come in and cuddle with us. I called a few times as he didn't answer. Fine. An hour later he came bounding into the bedroom shouting about how he doesn't like being called from another room or downstairs and I could have woken him up if he'd been asleep (he admitted he wasnt) and he was concentrating on the game he was playing (he plays this game on his phone before work, during the day, after work, in bed... and it takes priority over everything else) and I said but I didn't wake you and we were just calling you for a hug. He was still angry and properly shouting, imitating me calling him and shouting really loudly. He then came to get in the bed and threw my DC toys across the room onto the floor so they started crying. He then lay in the bed next to us and carried on shouting and being angry.

I started recording him as he got angry. He reached over and then grabbed my arm like he wanted to break it. I said something and he let go but replied saying he'd wanted to break my arm. I have this on recording. I then said I'd call the police and at this point he left, which is probably for the best. He'd said earlier he wouldn't be back tonight which is fine, he's better off gone.

We share a car so he's taken my car. I'm supposed to be going to a party tonight and I've paid £40 for a ticket. He won't be here to look after DC and I won't have the car or car seat to take them to my parents. I still feel relieved he's gone!

I have very bad PMT so worried about how I'll get through the day but I'll do it...

I'm sorry, OP, that all sounds awful.

I think it will only get better if you and he split and you leave.
Living like that just sounds miserable.

OP, didn’t want to read and run. I think the title of your post is a good one - you are acknowledging that it’s not going to get better and really, it doesn’t seem like it is from what you say.

You don’t have to prove to anyone including your parents how he behaves and how that makes you feel, there’s no level of escalation that it has to get to before you decide this is not working. The grabbing and pushing and shouting in your face are for many people the beginning not the end of worse things as lots of posts on Mumsnet explain.

You say you feel bullied a lot of the time - that’s a good way of describing it. Don’t push that insight or what you’ve shared here to the back of your mind. What would you tell a friend who made this post?

The Idea of the whole process of splitting just seems too much. He wouldn't just move out and it would be hard for me to do that with the child so he wouldn't be unbearable. He makes it very well known if he's not happy and believes in revenge. He'll do nasty little things like put the bedroom light on when I'm trying to sleep to make a point and keep turning my back on. Just now he's come back to get something (not sure what) and he's driven off again. He'd be awful to coparent with and would just be difficult about everything.

He has another child from a previous relationship, now grown up, but they split when the DC was a toddler and I can see why. He obviously says I'm the problem and the reason he gets angry etc but he's always been like this.

This all sounds like an awful set up - for both you and the kids.

I hope you take use this momentum to make a change and separate for good.

Could you find an hour this weekend to pull financial info (savings, debts, mortgage, both your salaries and pensions) and then speak to a solicitor this week? - doesn't matter if you don't have all or even most of that to hand, grab what you can and get the ball rolling with a solicitor.

I would tell a friend to get out and I realise I don't need to prove anything to my family or his but in the early days I felt so conflicted and I felt like I needed some reassurance that his behaviour isn't normal. It's not that easy to actually leave. I've been with him for nearly 20 years. I was young when I met him. No way would I entertain someone like him if I met him now.

OP there is no way living like this is harder than splitting up.

You have a decent income which is half the battle. Maybe get some therapeutic support to help you through it, but seriously just get on with separating - take it one step and one day at a time, till it is done.

Do it for your children if not yourself.

You know his behaviour isn't normal.

I'd honestly suggest less thinking - focus on doing.

Separating is never easy but it passes - just start, one step at a time.

An hour to pull your financials this weekend

20 minutes to look up the Grey Rock technique which you can start applying to him

An appointment with a solicitor this week

Look up counsellors next weekend if that would help (I think it probably would help you to get out of your head)

Step by step, till it's done.

OP

re your comment
"The Idea of the whole process of splitting just seems too much".

Why does it feel too much?. I would advise you to feel the fear and do it anyway. It is not easier to stay with such a man for what are really your own reasons. Your current H threw their toys off your bed. That is so very awful and a memory that will stay with them. You would advise a friend to get out so I feel you need to take your own advice here. Less thinking or ruminating, more doing!.

All this about being with him for 20 years is the sunk costs fallacy. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. He targeted you when you were much younger in order to abuse you.

re your comment:
"He wouldn't just move out and it would be hard for me to do that with the child so he wouldn't be unbearable. He makes it very well known if he's not happy and believes in revenge. He'll do nasty little things like put the bedroom light on when I'm trying to sleep to make a point and keep turning my back on. Just now he's come back to get something (not sure what) and he's driven off again. He'd be awful to coparent with and would just be difficult about everything".

Practically all abusive men refuse to move out and the other behaviours you are describing here is him wanting to maintain power and control over your kids as well as you. This is typical of abusive men and he will want to continue to abuse you (and in turn the kids) post divorce. He's not going to ever be father of the year to them.

What are they going to remember about their own childhoods if you stay with him; they will remember all of this and more besides and its no life for them either.

"I have some ND if that makes a difference but I'm a very intelligent and strong women otherwise (or so I thought!). I have a senior professional job and I stand up for myself".

Even strong women can become targeted for abuse just as you have. Abuse is no respecter of persons and anyone can be targeted. Many abusers like strong women who think they stand up for themselves because it gives them an extra challenge in taking them down just as your H has done with you. He's harmed you and in turn your kids here and will continue to do so. You cannot protect your DC here from him whilst you are all under the same roof.

If you were my daughter I would be so cross with you for staying, you must leave next time might not just be a threat of a broken arm and it could be your child’s not yours. Trust me, he will suddenly realise that he can hurt you by hurting the children and he will - I know this as a fact.

you say you have this morning’s threat on your phone, send it to your parents, and call the police, that’s domestic violence. You need to report this even if you can’t face going further today you must at least have this on record.

i know it seems impossible to leave, but you can, it sounds like you can financially support yourself and the children ? In which case what’s stopping you.

You need to leave for the sake of your children . This is damaging to both the kids and yourself

Your DC living with him is “too much”. They’re young enough to cope with a split. Get away from this abusive arsehole.

What will the police do?

If I could just get him to go that would be great

He's also a professional and would do anything to avoid being in trouble which is why I think he left when I said I'd call the police but of course I chickened out of that. Not sure what I'm scared of

Mayne the threat that I will call the police any time he is even slightly physically aggressive might be enough to get him to leave.

But part of my just wants him to see the error of his way and for us to live happily every after which I know isn't going to happen

Im not worried he's going to properly hurt me or worse purely because of his own self preservation. He'll break things and shout but he won't do something that will get him into real trouble. He does come close to losing it sometimes and I'm not the kind of person who shuts up because I'm told to.

He sounds horrendous. I would definitely see a solicitor and start the process of separating. All the time this goes in, it damages your mental health and that of your dc. Honestly, my dsis stayed 27 years with a man like this. Her adult dc really struggle with life. Can't study, can't work, can't socialise. Their childhood was mainly living in fear, walking on eggshells around a volatile man. I'm sorry to be blunt and i don't mean to guilt trip you but you all deserve a better life than this.

If you are worried about your physical safety I would give Women's Aid a ring - they can advise on the safe ways to leave, and on when the police can be helpful and how to ask them.

Oh sorry I misread - well if you aren't worried about that, that's good.

So - just get going.

Tell him that unless he leaves tonight you eill
contact the police and a lawyer with the evidence from today of him wanting to break your arm. You say you wouldn’t tolerate someone like him now- but you are. And you are setting your child up to do this to. sorry but you are. So see it as protecting your child if you can’t protect yourself!

Obviously you need a plan in place before divorcing him. Could someone come to live with you until he moves out? Could you go live with your parents? Think practical. I am sure he won't want anyone to know what an ass he is so you have to plan in order not be alone with him.

"He'll break things and shout but he won't do something that will get him into real trouble. He does come close to losing it sometimes and I'm not the kind of person who shuts up because I'm told to".

You are at high risk of being physically harmed by this man. Someone is going to get physically hurt here in time. He's already escalating and you cannot assume he won't ever become physical.

He breaks things - not his things I daresay. Your kids items (he's recently thrown them off the bed) and your possessions. This is a form of domestic violence.

Your kids and you need to grow and thrive in a non abusive household. You will need to divorce him in order to get him out. Your H will never leave otherwise because he likes things at home as they are and he gets the additional bonus of abusing you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Did no-one ever tell you the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make better choices now and with them and you in mind. Not your current H. He knows you won't call the police currently at least. Do not protect him from the consequences of his actions.

"He's also a professional and would do anything to avoid being in trouble which is why I think he left when I said I'd call the police but of course I chickened out of that. Not sure what I'm scared of"

What are you scared of? That this will become more real and or blow up in your face?. That is already happening.

Many abusive men are also quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your H. If you do not follow through on a threat to call the police now then he knows that you are unlikely to do so in future.

That's not what I said. I said I wouldn't tolerate it if I met him now. I'd see the red flags but I didn't at the time, not to the degree I would now. I'm sure you're trying to help nit twisting what I'm saying isn't helpful.

Well no because I remember my dad throwing a toy because he didn't like the noise. My mum would swear at me and call me names. I have an ok relationship with them now but it's fair to say they were abusive, especially my mother, so I didn't realise how bad it was.