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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do about husbands Lies

48 replies

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:12

Sorry this is a long story. Back in May I discovered my husband of twenty years had betrayed and deceived me in a massive way. I can't go into all the details, and it wasn't your usual cheating, it was much worse and involved a massive web of lies that spanned years. My world fell apart. He seemed extremely sorry, never seen anyone so broken, so I gave him another chance. He promised (even put it in writing!) that he would deal with the lying. He seemed to be doing a lot of soul searching and work to understand why he did what he did. I told him any more lies of any kind and there wouldn't be any second chances. However, he's away to work and his iPad is lying out. Turns out he's being going to a massage place while lying and saying he is at the pub, doing the shopping etc. Now, this came up as an aside in the original drama and I told him I had no problem with him going for a legitimate massage (which he swore they where) and the problem was the lying. Well here he is lying again, as recently as last week. I've looked the places up, they are tai massage places. They have premises but I guess that doesn't mean a lot does it? He books by texting a mobile number. There must be more going on right or why lie? Anyway, even it it wasn't the case, he still lied when I told him that was a deal breaker. I am sat here in a total mess knowing I need to confront him when he gets home tonight. I don't feel in a position where I can walk away. I am financially dependent on him (he saw to that- all part of the original betrayal as it involved my career) I have nowhere to go. The thought of a life without him is horrible but so is the thought of continuing. We really did have a beautiful life together until all this came out six months ago so I just can't understand why I'm not enough. No kids involved just in case that's relevant.

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JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:18

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JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:20

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catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:23

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I only have a part time job and I live really remotely, I have no idea where I'd start to get enough income to live on my own...

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Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2025 13:25

I've been out with a liar. Quite honestly there is zero hope for this relationship and you need to break it off.
Liars often act repentant but in reality they don't give a shit and will continue to lie and cheat. They will never change.
They have found out that lying is so much easier than facing up to things like an adult and communicating properly - it's a huge personality flaw.

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:26

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catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:26

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2025 13:25

I've been out with a liar. Quite honestly there is zero hope for this relationship and you need to break it off.
Liars often act repentant but in reality they don't give a shit and will continue to lie and cheat. They will never change.
They have found out that lying is so much easier than facing up to things like an adult and communicating properly - it's a huge personality flaw.

He admitted to being a compulsive liar and he was getting help for that but I guess it's not something that can be helped.

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GrumpyInsomniac · 04/12/2025 13:26

I think the very fact that he has claimed to be soul-searching and working out why he lied is such obvious bollocks that you have to know he can’t be trusted.

People lie because they think that someone’s opinion of them will be altered if they knew the truth. Sometimes that alteration just means a friendship or business relationship will change, times like this in your marriage he lied to you because he knew that being married to you made his life better or easier and he doesn’t want to lose that. And he knew his behaviour was so bad that you wouldn’t accept it. It doesn’t take any soul-searching to work that out. Just the ability to be honest with oneself.

Get a job, and start planning your exit. Look at what skills you have and whether any of those could translate into remote work. And take a hard look at whether there is evidence of financial abuse beyond him manipulating you into giving up work. Do you have full visibility of the household finances and equal access to them to spend money?

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:27

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Figgygal · 04/12/2025 13:27

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:23

I only have a part time job and I live really remotely, I have no idea where I'd start to get enough income to live on my own...

So you've left yourself vulnerable and he's continuing to lie to you because he knows he can.
Can you work more hours at your current employer? Can you find a new role? What is your housing situation If you split up ? maybe book yourself in with a free consultation solicitor and explore what your options are

TFImBackIn · 04/12/2025 13:29

Go to see a lawyer and get some proper advice there. After 20 years of married life anything he owns has to be split with you. I'm not sure why you're working part time when you don't have kids and you have a terrible marriage. Now might be the time to change that. And don't live remotely if it doesn't suit your working life - that's an indulgence.

WonsWoo · 04/12/2025 13:29

You say you told him no second chances. If you stay with him now he’s just going to see that as an empty threat and he’ll keep on doing it. You threatening to end things didn’t prevent him from lying. He’s certainly not going to stop if you stay.

Chairwoman4 · 04/12/2025 13:33

There is nothing to lie about here, this massage place is exactly what you think it is. There is no lies tha can evade him out of this.

Hes putting your physical health at risk. It’s not just a case of “oh I could get the clap” , worse can happen.

He wouldn’t put you at physical and emotional risk if her cared that much.

The idea of leaving is terrifying and you’re going to have to take some loss before you blossom again, but life is too short . Another chance out there with someone who couldn’t bare to do this to you - it’s possible.

BadgernTheGarden · 04/12/2025 13:34

Talk to a solicitor about what you would get as a divorce settlement and look for a job or a better job!

Tighteningmybelt · 04/12/2025 13:36

He won’t change

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:36

Chairwoman4 · 04/12/2025 13:33

There is nothing to lie about here, this massage place is exactly what you think it is. There is no lies tha can evade him out of this.

Hes putting your physical health at risk. It’s not just a case of “oh I could get the clap” , worse can happen.

He wouldn’t put you at physical and emotional risk if her cared that much.

The idea of leaving is terrifying and you’re going to have to take some loss before you blossom again, but life is too short . Another chance out there with someone who couldn’t bare to do this to you - it’s possible.

Thank you. You're right. I need to stop being such a door mat I think.

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GrumpyInsomniac · 04/12/2025 13:40

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:36

Thank you. You're right. I need to stop being such a door mat I think.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s conditioned you to accept his behaviour over the length of your marriage and that’s hard to break out of. The important thing is that you’ve seen the truth of the situation and can start working on a life that works for you 💐

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:41

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cocog · 04/12/2025 13:41

Just leave you will be ok. Sell the house and split everything in the divorce and get a full time job.
Don’t spend your life like this you could be so happy in a years time.

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:45

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I have a car and a license yes.

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Sassylovesbooks · 04/12/2025 13:48

It's highly unlikely your husband is going for a normal massage - it's one where the customer pays for 'extra services' and is probably a front for a brothel. The problem is, you told your husband you didn't mind him going for massages! In his mind it's all justified because you told him massages were OK. He'll deny that the massage is anything more and you're paranoid. Your mistake was giving him the benefit of the doubt when you found out he'd told huge lies, which were significant. He's a compulsive liar, and he's never going to stop. You said that you wouldn't put up with any further lies. If you yet again 'forgive' him or 'turn a blind eye', he knows no matter what he does or what lies he tells, you won't do anything. You need to gather financial information and see a solicitor. You've been married 20 years, so you will be entitled to a reasonable divorce settlement. Start looking to go back to work full-time, if you can.

Tomatocutwithazigzagedge · 04/12/2025 13:49

If it was an innocent massage why wouldn't he tell you about booking it and going to the appointments?

I was married to a liar for 15 years. Couldn't trust anything ever. It's a really stressful way to live. The calm I have now in my life, with just me to trust is absolutely priceless. Gaslighting and lies play absolute havoc with your mental and eventually, physical health. I'd rather work 50 hours a week and trust myself rather than rely on a liar.

I'd make a an appointment to see a solicitor to get an understanding of what you're entitled to. Start reviewing other areas to move to, where you can afford a property for yourself and get full time work. Life is too short to put up with lying a-holes.

Rewis · 04/12/2025 13:50

While the lies are upsetting, I'd be even more mad about hom using sex workers.

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 13:57

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catfished83 · 04/12/2025 14:05

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No you're right, I'm not thinking straight. I'm 40.

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JC19827 · 04/12/2025 14:11

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