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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do about husbands Lies

48 replies

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:12

Sorry this is a long story. Back in May I discovered my husband of twenty years had betrayed and deceived me in a massive way. I can't go into all the details, and it wasn't your usual cheating, it was much worse and involved a massive web of lies that spanned years. My world fell apart. He seemed extremely sorry, never seen anyone so broken, so I gave him another chance. He promised (even put it in writing!) that he would deal with the lying. He seemed to be doing a lot of soul searching and work to understand why he did what he did. I told him any more lies of any kind and there wouldn't be any second chances. However, he's away to work and his iPad is lying out. Turns out he's being going to a massage place while lying and saying he is at the pub, doing the shopping etc. Now, this came up as an aside in the original drama and I told him I had no problem with him going for a legitimate massage (which he swore they where) and the problem was the lying. Well here he is lying again, as recently as last week. I've looked the places up, they are tai massage places. They have premises but I guess that doesn't mean a lot does it? He books by texting a mobile number. There must be more going on right or why lie? Anyway, even it it wasn't the case, he still lied when I told him that was a deal breaker. I am sat here in a total mess knowing I need to confront him when he gets home tonight. I don't feel in a position where I can walk away. I am financially dependent on him (he saw to that- all part of the original betrayal as it involved my career) I have nowhere to go. The thought of a life without him is horrible but so is the thought of continuing. We really did have a beautiful life together until all this came out six months ago so I just can't understand why I'm not enough. No kids involved just in case that's relevant.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 04/12/2025 14:17

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

you MAY, given that you have been made financially dependant because of the lies, which you have proof of, and it has a detrimental effect on your career, be in a position to request spousal maintanance, at least in the short term. Its certainly not a given, but its worth a shot.
Are there legs in financial abuse which could open doors to legal aid?

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2025 14:18

You have years ahead of you OP, please don't stay with a liar, they never change. You don't have kids to worry about and you can drive so that's a good start. Make an appointmdnt to see a solicitor ASAP to find out your financial position. Do you own your house and is it in joint names? Also as others have said see if you can up your hours at work.Start living separately at home and stick to your guns about no second chances.

NettleTea · 04/12/2025 14:19

and liars can often do it as a form of power and control, as in the fact that they are in a better position as they know all the facts, which are withheld from the other person.

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 14:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

glendabrownlow · 04/12/2025 14:19

I was married to a liar for 20 years. They never change. You will have such a sense of relief and peace when you split, OP.

PashaMinaMio · 04/12/2025 14:26

You must absolutely keep a cool head and start thinking straight.

Make appointment with a solicitor. When you phone ask if they do half hour free consultation. Many do in off peak hours.

Gather and photocopy as much financial documents as you can, bank statements etc. pension statements.

While husband is away, get an estate agent in to value the house.

Make notes and take photos of important financial stuff. Take screen shots of his stuff stored on the iPad.

Talk to your best friend or someone whose opinion you trust.

When he returns, give him time to decompress and relax so you catch him on the hop, take your note pad to any conversation you have with him and confront him! Watch him go pale!!

You have a mountain to climb OP but next year this time, with a fair wind and lots of courage, you will be happier not worrying about the $hit and total disrespect he’s secretly dishing out.
Good luck.

Iloveyoubut · 04/12/2025 14:42

You only have two choices .. live with a liar and find a way to be ok with it … or don’t. I’ve been there. It’s brutal. But it’s the truth at least

80s · 04/12/2025 14:56

I am sat here in a total mess knowing I need to confront him when he gets home tonight.
Why do you need to discuss this with him? You know what's going on, and all he can do is nod along or lie more.

I don't feel in a position where I can walk away. Baby steps OP. You don't have to go straight from this to a finished solution. There might be some intermediate solutions, e.g. him staying in a B&B or with his family, while you sort other stuff out.

I just can't understand why I'm not enough.
You're fine. He's not good enough.

Go to the doctor if you need medical support, look up non-medical means of improving your mood, read books, listen to podcasts, contact friends and family - don't assume they are too busy etc - and get therapy.

No need to mention the latest shit, or that you are planning on finishing with him, until you've got a few steps further. He's not on your team now. That means you no longer have to beg and hope that he'll support you. You can do it the way you want.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2025 22:16

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 13:26

He admitted to being a compulsive liar and he was getting help for that but I guess it's not something that can be helped.

I really don't think so. Its a compulsive condition like hoarding.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2025 22:22

There are lots of articles about pathological lying, worth a read. I was with one for two years he almost destroyed me.

Deadringer · 05/12/2025 11:34

At 40 you are young enough to start again, its scary, but you can do it. Anything is better than being a bit player in your own life, and relationship, with a leading character who is a compulsive liar and a serial cheat. He has ruined 20 years of your life, the rest is yours to do what you want with.

cosmicbabe · 05/12/2025 14:43

Start again. You have zero to lose at this point. Good luck OP!

WearyCat · 05/12/2025 20:47

He has probably been abusing you- your dependence suggests financial abuse or emotional abuse at the very least. Don’t confront him tonight, because he will start again with the manipulation. Instead, prepare to leave: see a solicitor, get his salary and pension details, get more hours at work. Then you have the power because you’ll be ready and he’ll be unsuspecting.

summitfever · 05/12/2025 20:52

I was married to a compulsive liar, it was drugs that were the issue with him and he’d look me dead in the eye and lie without flinching…even when we both knew it was bullshit! He’d also lie when there wasn’t even any need to, just sheer ingrained behaviour. I left at 30, 4 years ago. My life is infinitely more peaceful albeit I’m poorer financially. Can’t buy peace, longer you leave it the further you are from happiness, just go op it won’t get better.

Ohhhtheshameofit · 05/12/2025 20:56

It is absolutely nothing to do with you “not being enough”. He has poor morals and a wandering cock. He believes he is entitled to “more”. Those are his problems, not yours. Have you lied, cheated, deceived anyone? Dropped your pants for some other person? No? Well then, it’s him not you.
Find your anger op. He’s a twat.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 05/12/2025 21:20

You need to find a way to leave him.

InBedBy10 · 05/12/2025 21:35

You seriously need therapy to build your self esteem. This man has lied to you your entire relationship. He is still lying and has admitted to being a compulsive liar. At this point you are willingly going along with it.

He is not going to change. He is not going to end it with you because right now he is having his cake and eating it. And you have already proven he can shit on you as much as he likes and you're just going to put up with it while giving him some false ultimatums, you both know you are not going to follow through with.

Pinkissmart · 05/12/2025 21:52

So, he ruined your career?

CatPawsAreCute · 05/12/2025 21:59

catfished83 · 04/12/2025 14:05

No you're right, I'm not thinking straight. I'm 40.

OP, time to get a grip! You're young, you've been married 20 years, there are marital assets that belong to both of you. You can easily start a full time job and gradually get back into a career.

Don't let what is happening brow beat you into thinking you can't start over and make the next 40+ years good years.

💐

PInkyStarfish · 05/12/2025 22:11

You’re his housekeeper not his romantic partner and he has grubby sexual preferences which include being masturbated by sex workers under the guise of being a massage parlour.

Personally, I would rather live in a tree that stay one minute longer with this repulsive liar.

Get legal advice, you’ll be surprised at what you can get after being married for so long.

JadedVeryJaded · 05/12/2025 22:13

You have to LTB

DearieLuvvie · 05/12/2025 22:18

Iloveyoubut · 04/12/2025 14:42

You only have two choices .. live with a liar and find a way to be ok with it … or don’t. I’ve been there. It’s brutal. But it’s the truth at least

Yep. I agree. I’ve been there too.

Enrichetta · 05/12/2025 22:27

You are young and can start again. Dust off your career credentials and start applying for jobs. Not necessarily in your neck of the woods - go where the jobs are.

In the meantime, get organised and file for divorce. Given your lengthy marriage, you can expect 50% of all marital assets. You need to be methodical: do your homework* and collect evidence of all assets, including bank/investment statements, salary slips/P60s, pensions, house deeds, mortgage….. everything. Then see an experienced family solicitor.

*Homework: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites.

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