What words to use.

[couldthisbe2501]

Hi, in October 2023 I tried to leave my husband. It lasted 24 hours but his sheer upset I couldn’t cope with and I went back. I don’t want to be here.

My husband is a good man, he is generous and mostly kind. I am 42 and he is 48. I have been married since I was 21. On the whole it has been a peaceful marriage and although we go on many holidays and have ‘nice’ things it feels, and has done for a long time, as though we are just roommates who go to work and then come home and sit on the settee watching the latest series.

I have fallen out of love with him. I have lots of love for him still but I don’t fancy him anymore and one of the main issues is that because of this, I no longer want sex and I am aware that my rejection of him in that way hurts, but I don’t wish either to force myself to ‘perform’ just to save someone’s feelings, although I have found myself doing this on countless occasions.

we have a son aged 14 who is incredibly well rounded and doing well at school.

DS goes away in February for the week. I was planning to use that week to tell my DH that i wish to separate so that DS won’t be living in a terrible environment during that initial conversation.

My problem is, I suffer from terrible anxiety- I go to Talking Therapy and take propranolol 40 mg 3 times a day. The sheer thought of what I will say is leaving me petrified, I’m worried that he’ll talk me round again and I’ll be too weak to stick to my guns. I don’t want to hurt him and so I don’t know what to say. We have a bit of a unique financial set up which I am willing to divulge should it make giving me advice any easier?

what do I say? How do I hurt someone who I have spent more than half my life with? Am I too old now to just be setting up on my own?

I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and the feeling of dread in my body is just horrendous.

The first step is accepting this is going to be hugely hurtful, and there is no way or avoiding or minimising that. It's just a fact. You need to acknowledge that or you won't be able to go through with it as you'll feel you're doing it "wrong", when actually it's just how it is.

I was in this exact same situation a year and a half ago and in the end I texted him as I was leaving on the plane for a week's holiday.

I had done the very hard talking thing the previous year and because I'm very soft and useless at confrontation I had taken him back because he was so upset.

It was absolutely pointless we tried for a year and there just sometimes is a place where there is no going back and we were at it.

Honestly it seemed to work - he moved out of the house that week and when I came back we told the children who had been on holiday with me. Tried to keep it as low-key and low conflict as possible just so the children could see that sometimes relationships didn't work and life went on.

I've never regretted it not for one moment I'm so happy now I can't tell you I feel like I'm living again rather than just existing.

As for being too old to start again I'm 12 years older than you and I don't feel like I'm too old. Honestly Life is Wonderful I feel so free.

I feel so terrible but I am deeply deeply unhappy. I just don’t think I can go through the motions of living my life like this for much longer but he is happy. I’d be breaking his heart to fix mine and I’m struggling to live with myself for hurting someone so badly who hasn’t ever done the same to me. I can barely look him in the face. February seems so far away but then so close too.

You are never too old to live your life. Imagine that you will live to 84 - that’s another 42 years, you have half your life to live yet and once you have told him you get to start planning how that will be.

Most people with anxiety cope by avoiding the thing that makes them anxious. The anxiety is building up in you because you know you can’t do that anymore. Once you’ve said the words you will feel so much better. It will be a relief.

Hang in there, better things are around the corner waiting for you.

Yeah I am absolutely with you that's exactly where I was. It is really really really really really hard you have my utmost sympathies.

As I said I'm mid 50s and I just thought I could have another 30 years of this and I just couldn't bear it. Life is very short and so you've got to grab it by the horns and do what makes you the happiest - unfortunately for your husband it's not him.

I’ve been thinking of putting it in a text message while he’s at work and then waiting til he comes home to speak? I want to do it respectfully but either I feel myself losing my temper and want to just ‘snap’ or I chicken out and then get mad with myself. I was thinking of…

’DH, I am so sorry to do this on a message but I have tried to get my words out so many times and I can’t do it for fear of breaking your heart. Which I know i will be doing right now. I want to separate, I love you I really do but I’m just not in love anymore. I know you probably won’t believe me but there is no one else. I have been making myself ill for years now, knowing that something isn’t right but not really wanting to admit to what it is and the wanting to hurt myself like in the way I did two years ago is more strong than ever. I’m just not happy and it’s not fair to you to push you away and see it hurt you every time. I’m absolutely devastated and I know what this message will do to you but it’s what I want. When you’re ready to talk I will be there, let me know’.

Also, I feel I need to explain the situation with regards to finances and see if anyone can help.

I earn about half what my husband does - I come out with around £1900 per month. Him double.

We own our home outright. In 2022 my parents gave us £40,000 to clear our mortgage. Prior to this, he paid the mortgage and I paid the bills. He no longer pays for the mortgage but I still pay the bills. I have approx £1500 of debt. He has no debt.

I know that he will not leave the house and I know I cannot make him, I do not wish to let him struggle and I would happily allow him to keep the house providing he gave me the £40k my parents gave us back. The house is worth about 130-150k.

I have no savings. He has around 30k. None of these savings are in my name.

when I leave, what are my options? I will need to rent. Having had a look at rightmove I can see that a two bedroom home that is okay is about 700 a month - would I be able to expect any benefits to help with that until I find my feet (not forgetting strictly speaking I own a home - albeit not living in it).

Please don’t text him. He deserves more than that.
look I will get absolutely flamed for this - but I personally feel people don’t WORK at marriages anymore. I know your happiness is paramount - but you have a good, kind and generous man who you love. You need to think very carefully about this because they are hens teeth rare. You presumably used to fancy him at one point, so what changed!?
being ‘in love’ and loving someone. Both very valuable and precious things and by no means is one better than the other.
good luck with whatever you decide - I’ve put forth my opinion and know it may not be a popular one but I know you are the only person who can decide what you really want.

You’ll not get flamed by me! That’s exactly what I have been trying to do for so long - work at it. I have ignored this feeling for many years, I have had conversations, I’ve been subservient, I’ve tried to be the one in charge, I have shouted and cried and ignored actions and the more I do the sadder and more unhappy I get. The older he has become the more ‘stuck in his ways’ he gets, he’s become very much a critic and not a cheerleader. As I have tried to become more ‘outspoken’ about my needs and interests he calls them my ‘menopause’ interests or part of what he deems my ‘midlife crisis’ despite there being no evidence of either. With regards to not finding him attractive anymore it is down to his ‘way’ - the more I’ve pushed him away with regards to not wanting sex (I have never done it in a cruel way) he has started to become more vulgar. For example, he worked away last night and so on Tuesday he wanted sex. There was no romance or loving touch he simply stated ‘are you gonna get your knickers off or what’ said in a jovial manner as though that would ever work. Then when I said how that made me feel he flopped on his side and said ‘I may as well not be here’. He’s been doing that for perhaps 3 years and it’s got to the point where I simply don’t fancy him anymore.

In 2023, the week prior to me trying to leave, I had a sort of breakdown, I was desperate to just feel heard. I lost 7.5 stone that year in about 6 months through sheer depression. I barely ate for months. It was only after I tried to leave that it dawned on him that I was struggling. I’m back to that same place now and whilst, yes, he has noticed my dip in mood he attributes it, again, to peri-menopause. The peri-menopause test, that he paid for me to have done privately, in September, showed my hormone levels were absolutely fine.

I absolutely agree that many many times people throw marriages away that are not necessarily bad. But I can work at it so much before I’ve got nothing left of me to work with.

Finances will probably be split 50/50 unless one of you has more child care time each week. Then 60/40 , I'm guessing, depending on who has more childcare responsibilities

Before you talk to your husband you need to speak to a solicitor

I think you have allowed your fear to stop you understanding what's going on. You need to leave your husband for your son AND for your mental health. You've GOT to leave him. Your love for your son must tell you this

You are in a more difficult position when telling your husband THIS time because his expectation will be that you will capitulate and go back to the marriage. That will be what he will expect to happen

You mustn't do that ....and somehow you have to work out HOW

You can speak to your solicitor about the HOW. They've seen it all before and will have advice

But , for your son, you have to end the marriage

Your husband will be upset and he will ensure that he uses the upset, as last time, to drag you back into the marriage

That’s exactly what happened last time. He got so upset saying ‘he’d lost his family’ that I never got the chance to sit our son down to explain to him properly. He just saw his dad heartbroken and couldn’t understand.

I don’t know what to say to him. I know it will hurt him and of course he has it in him to ‘punish’ me in some way. I think after the initial ‘this is it’ conversation or message, whichever, I will be able to stand strong. It’s the initial conversation.

I think you just have to keep saying "the marriage is over, I've seen a solicitor". I'd suggest ensuring that your son stays with relatives or friends for the weekend, so that your husbands histrionics don't affect your son.

Your husband can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. His drama is designed to control you. You don't have to allow him to control you

@couldthisbe2501I have complete respect for you - you clearly have tried incredibly hard and I can absolutely understand your decision to walk away. One thing I would say is please take time to get a full understanding of your finances and be prepared. Even the loveliest man can turn into a twat at the thought of losing out financially. I would consult a solicitor. Do you have a good support network?
I would just say be absolutely clear in your mind what you want to say (tbh I’d make note cards if necessary!) and don’t deviate from it. I would personally be uncomfortable with texting but it isn’t my marriage - it’s yours.
I’m sorry you are going through this.

Oh op, you need a plan, can I ask, why would you move out, surely you and son should stay in the home,
Can you pay him off and stay,
Get advice op

Of course the conversation you have will be upsetting op but it needs saying , keep it short and to the point, our marriage is over, am not happy and haven't been for ++ years, we need to make a plan moving forwards, tell you're been and got advice, yes of course he'll be upset, but he knows your not happy op,and really if he's honest he's not happy, but OK to plod along because sometimes its easier

Listen to your gut and head op, you don't need a flat mate, because that's what you are flat mates, stay strong , think of your happiness,

Don't write to him or tell him on the phone OP. You don't need to leave it as far away as February either, after Christmas would be easier but definitely face to face even though it's hard. Keep it short and to the point and don't be swayed by his histrionics. Meanwhile do consult a solicitor to find out where you stand, it will prepare you for the conversation. When you do speak to him could your son spend time with grandparents or other family so he doesn't have to hear the talk?
You have tried and it hasn't worked so now you must prioritise yourself and your son. You sound desperately unhappy so try to be as calm and resolute a possible. For now l'd be telling him sex is off the table and would be moving into a spare room or sleeping on the sofa. You have a right to be happy so make sure you don't let him control the narrative and guilt trip you into staying.

I am 35 and 3 years ago, I left my husband after 17 years together. We had been together since I was 15. Our DS was 14 at the time.

He was devastated and I’ll be honest, watching a mans world completely fall apart knowing you are responsible (to a degree) was incredibly hard. However, I had left it so long to leave that I was beginning to hate him. Resentment had grown to a point where I felt numb and it was what helped me carry through my decision.

Life changed dramatically for me. I have never felt more alive than I do now. It truly was the best decision I could ever have made for myself.

ExH got remarried last weekend, so they often move on and find happiness too, don’t worry. ☺️

Don’t delay leaving any more than you have, OP. As someone else said, expect that great hurt and grief will be part of the story, but it’s necessary. Life is fleeting, you need to put yourself first here, everything will be ok.

I have asked my mum to collect our son from school today. I finish work at 2.30 and will be going home to speak to him. I know it needs to be done but I am just sat here truly devastated that it’s come to this and I have NO IDEA what I am going to say. I’m frightened and sad. And then I have to have a conversation with our son and good god I am dreading that.

OP, your feelings matter just as much as his and you can't sacrifice your entire well being to keep him happy. He shouldn't want that for you either. If being with him makes you so depressed that it's eating away at your physical health then he would be selfish to try and talk you out of leaving, just so that he doesn't have to deal with his own heartbreak.

I must say that I was not impressed with him dismissing your feelings and chalking it up to Peri-menopause. Does he do stuff like that more often? Because if so, it's no wonder you are so desperately unhappy. Being roommates and just getting along wouldn't make you this unhappy, at worst it would make you feel bored, but not depressed.

Are you sure that there is not more to your relationship that is causing you to feel this way?

In either case, try to leave as soon as possible. It's also setting a good example for your son to show him that he doesn't have to stay in an unhappy relationship either and that someone's happiness should not come at the expense of the partner.

Op of this will be hard, but you need to stick to the point, and try to keep it short, explain your moving into other bedroom as well, decide when's best to tell son, you both may do this together over weekend??,

You will feel relieved op afterwards, no more pretending,

I think the fact that he's financially abusive should make it a bit easier @couldthisbe2501 . Having said that, I left a horribly abusive man and just couldn't get the words out. Wishing you all the best and hope it goes as well as it can 💐

Just to add, if you're married, then any savings are joint assets and debts are joint debts, so he should not benefit in the divorce from his financial abuse if you.

I think if it were me l would sit him down and tell him that you want him to listen and not try to change your mind as you will not be doing that under any circumstances.
Keep things short and don't get drawn into a big discussion, say you wish to separate as feel you are incompatible and it's making you desperately unhappy. For now tell him you will be living separate lives at home until you part ways.
Don't let him guilt trip you and end the talk there as you know from past experience he will promise you everything to try to make you stay with him. Good luck OP and stay strong.

Please try to get things in perspective: you don't want to be with your husband anymore, you've done nothing wrong. Ask yourself why his happiness is more important than yours. It will be difficult to tell him but it has to be done.

However, don't tell him before getting some legal advice. Your finances aren't unique: they are very, very unfair. Quite frankly he's been taking the piss. Don't let your unwarranted feelings of guilt cloud your judgement or allow you to be stiffed in the divorce settlement. You'll thank yourself later, I guarantee it.

Seems like you can't actually afford to split right now. You need to sort the finances first - tell him he has to pay half the bills and that you want him to repay you for the extra you have paid since the mortgage was paid off. He is not being a kind, caring husband to you by letting you pay for everything.

You don't seem to be considering your son in this. When you split you need to take half the equity in the house to be able to get a new place nice enough for your son to stay. Otherwise you will hardly see him. Or you stay in the home and fight for it in the divorce.