Hi, in October 2023 I tried to leave my husband. It lasted 24 hours but his sheer upset I couldn’t cope with and I went back. I don’t want to be here.
My husband is a good man, he is generous and mostly kind. I am 42 and he is 48. I have been married since I was 21. On the whole it has been a peaceful marriage and although we go on many holidays and have ‘nice’ things it feels, and has done for a long time, as though we are just roommates who go to work and then come home and sit on the settee watching the latest series.
I have fallen out of love with him. I have lots of love for him still but I don’t fancy him anymore and one of the main issues is that because of this, I no longer want sex and I am aware that my rejection of him in that way hurts, but I don’t wish either to force myself to ‘perform’ just to save someone’s feelings, although I have found myself doing this on countless occasions.
we have a son aged 14 who is incredibly well rounded and doing well at school.
DS goes away in February for the week. I was planning to use that week to tell my DH that i wish to separate so that DS won’t be living in a terrible environment during that initial conversation.
My problem is, I suffer from terrible anxiety- I go to Talking Therapy and take propranolol 40 mg 3 times a day. The sheer thought of what I will say is leaving me petrified, I’m worried that he’ll talk me round again and I’ll be too weak to stick to my guns. I don’t want to hurt him and so I don’t know what to say. We have a bit of a unique financial set up which I am willing to divulge should it make giving me advice any easier?
what do I say? How do I hurt someone who I have spent more than half my life with? Am I too old now to just be setting up on my own?
I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and the feeling of dread in my body is just horrendous.