Friendship issues eating me up

[Thegirlisnotright]

I live in a small place, kids all go to the same school etc. Not long after I moved here, another family did and we became friendly with them. Our daughters are great friends. We’ve been on holiday together. The other mum is very sociable, and now has a huge circle of friends. There is no one I’m friends with in this small place that isn’t also friends with her. She now has a tight friendship group that doesn’t include me. I think in the case of a couple of them they actively dislike me. Their husbands all play golf and drink together and that excludes my husband from their groups too. My friend is happy to spend time with me, but it now tends to be 1:1 only because I’m not included in that other friendship group. New people have moved into the village and been included.
the issue is that the thoughts of how rubbish I am and how unlikeable I am consume me. I wish I was more popular but I’m not. I sometimes don’t sleep because I’m thinking about it. How do I come to terms with it? I know I can’t control what other people do, and I can’t make people like me. I know there’s no rule that says people should invite me to things. I love my friend and I wouldn’t want to cut ties with her, plus it’s a small place etc as detailed above. Help?!

Can't up just ask her what is going on? Then you'd know at least

Tbh if she is allowing others to exclude you and your husband, she's not a real friend. She could be advocating for you with that friendship group Or maybe she's not as critical to it as you think, and she's quite happy to throw you to the wolves to maintain her own position, which again indicates she's not a great friend

I don’t think I’ve ever had friendship issues. I don’t necessarily have huge numbers of friends though. I’ve moved around a lot so that has made it trickier sometimes.
yes I work.

Yes of course. It’s just a small place and everyone seems to know each other. It’s not that I don’t have friends, I need to know how to not be bothered about this one friend because it bothers me more than it should.

The fact that we were close and in the past I would have got invited to things alongside some of these other friends. Now it’s changed and she chooses to spend time with her group that no longer includes me. She is naturally outgoing and sociable and I just feel so useless and boring.

This is just village life I think (also live in a village) when I first moved here 8 years ago everybody wanted to be my friend because we was new,that fizzled over the year.
I think just enjoy your friends company and non of the others matter, there is one woman in my village that has made it known she dont like me,I smile at her in passing and carry on with my life.

I feel the same sometimes, as in, useless and boring compared to sociable types who appear to have millions of friends. So I know where you're coming from OP. However, I do think that these Queen Bee types attract friends because of what they can offer. For example, a wider social network and a feeling of belonging. However, it doesn't mean they're a better person or more likeable than you, they're just different. I know it's hard being left out (especially if you were previously included) but you can't control others' actions, so just enjoy your friendship with her and focus on your other friends. Easy to say I know 😏

Op can you join any hobbies. I find some groups cliquey. Im better with one to one meetup. Theres always a queen bee in them. How many in group?

Stay friends with her and keep meeting up with her but perhaps pluck up the courage to ask her why you are not invited to the big gatherings. You need to be feeling brave to ask but at least you'd know!

Can you fake it til you make it. Right now you are probably giving out pleas like me / please invite me vibes.
What you can do is fill your time with interests hobbies, be busy and cheerful if you bump into them - do classes,choir , running, volunteer anything -you have a happy and busy life. Then you’re giving out good vibes and might make some new friends or be included in the cliquey clique where you will prob not feel comfortable.

@JC19827

I don't know if it's intended, but you are undermining and minimizing OPs entire, very valid experience. You have dropped in suggestions that she is the problem and can't make friends. You have dropped in the suggestion that she is over reacting and is this because she spends all day at home not working.

Whether intentional or not - you are doing this.

OP - trust your instincts. Your instincts are telling you something is off here with the ' friend '. I believe very much you are right. There can be lots of reasons that people orchestrate a situation like that you are in in this relationship with her. You won't always know. It can include envy, seeing you as a threat, thinking you're beneath them socially, they don't see you as their ' tribe' in terms of your values, behavior, even your choice of clothes.

You can't ' win' it seems in this situation. But you can when you see it for what it is and you go do the best thing for you.

I suggest that you do what you can to carve out interactions with adults that have zero connection or link to this woman. Is this possible?

I suggest you do not talk at all about this situation and her and your very valid feelings btw to anyone other than a confidential private space. You could write in a diary and then rip it up for privacy reasons. She sounds like an absolute bitch to me who hides behind a mask. I would be writing that personally in my diary! It's ok to express your feelings. I now believe feelings tell our truth more than we ever realise.

I believe your instincts know this and you are trying to make sense of this dissonance between outward appearance and what your instincts know and experience with her.

Popular people with lots of friends are often the least genuine and authentic and must not be trusted in my experience.

Can you do anything at all here to move your social life, behavior and therefore thoughts away from this woman and her far reaching influence?

I implore anyone struggling with the reality of these dynamics to get far away from SMedia. Any groups you are on for example, come away until you're in a better space. If she's on FB and you're absorbing her false brags etc, come away.

Do you think you're able to do that as a start?

Coming away from this SM shite has saved me emotionally many times. ❤️ I'm very different to the popular crowd and have things / circumstances in my life that people won't align with and would look down on me for. So I do understand this. I however know deep down that I'm pretty fantastic. I just can't align with these zombie like people.

It is not you......

Its probably a case of trying not to compare your social life with hers.
If you have other friends, and workmates then chances are you have a better social life than many, myself included.
Do you go out to fun things with your DH ? See shows, comedy events, concerts?

Thanks for the replies. I think I am quite glad that some of these messages have been deleted and I didn’t see them. Thanks for saying something.

I think the real ‘queen bee’ is not my friend, but her friend who doesn’t like me. It is hard to find friendships around here with people who have no connection with my friend, but I agree it’s a good idea. I do need to make more of an effort to go out with DH too!
every so often it just all gets to me, but I know it’s related to very long standing insecurity on my part too.

I live in a small village. I was leper like almost it felt at one point. I have difficulty with my child, I'm also different in terms of having things about me / circumstances you could look down on.

The only sanity has been in trying hard to trust my instincts. To accept being a bit different and looking elsewhere socially, even if it's on my own - which I absolutely love now. I felt horrendous around one group of women in particular during primary school years. One recently went out her way to belittle me. Not one thing have I ever said or done to this woman. She just happens to be a queen bee. I prefer to see her for the true person she is at present - fur coat, no knickers type frankly.

I sense you have a temperament where people could take advantage of you and convince you to believe there's something wrong with you. That is exactly the shit a poster on here was trying with you - I'm surprised they were deleted but good on MN for seeing what that poster was very delicately trying to do.

I am very vulnerable to that treatment also. I have been and am in long term counseling to recognize it, see how I fall into patterns of being around gaslighting arseholes, trust my instincts, be my true weird, fun loving self and embrace that.

Maybe get away from SM for a trial. It is liberation beyond words. You could try it a week or two and contact people directly, not on groups, just one on one messages.

Hi OP, with kindness , it sounds like you may have issues with self- esteem/ self-worth - you are worth more than wanted to be welcome / included when you have been excluded- that sounds v hurtful and I understand but remember your worth and make connections with others who do value you

. I think in the case of a couple of them they actively dislike me.

Why? What makes you think that?

Your reaction is ok, it is proportionate. It is not an overreaction. It is an excellent signal to you to change something.

Your mind is simply now processing your inner reaction and feelings.

You have a smiling wonderful popular bestie in front of you - but there's a huge mismatch with this image because there's a new tight group bestie engages in and possibly influences directly - and you have been excluded from it. If you feel some actively dislike you - I believe it. I believe you. It might not be as significant as active dislike, but there's a sense of rejection or something about you that you feel they don't value. I believe you. You are right.

So your reaction is proportionate. It is good you are reacting because it's how you grow through this crap and beyond people like this.

She is not your bestie OP. It doesn't mean she's going to sabotage your life, but there is a vulnerability in you or about you that people might exploit. This situation and your reaction to it is a call to you to explore that. ( Been there done it, still doing it in my own life ffs 😆)

It is ok for people to have separate social groups but something about this dynamic feels off to me. It's like this lady and her group are not really your tribe.

Think about any hobby, activity, interest that you might really enjoy that would involve new, different people. Nothing related to being a mum. Nothing infiltrated by the other mums if possible. Build your sense of feeling socially worthy ( this dynamic and situation is incredibly rejecting to you and understandably so). If you cultivate things that have nothing to do with the other women, don't even tell this bestie of yours. Something about this dynamic feels to me like she could be someone who sabotages. I would absolutely not share too much with her, keep your vulnerability to yourself and don't let her see it. Re group and find your social confidence through anything not connected to her. You will gradually feel so much better.

i totally agree with everything @Namechangetime99 has said. I have also experienced something very similar where I live - it’s awful. It has taken me a very long time to realise it’s them not me.

It can take an entire life to see and realise these things.

The more I become my real self, the more different I am from the cliques so the greater the rejection. But eventually you start to choose to reject them because you see the falseness of it all. I am very uneasy about how fake people can be. Pretending so excellently to like you when actively sabotage you. It's unsettling.

I recently confronted a queen bee mean girl mum who not only had been incredibly cruel and passive aggressive at my most vulnerable ( I ignored it and denied it to myself for years). She recently actively engaged my attention when I was out doing my own thing. I was at my very weakest, outwardly obviously physically weak and overwhelmed with stress at the time. This woman who is an excellent performer went out her way to belittle me.

She is wealthy, popular, has popular children. I don't have these outward material things, no threat. Yet, she actively did this. The best response is genuine indifference. I'm not there unfortunately at the moment.

Having the courage to challenge this and highlight the cruelty of her behavior was instead important to me and is what I did. It's progress in a way as it's a stand, diplomatically, against mean girl bullying. It was a warning to her to just go away and leave me alone as I am incredibly vulnerable with various challenges and have no people close by.

Sometimes bully types must know not to mess with you. But there are consequences. I'm sure none of the other clique mums would ever even say hi to me after this. But, being true to myself is now more important than ever. I feel free that I can do this as have nothing to lose now.

It is not easy this road. But it is intrinsically much more rewarding.

Isn’t this just what happens in villages? Emmerdale is quite a accurate

She now has a tight friendship group that doesn’t include me. I think in the case of a couple of them they actively dislike me

Why would your issue be with this friend when clearly it’s others that appear to “actively dislike” you?