How fast is too fast in a new relationship mid-30s?

[BackAgain1]

Met someone I really could see a future with after many years of basically being single/ not finding someone I could see long-term with. We are both mid 30s, and we both have had multiple long-term relationships. Both well set-up: good jobs, each own property and a car etc.

I think we are both in a place that if we are sure about each other we will move quite fast, as we know what we want, have learnt a lot from previous relationships, and know how to communicate well due to all of that learning.

I can envisage us moving quite fast, but I wonder how fast is too fast when we are this age. I feel so much clearer about who and what I want after my past - which is why I’ve taken so many years since being single to be willing to commit to someone new, I really wanted to be sure - and I think he is the same. So the question is how fast is too fast? I mean in all things: how much time we spend together, moving in together (I think I’d probably have to move in with him and rent out my place), considering kids (I’ll be 36 next year, we both want kids). I’m not trying to move anything fast right now, just interested in thoughts!

I don’t think there is any set timeframe, but be mindful that for the first couple of years you are only seeing what they want you to see. I’ve made this mistake twice! I’ve had 20 years with current DH, but if I hadn’t for pregnant so quickly, I’d have outgrown the relationship a lot sooner.

We had known each other for over a year at work so different but DH and I dated, married and were expecting a baby within 18 months, together close to 30 years.

This is what I’m afraid of, I know the honeymoon period well (I’ve had two around 5 year relationships), but I feel at this age I need to/ will end up kinda make the big decisions within that honeymoon period. But then I think I maybe just need to talk to him about all of that and we really get everything out in the open?

At what stage are you currently? What do you think your next stage would be or should be?
Ask your partner about hypothetical timeline just to see your options in principle.

So far it feels that you are running ahead of the train and are doing some overthinking when the offer is not there. He also needs to be on the same page with you and feels that it might be long term.

It could work very well though. I got married and was pregnant within a year of meeting my husband on the dating site; seven years later and two children together I am very happy with the fast track and very lucky to have DH.

We’ve only been dating for six weeks. He also sees it as long-term. There’s no love bombing or future faking or anything, we just feel very secure and comfortable with each other. Right now just getting to know each other, meeting each others’ friends and so on.

I’m not thinking about any big next step now, I’m overthinking as it is a scary prospect for me to go deep again, after my previous break-up. And I was just wondering about timelines at this age.

For some context- the last two men I dated, I dated for around 3/4 months and I refused to call them my boyfriend and one didn’t even meet my friends. I ended both of them as I didn’t see myself likely to fall in love with them. So I’m surprised with how secure and confident I feel in this situation! I know six weeks is nothing, it’s mostly just because I know myself very well in this context and I’m definitely able to see this as potentially long term, despite how early we are now. But the timeline question really is just hypothetical for now

@BackAgain1 do you think you are in love?

Six weeks is no time at all. A lovely boyfriend who I started dating in early 30s started to turn verbally abusive after 6 months but didn’t show his true colours till a year in. Don’t rush into anything is my advice!

My DH and I had our first date on December 27th. We got engaged on March 17th - 81 days later! We were married in December of the same year. We were in our mid 30s. Now married 28 years with 5 children. wykyk

@BackAgain1 and what do you think is different between the previous boyfriends (that you didn’t want to call boyfriends) and this one?

This.

Even the most cruel of cruel can seem like angels after just 6 weeks, and those people in particular typically know very well how to hide and disguise those things for much longer than that.

I think I’d go with what feels natural while having a very careful eye on any potential red flags, love bombing etc.

In your circumstances assuming all going really well, I’d move in after a year (renting out your place) and then marriage/babies after 2 years.

When dating I found they mostly revealed themselves by the 6 month mark. Or were able to hide their true selves till after commitment no matter how long that was. There’s not much you can do about a man who will wait till you have kids to become controlling/sexist or whatever. Other than not have kids at all!

I think I’m falling in love with him, but I wouldn’t say I’m at the stage yet that I feel sure to say it. I definitely see it happening with a few more months though. And I really don’t take such things lightly!

there were a whole host of reasons I didn’t see myself long-term with the others. I questioned some of their life choices/ didn’t agree with values/ predicted I’d end up in a mothering role. Ended up finding them overwhelming in the end basically.

This guy makes me feel secure, I’ve revealed myself more quickly to him than anyone else in recent times, he’s very respectful of women, responsible in his life. And he has also been through a lot in his life and worked through it and seems very emotionally aware. We communicate really transparently and deeply. Also all the fun things - we have tonnes of fun and he makes me beam with happiness. I think we also have similar personality traits and it means we empathise with each other well.

It does feel that you are in love and with this thread you are asking for the permission to dream for the future together. I hope it will work for you 😊.

Timelines don’t really matter, lots of examples where things have worked after very short times.

Don’t worry, my instinct is not to trust. But I suss men out fully 360 based on their professional relationships/friendships/family. Still sussing some of this out with this guy but really no red flags so far. He’s also in a profession with responsibility with children.

But isn't it you and him who will decide the timelines? Not sure how anyone else can offer insight on how quick or slow you should move. And in any case, there are no guarantees with relationships. You can only go on your instincts and feelings for each other and being honest about what the next steps for you both are, in terms of living together or planning for a child.

You need AT LEAST two years for 1) the scales to fall from your eyes and 2) to get to the real person (not just the one on their best behaviour).

Plenty can and will happen between the six week and two year mark. I hope it all works out (but so many women will be duped by men who seem great at first)!

This. Nobody will write you an insurance policy that if you do two years dating it would be fine. It might be or might not be, you know yourself and him better.

I think @HHHMMM is right that I’m looking for permission to dream without it seeming stupid. I mostly only know of much longer term relationships, where moving in together has been after 3 years, marriage or kids after 5, 10 or even 15 years. This feels quite alien and my friends with their much longer term relationships don’t have the experience for me to look at. When it gets to a later stage, I don’t want to slow things down unnecessarily with this guy just out of that lack of comparison.

Met DH when we were both 35. Engaged after a month. Married six months later. Together 27 years in January 🙂

As a pp said wykyk.

I met DH at 35 and he proposed four months later as he was sure very early on. I said no, I wasn't ready. We got engaged 11mo after meeting, married 11mo after that and started trying for a baby immediately.

But tbf I wanted to marry my only other serious relationship after less than a year in my early 20s. I absolutely would have done so had he proposed.

I only date people I'm serious about.

Thanks everyone. This is all helpful. I do know not to be stupid and I’ve got all the personal experience of the honeymoon period, but it does sound like I’m also not totally insane just to trust myself and him. I’ll keep focusing on honest communication with him and see where it goes. I’m trying not to close down on him in fear of more heartbreak, and I think that’s the way for me to keep going.

Met DH just before 36th birthday, moved in 7 months later. Married 2 years after meeting, DC1 just before 39th birthday, DC2 2 years later. 20 years together now

I have an unpopular opinion that if there is no engagement after two years of dating (not talking here about very young couples) there is something that stops one party from committing. Most often than not it is belief (consciously or subconsciously) that one might get or deserve a better deal.
Often backfires with resentment or marriage problems down the line.