Cannot Comprehend this Situation

[BinNightTonight]

Hi there.

My partner left me around 3 months ago, before this we had been together for around 4 years and had a baby, just under 12 months old. He walked out pretty out of the blue (actually, completely out of the blue), one morning he just left our home and didnt return. In the time he has been gone, he has seen our baby once. He missed his 1st birthday (didnt even contact me, send a card etc) and has shown absolutely no interest in our child (including during 2 hospital visits for croup) which i am absolutely devastated about. He is rarely in touch and when he is, he is cold and asks nothing of substance, other than for an "update." He knows nothing about our child anymore. I tried extremely hard for about 2 months, but I have now given up begging him to show our child any attention.

When we were together, he seemed to be an amazing father. Playful, caring and he had endless patience. They seemed to have such a close, beautiful bond, everyone commented on what a wonderful father he was, and I agreed. I do not understand how he could do this complete 180. The baby slept between us in bed every night, our entire life revolved around him (as it does) and he seemed just as happy as me. We did everything together as a family, the day before he left we went out to a family farm/restaurant and in the evening went birthday present shopping for our baby, so it was, and still is, a massive shock when he left.

It has since transpired that he is with someone new, a (young) colleague from work, he is already house hunting with her. I heavily presume there was an overlap but that doesnt really matter now. His work was hours away from where we live (he mostly worked from home, sometimes he went down for a night alone and sometimes we all went down for the week etc) and he is now living and flat hunting down there, 5 hours away from our child.

I cant comprehend it. There is a lot more to the story, he left me with a lot of debt i knew nothing about, and he has treated me absolutely terribly following the break up. He treats me with such disdain and has actually looked me in the eye and told me he hates me. I am genuinely baffled at how he could hate me, what I may have done wrong? I have hurt inside more than I can put into words, but I have always put our baby first and done every single thing for him since my ex left. I have not shouted at my ex, swore at him, called him names, threatened him etc, all things he has done to me, though he is the one who has caused this mess.

I dont know how to get over how little interest he has in our baby? I dont know how to process how involved, caring, loving he was, to this. It started when I was pregnant, he was absolutely amazing with me. When i had a long induction, he was by my side from 9am to 9pm every single day. When I gave birth, all I remember is him telling me to focus on pushing, not to make another sound, he was all i could hear and all i listened to. I am so heartbroken. He goes weeks and weeks without even contacting me to see how our baby is, doesnt ask to video call, doesnt ask for photos etc. The contact we have had, has all been instigated by me, which I have ceased doing, and I've barely heard from him. How do I accept this? It hurts so much. I thought i had found a good man to share my life with, to raise a child with, I really cannot comprehend how he cares so little?

I totally feel and hear your pain having been through a situation just like this . All I can do is share my experience where I was left with a baby and 5 year old . I went through so much pain and anger which seemed endless but therapy really helped and my best friends. also doing one thing each day nice for me like a lovely bath , nail varnish etc . I started to look at my life and want it better so studied using all the free childcare I could . Finally the pain has lessoned and I met someone who loves me and my children more than anyone could . Therapy was my saviour and helped me to rebuild ( make sure you get a good one for long term even if you only see them once a month and tell them you want to recover ) . You will survive and both be loved again I promise ( he does not deserve your love or your baby so stop contacting him as it will only cause you more pain and take you longer to recover ) . You can do this and Will and he has lost already

Don’t contact him again and seek legal advice for support. I would also tell everyone what a shit he is and don’t be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong.
You will never regret being a good mum, he however will have regrets in years to come. You never know, you might meet someone amazing in the future. I wish you all the best. Tons of best wishes 💐.

Is the debt in your name and if so how?

how has he seen you so much to be so awful yet only seen the baby once?

I wish I could hug you OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation. You sound like an amazing mum.

My dad walked away when I was three, he now has nothing to do do with us ( our choice), will never see his grandchildren. My mum on the other hand is part of our furniture she is so involved. Go figure he will have regrets. I know my dad does.

Stop contacting and focus on being mum and finding yourself again. If you are sad cry and with time you will feel stronger. It is better to let it out and then pick yourself up I believe. All the best xxx

It is just incomprehensible how someone can do this really. I know you will want answers but I’m not sure in a situation like this you will ever really understand, because it’s almost pathological to be so attentive to your child then to abandon them like this. It is because of your love and prioritising your child you can’t really understand.

All I can say based on my own experience of being left by a dad, is that he was just never cut out for family life. He had an abusive upbringing and to him, families did not represent a safe or warm place, and although he was also quite attentive at times, he always wanted to get away, before he eventually did. I think there was a lot of pain for him in trying to pretend to be ‘normal’ and he knew he didn’t feel what he was supposed to feel within a family unit, I think. He is/was kind of emotionally arrested and couldn’t properly put others first, not for long anyway. I’m so sorry for your baby but they have you, and you will survive and eventually grow through this pain.

Most of the debt is in our joint name, he wasnt paying his share of the bills, ie council tax and water. As i am still in the house, Step Change (who will be applying for an IVA on my behalf) have told me i am liable for the debt. Some of the debt (council tax) has been sent to enforcement officers and I have a CCJ in my name from the water bill. I knew nothing about both.

He hasnt seen me other than the weekend he visited the baby. He has been texting me, calling me a cunt, a snide, antagonistic little rat, telling me to fuck off etc. He has threatened court/solicitors, tried to get me to cancel CMS. It was during 1 of 3 video calls (all instigated by me) that he looked me in the eyes and told me he hates me. This has calmed down now, it seems he was only treating me this way as I was encouraging contact with his child.

I am so sorry you have been through this too, I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone. You have done amazing, I am so glad youre with someone lovely and having the life you deserve x

Thank you, we're going through CMS, i will get my first payment in January. He is already trying to get me to cancel it, but I absolutely wont. I have also spoken to a solicitor who has reassured me im doing everything right. He has no family or friends, but I have told all of my family and friends exactly what is going on. Thank you x

It is baffling. He is being vile to you because he knows deep down he has behaved appallingly and it is easier to villainise you than it is for him to accept what a shit he is.

As for your child, who knows. Maybe the new woman is putting pressure on him not to see the child because that means being in contact with you. Maybe, again, he knows he is a terrible father for walking out on you both and he is distancing himself rather than face up to it. He sounds messed up and if/when this relationship fails I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back with his tail between his legs.

I wouldn’t be begging for scraps of his attention on behalf of your child. He has abandoned you both and deserves nothing. Stop contacting him, log everything and seek legal advice so he can’t just waltz back when it suits him.

You will get through this and be stronger for it. He will have a lifetime of regrets and self hatred.

I am so sorry about your dad, but it is lovely what you say about your mum, that she is part of your furniture. I truly hope I have a similar relationship with my boy, he is just everything. Did it impact you much growing up? Is there anything more I can do when he is growing up? Thank you x

You're so right, it is incomprehensible and it is hard for normal, loving parents to understand. I think the change is the biggest shock, if he was uninterested and nonchalant when he was around i could understand his behaviour more, but it really is like two different people.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. There are a few parallels there. Although he put me first a lot of the time, i do think he is inherently selfish and he was able to do it during the big grand gestures, though not during the daily grind of life. Thank you for your insight x

You should read The Script.

Admittedly it appears he got through the stages quicker than most but it has some good content about the sudden coldness.

He needs to mentally re write your relationship to justify his behaviour.

There was certainly an overlap.

Not expecting anything from him will be easier for you and your son in the long run. He shouldn't have to fight for scraps of attention in the way you are.

I'm sure you'll do a very good job on your own. Just surviving what you've been through shows that.

Thank you. Ive stopped contacting him after the initial shock, as hard as it is, as I just want to scream at him like what the fuck is wrong with you?! But obviously i wont/cant. I have kept screenshots of everything, spoke to a solicitor etc. Its okay at the moment as the baby is so young, but I definitely wont accept inconsistent contact. He is providing absolutely nothing, seeing him once in 3 months for a minimal amount of time is just pointless really and isnt beneficial to the baby. He is very charming and manipulative, I think he has chosen this young colleague on purpose, as without her he wont pass any credit check to get a new phone, accommodation to rent, a car. He needs to be with someone. I believe thats why he chose me, then when it all got too real (baliffs were getting involved etc) hes ran. He did similar to his ex, I contacted her after the break up. Thank you x

I look at my dc and cannot imagine walking away from them, yet so many men do without a second glance or occasionally a vague Disney dad drop in. I hope you can get on top of the debt and in a stronger position. Christian’s against poverty (CAP) are really helpful too (I’m not religious but this work is very genuine and open for all). I’m glad you’re going down the cms route - he’s far too unreliable not to.

wishing you and your dc a very happy future, just get through the days and the pain will pass. You have your ds and ex has lost that. What a plank.

Thank you. I have read it previously but will give it a refresh now! He certainly has rewrote the relationship, says i was emotionally abusive and "kicked him out," both of which are of course not true! Thank you x

Please if anything DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE DONE ANYTHING WRONG! He is in the wrong, he has shown what a nasty b*** he is. Hope you find some peace and concentrate on your beautiful baby. His loss if he chooses not to have interest xxxx

Are you married? If not get some professional advice about the debt! This happened to me but it was a man who is violent so I was too scared to go the police and instead paying it off myself.

My guess at his behaviour is that he is well aware how wrong and vile he is and the only way he can cope is to just pretend it’s not happening, all to get his end away 🙄

If I were you - stop trying, not your job to facilitate a relationship. Don’t disallow but don’t go out of your way to arrange leave with him.

I can’t imagine the shock and pain you must be going through on top of having a baby. But any man that can do this to you at your most vulnerable time is absolutely not worth it. Yes it’s shit right now BUT you’re gonna do it and without him - then when baby is older you can hold your head high!

The only thing that worked for me was learning to let go. And be happy just me and my child. didnt happen overnight but the bad moods and sadness and most negative emotions came from me trying to involve him and him not caring.

once I left go it was like a weight lifted - it will happen naturally when you’re ready. I know it hurts now but he’s shown you who he is. Believe him

Also I saw you mentioned an IVA? Is there any other option? Just because once you get one of those it affects your credit for a long time so if it’s not your only option I’d try something else

Wow you sound so unbelievably traumatised. Im so so sorry.

He's acting like a complete bastard.

No wonder youre having a hard time comprehending his behaviour, its awful.

I dont think there is any getting your head round it, you just have to face it, a bit at a time whenever you can, and slowly it will get easier to accept.

You and your little boy deserved better.

But better times are ahead. He's not the man you thought he was.

Focus on you and your lb. So sorry this has happened.

There isnt really. The debt of the bills is around 9k. Over summer, we made the joint decision that I would hand my notice in (i had a stable, NHS job) and cancel our child's nursery place, so I could stay off with him for a few years (I realise now how unbelievably stupid I have been) I did both. He left the morning of my final wage from work. So i just dont have a way of paying the debt off. The debt has then increased as I couldnt afford our car with no job etc, so I handed that back for voluntary termination, which adds another 6k onto the debt. I just dont have a way of paying such an amount sadly. I've already been paying baliffs since I found out, and paid hundreds on parking tickets he had got in our car (which was in my name, so I was liable for them too) Hes left me in an absolute mess. Ive lost my job, the babies nursery place, my partner, the babies dad and any help/support that came with that, my car, any financial security, I will be losing my house too. Thankfully I will be able to live with my parents. I just cant believe im in this situation as a 30 year old, I am so sad.

Im sorry to read this happened you. It is completely not your fault.
I'm also a parent who's ex has completely abandoned his children. He stopped paying maintenance, changed his phone and address, left his job, blocked us on everything. Hasn't contacted his children or acknowledged a birthday or Xmas in years. Same man was "all about his kids" an ex colleague told me 🙄. Same man also had a new younger woman who used to post social media updates of them up and about - until he told her to stop.
Firstly, you dont have to deal with his abuse...I'd note all his abusive messages and recommend communication by email.
Let CMS deal with the maintenance.
You cannot force a relationship with your child. I suggest you set a schedule so he's not chopping and changing when he wants access. If he misses his access- and he will I imagine - thats on him, not on you. Be prepared for access not happening.
It is very hard to even imagine a parent doing this - and yet, they do. Try not to figure out why he's doing this, just accept that he is. This is the type of man he is.
Im very sorry to hear about the debt. Are you sure there is nothing to be done?
And well done for being such a great mum

Oh my goodness what an absolutely awful situation you have been left in. Shame on him!

Yes maybe you should have done things differently but when you’re committed to someone these aren’t the type of scenarios that pop into your head! Unfortunately we learn these lessons by horrible things like this happening.

Is the house bought or rented? Any chance of equity payout? Do you possibly have any insurances that cover being out of work? Sounds silly but some do it’s worth checking!

is the debt in joint names? Is he paying some off too?

You’re 30 - you can sort this and come out the other side I was around the same age when it happened to me.

Research financial support - take anything you can till your back on your feet! Does he pay maintenance? If not go through CMS but I think I read you’ve done that.

you can do this

easier said than done, but try and stop asking “why”. Stop trying to understand his motivations and why he is behaving in a horrific way. There’s no good answer. And it’s wasting your headspace. You’ll never understand why because you’d never act like that.

Redirect your thoughts to yourself and your child. What do you both need right now? What is one small step to make things easier. Who can support you?

When he comes into your head, I think you need to stop the train of thought by thinking “I’ll never understand why, because I’d never do that. Now- what is it I need. What is it baby needs.”

Repeat this each time you go down the “why” rabbit hole.

The person you remember during the marriage was a fake. The reality is how he is now. He's shown you the truth about himself, and it's extremely ugly. Honestly, I would distance yourself as much as you can, and hope he doesn't pursue further contact with his child. No good will come of it. In your shoes, I think I might look into moving abroad, or at least as far away from him as you can get.

I'm so sorry, OP. That sounds utterly devastating, and from what you've said, you've tried so hard, and certainly haven't done anything wrong.

Others have given great advice regarding your debt, child maintenance, and not facilitating him seeing your child. I'd just like to chip in that, considering how cold and abusive he's suddenly become, it might be for the best that he's removed himself from your child's life, as sad as it is.

Perhaps the good, fun-loving, doting father act was just that - an act that he could no longer bear the strain of maintaining, and what you're seeing now is the real him, selfish and nasty. I would be against him fostering any relationship with the children at this point, given his ability to just cut them off and walk away. If he's done it once, he can do it again.

I'm glad you have supportive parents you can live with, OP. It's terrible that he's thrown your life into so much chaos, but you have family and friends, and your lovely son, and you'll get back on your feet ❤

(Edited because I misread that OP had more than one child 🫣)